What's My Line II

*Sometimes, they unexpectedly write back. Like this one. Enjoy the unplanned WML Part II, from Dec '06*

Santa's been rebuffed?

Shore 'nuff.

Mariam Abacha the XXIVth..or perhaps the XXVth...or whatever...didn't much care for the letter she got from Santa.

Not that she had much to say in reply; but it did cause ol' Claus to blow a loogie of 'nog out his nose and all over his 'puter when he read it:

ATTN: WHO YOU ARE

I AM NOT SO STOPID TO TAKE YOUR INSUTL YOU ARE NOT BEING FUNNY YOU THINK. STOP WASTING TIM WITH STOPID EMAIL LIKE THIS.

Rebuffed by a non-believer. Must be on the board of her local ACLU. You note (or at least I'm taking her typo as such) that she even referenced A Christmas Carol's Tiny Tim, insisting I...er...Santa "stop wasting Tim".

*Note to Head Elf: add another spell check program/box of HUA-cleaning Handi-wipes for the Nigeria run*

Despite Santa's exceptionally rigorous schedule at this time, Santa will not shirk his responsibilities in reply:

Madam Mariam Abotchedya XXV or whatever you are:

Dadgum it, woman, this reply is, I am sure, the result of you trying to wedge a size 2 petite thong on a size 40 'beyond full figured' bum. I've seed it afore at home, but I digress.

Sorry that, despite my usually efficient list compiling system, I can't say with certainty just which Mariam Abotchedya you are; I've heard from so many of you claiming to be Mariam Abotchedya. If you are not the XXV, kindly insert the proper numeric substitute, and stick it where it belongs, if there's any room left in the thong.

Madam, I am fauxhurt that you seem to denigrate my position and responsibilities this time of year. But you are no different than a segment of the population that spends this time of year in denial, or Svengali, Toogaloo, Timbucktoo or even desolate portions of New Mexico and North Dakota. While those who do know and believe see my work as encompassing one 31 hour timeframe, my job is really a 9 month preparation H, condensed.

Few are allowed to know what I am about to convey to you, Madam: this is, of course, proprietary information and highly confidential information (which I know you understand the concept of, having stressed the need for same in your initial email). I must ask that you not share what I'm about to tell you with one of my most unsavory competitors, Hugo Chavez, who runs Turds R Us.

This is Santa's calendar year to illustrate for you how unfunny I am being:

December 26-31: doing a post-Christmas supply inventory and facility clean-up/shut down

January 1-March 15: Santa's time off (and do I ever need it); elf and reindeer furlough (the elves hang out in either Munchkinland or working part-time at Keebler, if they're in hock to their eyeballs, and the reindeer...probably hang out and cross-breed with the caribou around the oil pipelines in Alaska)

March 16-31: begin planning for Christmas of that year (screw the Easter Bunny; I got loads of sh** to get done well after the Bunny's a runny Cadbury)

April 1-15: compile and submit budgets, trends and projections to the North Pole Comptroller (aka, the Missus)

April 16-30: Elf/reindeer draft; revising budgets, trends and projections after overnight deriding by comptroller (aka, the Missus)

May 1-15: Elf/reindeer mini-camp

May 16-31: Order supplies (based on amended budgets, trends and projections)

June 1-15: Elf/reindeer pre-season training

June 16-30: Production facilities start up, retooling and preparation

July 1-10: Pre-production "bye week"

July 10-31: Pre-production meeting with elves: toy trends, what's hot, what's not, and production targets

August 1: begin limited production (facility at 5 days/8 hours per status); initial meeting with Domestic Intelligence branch of US Homeland Security Department (hell, THEY'RE doin' so much listenin' and peekin' these days, why not let THEM do the work on who's been naughty or nice!).

September 1: Expand production based on aforementioned meeting (16 hours/7 days per week)

October 1: Reindeer pre-flight training (refreshers/updates)

October 31: Production to full status (24/7)

November 30: completion of reindeer flight certification (first through third teams)

December 1-20: Gift wrapping

File flight plans (in at least 180 languages, only one of which I'm fluent in; I can start a fight in a bar in Tijuana with my second language)
Final update with DHS on naughty/nice list
Global Meteorological updates
Detail sleigh

December 23: final prep (all phases)

December 24: shut down production by 0100 CUT*
final packing of sleigh (along with spares)
programming of travel coordinates in Rudolph's GPS

December 24: final 'nog toast with staff; launch by no later than 0400 CUT*

December 25: completion of gift delivery by 1100 CUT*

December 26-31: begin repeat of cycle

So you see, Ms "Undersized Thong In A Nasty Wedgie", I bust my ass for 9 and 1/2 months a year, to do what it is that I do. So tell me what is "Tim wasting" with this, hmmm? What do you find "funny" about this, hmmm?

There's still time for an apology and gift upgrade, though you're gonna get the spell check program regardless, you grammatically-challenged trollope; it's obvious you need it.

Regards,

St. S. Claus Kringle, pHd

As you might have guessed, Mariam Abacha XXVth (or whatever) did not follow up; perhaps she decided she needs the spell check program and Handi-wipes, after all.

* Coordinated Universal Time