Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Taming of the Screw II: Where There's A Will...


Elena thinks she's in it.
At any rate, with Jack Ewehoff now out of the picture, it's easier for Elena to keep her emails straight with Myra Manes. By mid-January -- and ending all of her correspondence with "your wife Elena" -- she finally gets around to asking for the anticipated money necessary for her to travel to be with her soon-to-be husband, snowplow-driving Myra Manes.
And on January 22, 2009, Myra sends his affirmation that the money is being collected and prepared for Western Union-ing, as Myra excitedly anticipates his wedding night with "Sweet Cheeks" *LMAO*
But -- pun probably intended -- I decide to throw another wrinkle into the bait. On January 24, from Myra's email address, Elena receives this:
Dear Ms Elena,
My name is Ben Dover. I am a life-long friend of Myra Manes. I am using his email account to write this to you, because he would have wanted it that way.
This is a difficult email to write to you, Elena, but I know Myra would want me to do it: Myra is dead. He didn't show up for work on Friday, January 23, and we couldn't contact him, so I went by his house. I found him in his easychair, holding a picture of you, dead as a can of corned beef. It's going to be a few days before the coroner can tell us what happened.
Elena, I send you my most profound condolences. I have known Myra from childhood, and when he met you, his lifespark was burning white hot with hope, enthusiasm and anticipation. Where he was a steady, but not happy soul before, he was full of life and happiness now. You were his dreams of the future. I and my wife send our most sincere condolences for your loss.
If there is anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to contact me via this email address.
Sincerely,
Ben Dover
I'm glad to see that Elena could keep her eye on 'the screw', while feigning mourning. And so there was, indeed, something that Ben could do for Elena, as Elena would herself make plain:
You are friend of Myra? How you to come contact me to this means? You tell me Myra has dead? How this to happen please I am most to sadden to this news you send me. Yes to you please send to me how what happened Can to me you send the money I come to see Myra's tomb. I am to grief now for my Myra. Please to answer questions my put to you Ben.
After reading Elena's reply, oh how it'll be Ben's pleasure:
Ms. Elena,
I do not know as yet how Myra died. A friend of mine with the local police department informs me that there will be an autopsy within the next few days, to determine cause of death, and when the results are in, he'll let me know. When I know, I'll let you know.
Elena, I wrote to you because Myra and I are life-long friends, and Myra had told me all about you, and your plans to get married. Myra had also shared with me his email information, so that I could maintain his account when he was on vacation, or should anything happen to him. I very much regret it was the latter that I communicate with you now over. You had made him happier than me and my wife have seen him in years, and we looked as forward to meeting you, as he looked to marrying you and building a life with you. He had such plans...so many great things in store for you. This is all so sad.
Elena, as to bringing you over here to view his tomb, I should let you know that he isn't going to have a tomb, per se: Myra's oft-stated wish was that he be cremated, and his ashes be spread in the splendour of the Colorado Rockies. The last time we talked, he was firm in this desire, and as his good friend, I won't disappoint him on this.
But there are other things to be talked about here, Elena, concerning Myra and his last will and testament. First, we find out what happened. Then, to the estate issues.
Sincerely,
Ben
Elena takes a day, and then responds thus:
Ben, i am to have received from you this letter and it also very much afflicted me. Very much it was not plesant to me to hear it. I do not have words. Tell me that with it happens? What the death at it was? I wish to know all that it was. Tell to me it. Now at me tear on eyes. I wish to arrive to it, but you say my Myra no be tombed. This to me saddens me much as his wife.
I wish hear more of this from you, Ben. Please to explain what you mean this thing estate issues of what you write. What is estate issues of to me involve? Soon to tell me this?
I wait from you to hear.
With the seed planted, ol' Ben pours some fertilizer on it:
Elena,
I still don't have results of Myra's autopsy, but let me explain what I meant with the comment on "estate issues". Prior to Myra's death, he mentioned to me that he was looking at putting you into his last will and testament as a beneficiary, and asked me what I thought. Truth be told, I told him that I thought he should wait until you arrived here and the two of you were married. But Myra seemed adamant about moving ahead beforehand. I do not know if he did amend his will, but I am scheduled -- as his designated executor -- to meet with the attorney at the end of the week to review his will and see what's to be done. If he did include you in it and have it notarized, I will be legally bound to inform you of his intent and the content therefrom, in so far as legal modalities are ipso post facto ad hominum flatus interruptus (that's legalese I'll need the lawyer to explain).
I'll write to you very soon, I promise.
Ben
This got the kind of response I would reckon to get from Elena's ilk:
Hello Ben. It was pleasant to me to receive from you yours the letter. It was pleasant to me to read your letter. It was pleasant to me to hear about its dreams. But me very sadly that he has dead and me it to make very sad. I think to you and your wife my thanks to you for consoles to me it very pleasantly. I wish more to understand this will and testament to that you speak to. Is this a thing like money to me for my dead Myra he say? I wish to learn precisely what you mean to me say here on this point please.
Uh huh. Ben waits a couple days, and then wiggles the bait:
Elena,
I have news. The coroner pronounced that Myra died of a heart attack in the midst of self-induced coitus interruptus. The cause of which is still under investigation -- there are toxicology reports and other, more in-depth things to be done to determine the exactitude of the thing here -- but that is the initial report. Obviously, he was thinking of you being well in hand at the moment of his passing (*ducking boos and throwd whatevers*), died with a smile on his face. I hope this comforts you.
I have further news. Myra did make an addendum to his will in reference to you, and listed you as the beneficiary to two accounts he opened with you in mind. One a savings account, and the other a checking account, both of which he intended to present to you upon your arrival. I will have more details after my meeting with the attorney later today.
Take care,
Ben
This draws an interesting response from Elena:
Ben, I am pleasantly to read your letter to explain to me the thing. I am not to understand this what you say about how Myra die of heart attack from this thing you write of to me? This to me curious I find that please to you I ask explain to me.
Myra leave me accounts in bank? I am saddened it is to learn this for my Myra but he to me love and I am pleasantly to learn he do for me to this as his wife. Please, Ben, to me you tell me everything about this accounts so that I am to understand what this is to amount of for me. I am need for you to tell of me all this is for me.
Yawp...I rather thought she would be "am need for you to tell of me all this is for me".
So Ben waits until Saturday, January 31, to tell Elena the rest of the story:
Dear Elena,
Yes, apparently Myra did open two accounts at his bank, with the intention of placing funds therein for you, as a wedding gift. In the first account was his intention, to place $12,500 USD for your immediate use upon arrival. In the second account was his intention to place $67,500 USD, as a savings account for you.
Please, Elena, be very precise in the reading of that paragraph, and note that I used the word "intention". Twice. Because Myra never completed the transaction. The accounts were opened, but only had minimums of $5 USD each in them, to open them. So, instead of there being $80,000 USD in these two accounts for you, Elena, there is only $10 USD. And even though Myra expressed an "intention" to carry forward these transactions, he failed to have the amendment to his will notarized, and approved by his designated estate executor. Me.
So, after discussing it with my wife, we are in agreement that Myra's stated and notarized wishes should be adhered to. But, in view of how much you meant to him, Elena, and your obvious intentions regarding him, I am going to live up to Myra's intentions toward you, in so far as he completed them. So, where/how can I send you $10 USD?
Ben
I think I understood the reply. If I didn't, perhaps one of you readers can 'splain it:
Ben what is you say this to me makes to me unpleasant read to me I think it is a disappoint of me that you say about intention of completed them but this not what you do with me? I think to me you make the jest of fun and to me hurt a feelings! From to you hear I am not to more wish of this. Stop to write me more ever!
Like me, Ben isn't quite sure what just got said there, but decides to ask for "precise" clarification:
Elena,
WTF? Please, missy, get a better English translator! I understand every individual word in your reply, but not the manner, diction and/or order in which you strung them together in a most babbling, haphazard way. Precise clarification, please, which I will find most pleasant to receive from you.
Alas, nothing since. Thus, I reckon I did a poor job of imitating Richard Burton, who had more success -- in the short run -- with taming Elizabeth Taylor's 'shrew'.
I just pissed mine off ;-)

6 Comments:

Blogger Jack K. said...

I think the gist of the last comment from Elena went something like this: "Quit fu**ing with me! I not write you anymore."

And indeed she hasn't written Ben, but who knows, she just might appear in your email in-box in the future.

I can see why Myra died happy. Snerx.

17 February, 2009 09:03  
Blogger Sandee (Comedy +) said...

What a delightful read. She's moved on to someone else. Bwahahahahahaha.

I just got a great email today that I'm not supposed to tell anyone about. I'm getting lots of money soon too. Bwahahahahahah.

Have a terrific day. :)

17 February, 2009 12:33  
Blogger Little Lamb said...

Atta way Skunky!

She's disappointed with the $10. Poor thing. NOT!!!!

17 February, 2009 17:49  
Blogger Jack K. said...

Maybe she is protecting her reputation. She, obviously, does not want to be known as a $10 whoreski.

18 February, 2009 05:58  
Blogger Debbie said...

She's afflicted Skunkfeathers. You're driving her crazy, ha.

Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth

18 February, 2009 15:55  
Blogger Herb said...

Oh maann! You sir, are THE Master. *tips cowboy hat to Skunk.*

20 February, 2009 20:26  

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