Deal or No Deal II -- Frosted Flake(s)

After Brain concludes his last reply with Please i am banking on your HONESTY -- something he's sorely lacking in -- I send back this reply:

You sure I cain't interest you in the Barney the Purple Dinosaur phone? I'd shorely love to git rid of that danged thing. Danged near shot it the last time it went off. Hate the friggin' song it sings.

You suggest I shouldn't be hard on my brother-in-law...that toothless drunken fool SOLD the machines YOU wanted to buy. You're certainly more forgiving than I'm feelin'. I wish my sister'd had better sense, and married that doctor that makes a pile of dough lookin' in peoples' bungholes. A proctobutt doctor, I think he is. Instead, she married Enis. But I digress h'yar.

Well Brain, the money I'm supposed to send back goes to the Money Gram in Sacramento, where the UPS came from, right? I'll tend to 'er.

Later that evening, this draws a quick admonition from Brain, who says in part No no no send the money to this information below through money gram (and it's a recap of the North Carolina address, to go to a Devon Crouse).

My reply that morning goes But Brain, you sent me the check via UPS from Sacramento. I was sure you wanted it to come back to you! Hey, it will come back to you! Now I'm confused again. Where ARE you? In North Carolina?

A few hours later, Brain sends this, and notes of angst are creeping into his replies: currently i am in the UK and the check will be really useless to me,My shippers are already disturbing me for their fee that is why i am begging of you if you can send the money to the shipper so they can commerce with the shipment of my other items around your area

Time to take Brain on one of my screwball digressions: Really?? You're in the UK? Wow. Throw a shrimp on Barbie for my Barney phone! You must be very worldly: you send a check from NC, your movers are in OH, you bank in CA, and you live in the UK? Is that what they mean by a global economy? Awesome, dude.

Me, I'm just a local boy. I live, work, and bank in the neighborhood. But it's obvious that you're more worldly than me, 'cuz I don't understand how all of this falls together. I'm a "learn by visual example" kind of guy. Like when I was a teen, I spent hours working with Tinkertoys before my high school prom, to figure out the mechanics of sex. I finally got the 'peg in the hole' thing figured out that way. But that is kind of a silly thing for me to bring up here.

Okay, Brain, I think I have it now, and I will wire the money to the address in OH, so your movers can get your business commerced.

Brain makes another badly-spelled try to steer me back to using Money Gram to ship to the North Carolina address: got your male,it not ohio okay???use addres i send you and i will be wating to receve the money gram information from you cos my mover have been wating to pick up the item we have in another state so i will be wate to read from you asap that you send money gram to address below (which is, yet again, the North Carolina address for a Devon Crouse).

But I'm just not having a good Comprehension Day:

What??? I thought I was supposed to send the Western Gram to the address in Ohio? Dang! I'll have to run back to the place, cancel the transfer, and resend it to where it was UPSed from in CA. Don't worry, I'll get your mover's money to 'em. Count on it!

Finally, Brain is starting to get pissed: what is all this,are you kidding me?i told you to send the rest of the fund to my mover so i can pay for the rest of the shipment nthey have for me, TALK to me asap,i will have my movers contact you

My response to him: Brain, most certainly not am I kidding you. But all these changes confuse me! So now you want me to talk to the movers? Well, if you think this will help, of course I won't. Give them my email address and new Verizon cell number (the one to the unanswered fax machine) and whatever I can do, you know I will. Meantime, I got the wire transfer returned from the Ohio address, and sent it to the California address. It's all good.

Before Brain can respond to that, I find in my SPAM folder an email from Brain's "movers", Global Express, and another Brain associate, the previously-mentioned Devon Crouse:

Hello Mr W: We are Mr Tim Duncan's shipper (WTF???) We were made to understand that you will be transferring the shipping fund to us soon,Please we would like to know the status of the funds because we have resfued to do any shipping operations for Mr. Duncan if we dont recieve the funds of $4000 soon (even the amount of money is ever changing).

Then he goes on to give me the same Money Gram information for the North Carolina address, as Brain's been giving me. And I note that "Mr. Crouse" types much like Brain does. Nah ... couldn't be the same dude ... *wink* But in case it ain't -- that it's two equally inept dudes -- I've give Devon a dose of moi:

Mr. Grouse: Mr. Brain Smith said to expect to hear from the movers. Are you them? Just what is going on? This all started with Mr. Brain buying some machines from me on Craigslist, when he sent me the wrong amount for the machines, and then simply wanted to have me send him some of the money back for the movers, and letting me keep the rest, even though he never got to take possession of the machines, 'cuz first my pit bulls Bloody and Mary became infatuated with them, and then my stupid brother-in-law Enis, the dumb galoot, he went and sold the machines to a scrap dealer. All of which I had to explain to Mr. Brain over in the rain in the UKain. Meantime, I'm supposed to send varying amounts of money to places in California, Ohio, and a place in North Carolina I can't even find on a map! And WHO is Tim Duncan? I am altogether confused here.

Anyway, I Money Unioned the funds for the movers to the CA address where the UPS package with the original check came from, thinking that's where the movers had to be. That's where we're at right now.

BTW...do YOU want to buy a Barney-the-Purple-Dinosaur telephone that sings when it rings? Brain didn't want it; do you? I mean, I started out h'yar trying to sell something on Craigslist, and I ain't gonna be satisfied until I get something sold to someone h'yar!

This exchange draws first a tart reply from Brain: why arre you turning a deaf ear to all i have been saying, i told you to send the money to my movers, you in actual fact sent the money back to my associate who sent you the money they are owing me for the purchase of the machien and for my skippers, this beginning to piss me off, Go and stop the transfer and send the money to my skipper

To whom I reply widdis: Now, don't go getting your dander up on me, Brainiac. Yes, my brother-in-law screwed the pooch by selling the machines you were supposed to buy, yet you didn't want me to be hard on that toothless reprobate. But your methods have been confusing and inconsistent, so blame yourself for where we are. And now, your skippers have brought into the matter a new person. Who is Tim Duncan? I thought I was dealing with you, Brain Smith. Anyway, I will now await you sending me a final confirmation of where I am to send the $100, since you don't want it to go to Ohio or California.

Before Brain has a chance to chew on that, I get a follow-up from Grouse at Global Express:

Yes, we are the mover Mr. Smith Brian is talking about,We have been expecting the fund you said you just wired to California,Please go and stop that wired transfer and send it to us at the information we gave you and get back to us with this details (reference number, etc). My Smith Brian and Mr. Duncan are very good friends,in actuall fact Mr Duncan introduced my Brian to us that is why we though we should include his name in the last email,We are already losing our patience with Mr Brian over this shipping fees because he is dlaying our operation and dampen our credibility,we will like you to talk to us real fast so we can commerce with the shipping operations we have with my Brian

This guy/these guys are a hoot. So:

Mr. Grouse, I thought you guys were in California. Isn't that where Mr. Duncan is? You want me to have Western Union pull back the wire transfer and send it somewhere ELSE? This is all so confusing. The reply I got from Brain didn't help me to understand this. Send me some kind of authentication of location, and I'll see what I can do.

The net result of which, I get this from a pissed-off Brain:

What is going on with you over there i told you to send money to my mover you refuse you are doing another thing.the address you send the money was wrong and you will send money to my shippers information in north caroloina and after sending the money through money gram or western union there is nothing like western gram ok money gram diffrent and western union diffrent too they will give you number if it was money gram they will give you 8 refrence number and if it was western union they will give you 10 digit number all what you have been saying that you send money to my mover you dont get back to me with all this refrence number or digit number and you will need to stop the transfer and resend it to the information below:

Devon Grouse (ROFLMAO, he copied my deliberate misspelling!!!!!) and he then repeats the North Carolina address for shipping.

So I rewrite the North Carolina address, incorporating parts of the California and Ohio ones from heretofore, and then I write him this:

Brain, if you'd bought that Barney-the-Purple-Dinosaur phone I wanted to sell you in place of the machines, I feel this wouldn't have devolved to this. So I have copied word for word the information you listed below, and I will take that to Money Union, retrieve the previous wire transfer, and send it directly to the information below. I am sending you back your last so that you can see that I am following your instructions exactly (having completely rewritten his shipping instructions, of course). I am getting pissed off with you changing your mind all the time, Brain. Are you really a woman?

Now it's late in the afternoon, 9 days after this dog 'n pony show started (for me), and it appears that Brain has had enough:

this game of yours to me is over,i will demand now that you wire the payment to my movers as i have tell to you,or i am to seek legal steps to you for this activity by you,Be smart now and make the payment if you dont want legal recussions for you.

I just love when a scammer threatens me with the law. So I -- being the helpful sort I am -- lay some of the ground work for him:

Brain, how totally silly. "Legal recussions"? Puh-lease. If you'd just been clear about things from the beginning, you'd of given me the business and we'd have moved on already. But noooo, you kept changing the names and places, amounts and conditions. You have only yourself to blame.

Now, I am many things, including flatulent; but I am also fair-minded. If you insist on taking this in a legal direction, I have another in-law who specializes in the law. Specifically, he's an Internet Commerce Law bannister, and as he tells it, he's like "flies on day-old dung" when it comes to a case like this 'un. Lemme give you his information, if you decide to go this route:

Abner Mallady Law Practice

"I'll Get It Right Eventually!"

Specializing In Internet Commerce Law Just For You

136 Gregory Street

Central City CO 80427

(303) (the unanswered fax number)

Brain, if you mention my name when you contact him, you'll not only get 10% of any case filing, you'll also get a free tort*, 50% off your next 30 minute legal consultation, AND a copy of his new book, A Legal Mallardjustment: How I Beat The AFLAC Duck In Court (Randomover & Kiltem Books). And for the first client to call and schedule an appointment, you'll receive a Barney the Purple Dinosaur Singing Phone**, absolutely FREE!

A limited number of case filings are available, so file yours NOW!

I can't use him, Brain, 'cuz he's extended family via a dubious marriage, and that's a conflict of interest. Besides, we can't stand each other, so the two of you should hit it off.

(and then I follow it with the asterisks explained)

* cream or jelly-filled; we don't do sprinkles

** Abner Mallady Law Practice is indemnified and held harmless, should the recipient and user of said phone, in an attempt to render the singing part hors de functionable, suffer injury and/or death in the process; this damned thing has proven bullet-proof, hammer-proof, low-grade explosives-proof, water-proof and fire-resistant, and we've tried them all. Don't even think of trying the H1N1 flu; it's a phone, dork. A nuclear device might work, but you'll have to check for certain restrictions in your area regarding the use of them. Void where prohibited, unless you ignore the UN like the rest of us do. Barney the Purple Dinosaur and all products relating to the faulty premise therefrom, are trademarked, and someone should have had their gonads amputated for that, but we digress.

The offer initially appeared to be just too magnanimous for Brain to wrap his three cells around, as I heard nothing back from him for a full day.

But he's baaaaaaack. And with a triple header: a babbling email, a pleading email (with a comment that I'm so all over), and finally, a threatening email. I'll save them for a short spell, but promise to do up a Deal or No Deal III, especially if he adds anythang to the growing list of LMAO here.

I might just yet get him to commit to buying that stupid phone ;-)