A Whale of a Six Pack

Ain't she just a whale of a sweetie?

*ducking boos and throwd anchovy*

I've been told that some of these email-by-email recaps of scambaits get overly long. True enough. And besides, this one really isn't all that funny. It's sad, really. You'll see for yourself how much so, shortly.

Sweet Lyudmila (in photo, with the hands) is really a fish out of water (in photo, with the blow hole). She lives in Russia. She can't stand Russian men ("are drunken much time and beat up all time women with when they drunk"). She has a job -- as a dental technician -- but it pays poorly, and has no room for advancement. Lyudmila has good friends there, and her loving family. But she wants more: she wants an American man, with American values, American love and American freedom.

What she leaves unsaid is that most of all, she wants American money. Which, once she gets some, will cause her to sh**can the rest of her "want" schpiel.

Now, one of my regular readers has chided me in the past about judging these Russian wahinis, that maybe one of these is gonna be the real McCoyski, and I'm missing the opportunity of a gulag. Two Dogs, you're right about plenty, but probably not on this. And especially on this one.

Besides the fact that my ma once taught me to "never trust a blind date who poses with a whale"*, I have a little test I use. A test I tend to apply after, that is, I get one of their unsolicited letters, sent from an obscure email address, and with a name completely different than the one they introduce themselves with in the body of the email. AND the email isn't addressed specifically to me. AND I've checked a massive Russian bride scam database, and don't find either her name or photos previously posted there (yet).

I pick one of my scambait reply emails and names, and reply, as if "open to love" (which I am, but I digress). Usually within a couple of emails, the scamstress (which may be the out-of-water mammal with hands, actually in the photo; or may be the girlfriend of the actual scammer; or may be photos of whomeverski that the Russian scam syndicate is using as bait) will insert a comment that "you are only and one I have write with" (yes, many of them write just like that).

And when I read that, *TOING* Game on.

In this case, the "test" was for me to use my other five (with more coming, perhaps) email addresses and scambaiting identities, and write to the same scamstress, as if she'd written to each of those five.

And when I got five more of the same replies as my first responding character got, word for word?

*Buzzer* Admiral, we ain't got whales here...we gots scammers here.

Having failed the "test", at one point sweet Lyudmila (and not her beluga friend, or whatever kind of cetacean he/she is) is being "only and one that I have write with" with Eric Cartman (of South Park notoriety) AND five other of my characters.

But not for long; like my readers, I quickly get bored with six copies of the same bullshevik.

Now, Lyudmila (and/or her handlers) hasn't made a habit of closely reading Eric's emails, and the little quips about life in South Park, Colorado, which is by all accounts pretty animated and bizarre; I mean, "she" continues to correspond with him (and if any of you have watched South Park, you know how bizarre life is there). But somebody on Lyudmila's end didn't apparently like it when one of my other characters asked Lyudmila to "stop with the photos of her in dental assistant garb, and start sending nudity, dammit! I can't get off on what's concealed under blue dental garb unless I gets to see it all!".

No more emails for that 'un.

Another character was dumped faster than a few thousand tea party attendees by a CNN (mis)reporter, when he asked Lyudmila if she would send photographic evidence if it was true "that Russian women really do rebush their gitch with a side of ham?".

I think I actually heard the transatlantic *thud* severing that email connection.

Another character -- after playing a guy for four emails -- revealed to Lyudmila that he's now a she after the successful transplant, and told her a joke about why lesbians like to vacation in Holland: they heard that little boys put their fingers in dykes there.

Another cut-off. Even my pet rock Seymour *winced* at that one.

The fourth character lost out after getting the nickname that Eric and #5 were reveling in -- Lyudmila calls us her "love kitten" -- when the fourth asked Lyudmila why in one of her photos, "you appear to have a 5 o'clock shadow, and a bulge in your britches where only guys have that kind of distinctive bulge...wazz widdat?".

Even though no reply was received, it seemed that in the silence that followed, the temperature dropped to iceberg consistency.

Number 5 didn't really do anything terribly wrong, other than turn out to be someone Lyudmila didn't apparently expect, I think. After increasingly amorous emails, suggesting he was "heads over heels" in love with Lyudmila, he suddenly changed names and 'tudes, and revealed to her that he was, in fact, a colonel with Russian State Security (FSB) -- Colonel Yankmy Puddov -- and demanded to know why Lyudmila "was communicating with a known capitalist of Western antecedence, making Vladimir (Putin) most unhappy".

#5 is no longer alive, in Lyudmila's email address book.

Which just leaves Cartman.

At some point soon, Eric will face one of two choices. So far, while Lyudmila has sent Eric a whale of a lot of photos *ducking more boos and throwd plankton*, she hasn't asked for a photo of Eric. Perhaps she doesn't care, as the time is rapidly approaching for her to ask for "money help come to America".

Whichever comes first -- a request for money or a photo, and at this point, I'm betting it'll be money -- it is my sad duty to report to y'all that Lyudmila's sad Russian life story will continue to be so, as she's gone 0-5 in cyberspace, with a sixth loss to follow at the appropriate time.

Perhaps she can improve her batting average on Craigslist?

Not if her first contact thereon, contacts me ;-)

* okay, she didn't really teach me that; she really referred to women posing with velociraptors...or maybe it was yetis. I don' remember.