Tuesday, July 14, 2009

What's My Line?

*Yeah, I know...it ain't remotely Christmas time. But this archival fav is worthy of a reprise now, especially since work's tryin' to kill me at present...so enjoy this 'un from '06*

Will the "real" Mariam Abacha please stand up?

Prolly not.

Over the years of my receiving these email scams, I have heard from "Mariam Abacha" perhaps 25 times. Always a different one, I reckon. On one rather amusing occasion, I heard from two competeing "Mariam Abachas" at the same time, and had quite an email catfight going for about a week, as I sought to have "the real Mariam Abacha please authenticate". Both ultimately got mad, picked up their marbles, and went a scamming elsewhere.

So what should be new that I hear from yet another Mariam Abacha this week?

What's new is, Mariam gets to hear from Santa Claus. Well, at least my version of 'em:

To mariamabacha4040@virgilio.it:

It has come to my attention that you have sent to me, by way of Wish-'n-Elves-Hear.net, a wish for fiscal succor this upcoming Christmas season. Or at the very least, for your finding a fiscal sucker this upcoming holiday.

Well, I am many things, including grotesquely overweight and quite annoyed with the 24/365 playing of "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" in the workshop, but this is the time of year I live for, and letters like your are what I thrive upon. Along with pooploads of chocolate brownies, that is. After all, I listen to all good wishes of all good boys and girls around the globe, and do all that is in my infinitely-finite power to deliver upon those wishes to good boys and girls, non-believers and anti-air defenses aside.

But after a time, that gets a tad repetitive and boring. So getting wish letters from those who've been checked twice or thrice, and wound up on a secondary list of those with "good tendencies absent or atrophied", injects a bit of challenge into my otherwise normal routine that leads up to my annual "journey of dispensery".

The "great moment" I allude to is spending 31 hours in a climate-vulnerable open sleigh, flying in all kinds of weather with eight pissed-off reindeer, who have no qualms about pelting me with their discharges, while I defy all sorts of basic laws of science and Nature as regards time, distance, space and credibility. All the time also having to adhere to a myriad of flight restrictions and hazards, just to make all those "good" boys and girls happy, and to annoy those who bridle at the notion of differences between "good" and "bad", among other things they find offensive.

As I read your email, I recognize that yours is a "special" request, indicative of the need for "special" handling and processing. Therefore, I have put your wish before my "Special Circumstances Committee" for peculiar and expedient attention. Bear in mind that despite their expedience, none of these kind, compassionate folks EVER carry a wallet to pick. I just wanted to mention that.

Ho-ho-ho (get the pun?)!

If you have anything to add on your behalf that will aid them in their decision-making process, please feel free to advise me in a follow-up email, and I will see to it that you get prompt and expedient attention worthy of your request. Rudolph in particular has become quite adept at pin-point delivery of discharges on specific targets, and I am sensing that he has added you to his very tight little list of pin-point deliveries with his especially gnarly discharges.

In short, if you weren't full of it aforehand, you soon will be.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Incarceration!

St. S. Claus Kringle, pHd
Wishologist and Global Delivery Services, UnInc.

Whichever Mariam Abacha version this one is, she seems as awe-struck to hear from "the" Santa Claus, as her contemporaries have thus far.

Maybe she's just securing her chimney access; Rudolph might prove as accurate as he says.


Blogger Monica said...

Your scam letter posts are funny but seriously, do you want some of us to get together and fix you up some chicken noodle soup? I can NOT believe you are going to work when you have been hit by the flu bug.

03 December, 2006 06:41  
Blogger Herb said...

ROTFLM*O! You are back to your usual self, flu-bug or no.

03 December, 2006 07:29  
Anonymous tsb said...

Hey skunk, I've missed ya....see you're up to the same old tricks. I hope all is well with you!!!!

03 December, 2006 10:06  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

I think you may have solved the problem of never being welcomed to Nigeria in your own persona. Kris Kringle would probably be a lot more popular!

Get well soon.

04 December, 2006 07:39  
Blogger Karen said...

That first photo cracks me up every time.

"ho, ho, ho"?! Good one.

I hope Rudolph's aim is right on for chimney duty, I can't think of a better gift for scammers. Plop, right down the chimney. :-D

Stick it to 'em Santa!

05 December, 2006 05:54  
Anonymous cyndy said...

The other night there was a show on about Nigerian scammers...they are folk heroes in Nigeria. They have tents with people jammed up like toes in tight shoes all on the net trying to scam everyone!

05 December, 2006 20:47  
Blogger Mayden' s Voyage said...

Oh the poor girl at the top!
I loved "Happy New Year Incarceration"-
Hope you feel better soon! Hugs :)

14 July, 2009 09:17  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

After hearing from Doc Kringle himself, ol' Mariam is probably knee-deep in her religion conversion process. Give it a bit more time...

14 July, 2009 09:19  
Blogger Serena said...

Feel better soon! Mariam will make another run for the money before you know it and you want to be ready. Ho-ho-ho!:)

15 July, 2009 19:59  

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