Bank What Needs A Bailout

Not a fiscal one; a syntax one.

I've heard from the Bank of Africa many times. And always as an extension of an email scammer. But this time, I was solicited directly by the Bank of Africa, Burkina Faso branch. They apparently decided to quit being the middlescam, and just cut out the ill-educated scammer on the front end, coming directly to the intended mugu to give him the business.

In this case, me, as Myra Manes.

This is the opening salvo that I received from the alleged Bank of Africa. While I can't emulate all the fancy logos and such they throwd on the page to give it an official appearance -- like the Nigerian ones that duped Citibank out of millions in '07 -- I am going to write this, syntax-wise, exactly as I received it:

FORIEGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT BANK OF AFRICA

Foreign Remittance Department No 17 Avenue de la rAcsidence, Ouaga, Burkina Faso.

BOA-BF Date 14-04-2009 BOA-BF

ANNT Mr. Myra

THIS MANEGMENT IS ASKING YOU FOR THE PAYMENT OF 4000 U.S. DOLERS, SO THAT YOUR FUND WILL BE TRANSFERD AND YOU HAVE TO DO FAST SO THAT BANK GOVERNOR WILL NOT ASK YOU IF YOU ARE THE REAL NEST OF KIN? YOUR URGENT RESPOND

BOA OFFICIAL DOCUMENT

If ever a bank was in need of a bailout -- syntaxually speaking -- then it's this 'un, shore 'nuff. But Myra didn't make an issue of the dubious quality of the "official document". Nawp. He just wrote back thus:

Dear Bank,

Kindly get back to me with WTF you are writing to me about? What fund? What governor? What nest of kin?

Myra

The next day, I got a reply. From the same Bank of Africa. It didn't acknowledge my questions above, whatsoever. But it was apparently written by the same banker in dire need of a syntax bailout:

NOTE/ WE ARE IN RECEPT OF YOUR MESAGE BUT WE WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE BEEN ABL TO ARANGE THE MOMEY AS YOU KNOW IS THE ONLY THING DELAY YOUR TRANSFER NOW WITH OR BANK, WE WILL ADVICE YOU TO GET BACK TO US IMEDATELY AND LET US KNOW IF YOU CAN ORANGE THE MONEY SO THAT WE CAN DO THE NEEDFUL AND COMMENCE THE TRANSFER TO YOU ACOUNT WITH DELAY, WE LOOK FORWAR TO HEAR FROM YOU AS MATTER OF URGENCE.

I decide to continue to play cornfused by the whole thing:

Bank,

You didn't answer a single one of my afore-emailed questions, and have me nonplussed by what this fund is, and what my $4,000 US dolers are supposed to do toward it. Is there someone in charge I can have explain this to me? And please, have them make it simple, not like some lawyer from the Office of the President's Teleprompter. I am simple person, keep the answer simple.

My request was met in part, by getting a letter from the Executive Governor, Alhaji Bello A. Tanko, Bank of Africa in Burkina Faso, which is definitely something akin to being in charge, I reckon. As for the simplicity of the response, well...:

THIS MESSAGE IS FROM OFICE OF THE EXEUTIVE DIRETR BANK OF AFRICA BOA. REGARDS TO YOU MAIL TO OUR BANK I PERSONALLY WNAT TO KNOW FROM YOU HOW MUCH YOU BEEN ABLE TO UP WITH, I MEAN HOW MUCH YOU HAVE AT MOMENT THEN LET ME USE MY VETO POWER TO HOW I CAN HELP YOU BECUASE YOU LATE BROTHER WAS GOOD CUSOMER WITH OUR BANK BEFORE HE DIED SO YOU ARE HERE ADVICE TO REPOND THIS MESSAGE AND LET ME KNOW MUCH YOU HAVE AT MOMENT SO I CAN KNOW WHAT DO TO HELP, AWAIT YOU URGNET REPOND AS MATTER OF URGENT.

Now THAT was helpful, wasn't it?

So I indulge the Executive Gov a tad:

My esteemed and sauteed Executive Governor, A.B.A. Tanked,

Your reply is light on the details that I sought, but I reckon you gave me the best you got to give. So...if we're gonna trade wampum here, you best get to the rat killing by telling me how I'm supposed to get to you this $4,000 US dolers. That'd be for starters, I reckon.

Myra

The Exec Gov wastes no time in getting back to me on the seminal question in my repond, which I'm astonished he understood a word of:

THIS IS CONFIM THE RECIPE OF YOU URGEN MESSAGE TO MY OFFICE AND THE CONTENT OF YOU MESSAGE WAS WELL UNDERSTOD, REGARDS TO YOU MAIL I WANT ASURE YOU THAT WE DO EVERYTHING POSIBLE TO MAKE SURE THAT YOR INHERITANT FUMD WILL BE CONFIRM IN ACCOUN WITHIN 48 HOUR AS THE BENEFICARY NEST OF KIN AS SOON AS WE RECEVE THE MONEY FROM YOU. I WANT TO LET YOU NOW THAT I TO HANLE THIS MATTER AS THE EXEUTIVE GOVERNOR OF THE BANK, SO AS YOU PROMISE TO SEND THE MONEY TODAY BEEN FRIDAY 17TH APRIL, YOU ARE ADVICE TO SEND THE MONEY THRUGH WESTERN UNION WITH BELLOW INFORMATONS:

NAME: MOHAMMED RAZAB

CITY: OUAGADOUGOU

COUNTRY: BURKINA FASO

AMOUNT: USD$4000

YOU ADVICE TRANSFER THE MONEY THROGH WESTERN UNON WITH THE INFOMATON AND FORWAR THE PAYMEN TRANSFER INFORMATON THRUGH THIS EMAIL TO ENABLE US THE NEEDFUL AND TRANSFER FUND TO ENABLE YOU CORFIRM IN YOUR ACOUNT WITH 48 HOUR AS SCHEDULE, WE LOOK FORWAR TO HERE FROM YOU TODAY WITH THE WESTERN UNION INFORMATON AS MATTER OF URGENT. MANGEMENT.

Well, as I'm sure the Executive Governor of a bank in Burkina Faso couldn't understand, where Myra purportedly lives -- Central City, CO, roughly 20 miles west of Golden, CO -- it's snowing. Really. An actual big spring storm's worth of snow. So Myra sends 'em this:

Dear Tanked,

I am cognizant of your need for speed here. But you must understand my logistical problem of the moment: snow. Tons of it. It's snowing like a cow peeing icicles on a flat rock. Now, snow doesn't really act like a cow peeing icicles on a flat rock, but crank the temperature up a few degrees, turning the snow to rain, and it can be hard enough to emulate a cow more gratefully only pissing water on a flat rock. Anyway, it's really difficult weather to get around in. Imagine you trying to walk barefoot about 20 miles in white moisture that's colder than Hillary Clinton at a Republican fundraiser. That's kinda the situation here. But I promise I go by a Western Union by no later than Monday.

The reply from the bank was as heretofore, badly written, but beheld a degree of expectancy in that we antipate you make payment for the needful to go. Whatever THAT meant.

And on Monday morning, I made the payment. Granted, not via Western Union; I made the needful expedient by paying via email. With currency. Currency attached to the email. The kind of currency wasn't important; like with liberals, it's the thought that counts.

Monday night, I found out what the bank thought about how my thought counts:

We are recep of you message but what is mening of mail you sent us or are you try payl a games on us? Anyway we have set some investgaton parnels to investogate if you are real nest of kin to diseased, so you advice not to contact bank untill our investgaton parnels are thrugh becuase from you mail we are having a kept.

I really hate to have them waste precious "investogate parnels", especially when I don't have a friggin' clue what they are. So I reply thus:

Tanked,

I can assure you, no game. I am in receipt of your message which is well understood, and I know what that word means, having attended a local community college that offered English as a second choice to gym class. I am acting in reciprocal faith and sincerity, like you. I provide you with the same payment modality that the North Koreans have found so useful. And you are, after all, a bank, right? Who knows how to manipulate money better, besides the current US Treasury? A good color copier and it's all good! So go ahead and sign off on my being nest of kin, and let's get 'er done!

With their bow quite unstrung and their quivver all aflivver, frequently this is when the game ends. But as in the movie Gladiator, "not yet...not yet":

We are recpt of you message and we are infarm to you that we have to given you infromations to police to seek to you for this. Unless good payment is to made for the needful, police will come to find you. Think this to heart.

I reckon this orta have me peein' in my knickers, 'cept that I don't wear knickers, and have a stouter sphincter than that. But eh...they think it might work. Let 'em think it did:

Dang, Tanked, you play hardball here, indeed! And you're right: you do know where I live. So I guess to avoid having the police do the needful, I'll render up the payment as you insist. Here 'tis. Do the needful widdis.

And I did: I attached some useless Iraqi dinars from the Saddam Hussein era. And it brought forth a response:

You trouble for payl to us. You see.

So here I sit, awaiting a *knock* at the door from the Burkina Faso Poo-leece, to do the needful.

Good thing I didn't buy donuts, first: they'll be petrified before I reckon the *knock* will come.

Anyway, if any one reading h'yar finds the Bank of Africa, Burkina Faso branch, on the list of banks getting a bail out from Geithner & Co, please notify Twirpy Tim to include a spellchecker in the BOA BF bailout package. In fact, make sure the spellchecker gets priority as the needful.