Deal or No Deal -- III

Trust me on this one, folks: Brain is annoyed (not unlike the feller to the right h'yar that really IS a noid). Twitterpated. Flummoxed. Platypussed. Femoral arteried.

And it shows in the first of a sudden burst of three emails, all in short order, a day after I thought I'd made him a great "life line" offer with my in-law Abner Mallady's legal soivice:

look i have fed up with you now did you receve another eaml from another person?look i want you to yake my word in any where i am a man of God that is why i trust you with everything before i sent you the check of $4500,you now receve it finish you are now telling me another phrase,you know i dont have another money with me over and i wil need to pay for my shipping for my item with them an i am owying them $4000 that is why i told my secretary to send out the whole money to you and you recevie it now you are telling me another thing,you know i dont want a situaton that you will be confused that is why i explain everythin to you i was the owner of the check and i have been treting by shipper now i dont even know what to day i am fell ashame to tell them anything since i dont have any money to pay them and have promise me that if dont pay their bill they will releese my packages for me.so pls i want you telll me waht next now

I could have cued on any number of things he drivelled therein; but I decided to key on one thing in particular in my reply:

Brain, you're a "man of God"? Really? No sh**? Well, slap me widda fish and call me herring-impaired.

I find that very interesting. Here's why: you were going to buy something from me for $700. You said you accidentally sent me a check for $4500, and now say you directed your secretary to send it that way; you directed me to send $3700 to your shipper, while owing your shipper $4000. Your shipper expected me to send them $4000 on your behalf, which would have left me shorted in our deal, except for that idiot in-law of mine's intercession.

Hmmmm. The math, chronology and facts are a bit fuzzy, Brain. Especially for a "man of God".

But a "man of God" could still buy that Barney the Purple Dinosaur Singing Phone, and achieve a level of redemption here, Brain.

Brain's next message comes before the reply I sent above; but it's a corker:

pls take my word and be act fast dont let me down i have three child and their mother died in tow years ago i was the only one taking care of them since all this while pls try send my shippers fund so that i can have my packages

While I know what he meant here -- I think -- I chose to deliberately misinterpret it ("what", you say, "I would deliberately do that???"...uh huh):

Brain, am I reading this right? Your wife died in tow? What the hell were you doing, dragging your wife when you had three child? What kind of a bowel-obstructed turkey ARE you?

As my proctologist, Dr. Seuss, once opined..."you're a bad one...Mr. Brain"...though, if you chain up and drag that Barney the Purple Dinosaur Singing Phone, perhaps the civilized world will take a kinder view of you. Debatable, but maybe.

I really am a turd.

Anyway, Brain apparently attempts to digest some part of my two replies, as he makes scant reference to one or both, and resorts to the same kind of heavy-handedness that he tried to use on the original intended victim, as I was stepping in:

i thought i have told you that before i send the payment to you?and beside i though you have take it to your bank for cash?then get back to me with my remaining money asap or do you want me to loose my money?if cant send my money to my shipper then send back my check to me asap, if you refuse to do so i will contact FBI and tell them about everything i send legit check adn you refuse to get it cash and if you want me to by anything you i will buy phone you are tilking about

NOW, the ignorant sot wants to buy the Barney phone!!!!!! And threaten me with the FBI at the same time. I think that's reasonable.

If I had tried to scam someone with a fraudulent check, and was being badgered by my intended victim to buy a phone of something that should have been extinct long before TV or radio could have allowed it a voice to sing those dorky songs, I reckon I'd cave in and accept to buy the thing on one hand, while threatening to go to the FBI on the other, too.

Makes perfectly good sense to me. And so I say to Brain, in too many words:

Brain, are you back to calling the FBI again? Isn't Efraim Zimbalist, Jr., dead? And anyway, do you REALLY think that the FBI gives a donkey dork about the machines you were going to buy and sent me too much for, that my stupid in-law Enis sold to a scrap dealer, or the Barney the Purple Dinosaur Singing Phone that I offered you in recompense several times, and you finally sorta consented to buy, so now my other in-law, Abner Mallady, will be forced to give away something ELSE to his first case-filing client?

Of course, I've been wrong before, so by all means, I'm okay with you calling the FBI. Ask them to email me at (my email addy) and I'll be happy to cooperate fully with them. I have an 'in' with a local donut shop owner, and can hook them up with fresh krellers and coffee, too.

Oh, and don't forget to give me a valid address to ship your singing phone to. I already know the ones in NC, OH and CA are bad. Wait 'til you get that phone hooked up there in the UK, and it rings for your friends...they'll all say "Krikey, what the bloody hell is that bloody f***ing thing?".

After a day of silence from Brain, the final salvo is received. And, as Brain makes clear, I will be allowed to annoy him no longer:

i have enough of you!you twist everything i say to you how to me you can do this, i am fed up.f*** you and your phone bye

Oh well. At least there's one person on Craigslist that won't become a victim; my friend and her hubby will find another way to dispense with their wares, a bit wiser for the experience ;-)