Monday, January 19, 2009

PETA's "Unintended Consequences"

PETA kills me. And probably wishes they could.
A few years back, I chastised them in a letter over their first anti-fish (and usual Thanksgiving 'eat tofurkey') campaigns. A letter sent under the guise of the "Veggie Avenger" (and here in the blog, somewhere).
Apparently, PETA -- staffed by a few well-meaning sorts, and an overload of crackpots -- doesn't appreciate hearing from anyone whose pot appears to be as cracked, if not moreso, than their own.
I am putting that theory to the test yet again. This time, over their ridiculous campaign to stop people from fishing and eating fish. How? By dubbing fish "sea kittens", and targetting kids for this campaign. Yes, targetting kids. Crass, shallow crapaganda, to make kids cry and get all sad-eyed to their parents, to stop hurting "sea kittens".
Taking the kids thus affected to see the movie Jaws might snap most of them out of it, but I have another notion.
I know this campaign's been out there for a spell now, and my response to them probably wasn't anything they haven't already heard. But since old, repackaged ideas that have flopped like carp on hot asphalt (see what I just did there?), don't dissuade Democrats from dressing and redressing them up again and again, I figger I can send them yet another version to, at the least, amuse them. And at the most (I hope), piss them off. I'm sure they're still ducking and covering over their "mom's breast milk in place of cow's milk" flop...pun might have been sorta intended there (and I missed few of them in my blog response on that one).
At any rate, here's the letter I dispatched to PETA's Norfolk, VA, HQ, and addressed to their 'volunteers coordinator':
Re: Sea Kitten Campaign
I will admit, right up front, that I have not been a fan of PETA or their campaigns, though you almost won me over on the "Mom's milk instead of cow milk for ice cream" gambit.
But leave it to a five year old, to begin to sway me.
My young niece had apparently been exposed to some of your "sea kitten" campaign, when during a trip to our local store, she became almost hysterically tearful when I selected a box of Van de Camp's Frozen Fish Sticks to put in my cart. With those big brown, tear-filled eyes, she begged me not to "help hurt more sea kittens". Grudgingly -- I love fish sticks, but just couldn't say no to those sweet little tear-filled eyes -- I put them back. Now I'm my niece's hero.
It got me to thinking.
I meet with a group of guys every Thursday night. Our passions are drinking, bowling (in the fall and winter) and fishing (in the summer). At our last meeting, I spoke of your campaign...and almost got booed out of the place. But THEN, I hit them where I had been hit: with their daughters, nieces and granddaughters. I spoke of my experience with my little niece. And for a couple minutes, you could have heard a pin drop. Twenty guys, in ages ranging from their mid-30s to their 60s, pondering a momentous shift in philosophy.
At a pivotal moment in the shifting sands of opinion, one of our more bright members came up with just the campaign variation calculated to sway more red-blooded, strapping, meat-eating men to ease the fears and tears of our cherished little ones, and flock to PETA's banner.
Save the Sea Pussies.
It turned out to be counterproductive, as that night, twenty guys -- me included -- went and emptied the frozen fish section at our local market. I mean, hey...guys love eating pussies. We're just that way, right?
Somehow, that momentous shift in philosophy slid right back solidly into status quo. I think it's sometimes referred to as the "Laws of Unintended Consequences".
At any rate, nice try, PETA...but I think this one's gonna go the way of "mom's milk in place of cow's milk for ice cream". Though, I would have been tempted to volunteer for collections, but I digress.
(my real name and address)
Whaddaya think? PETA replies, or not? Part Nuthin' if they don't....Part II, iffen they do (and it's printable).


Blogger Debbie said...

I don't think they will reply, but you are on their poop list now for sure.

Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth

19 January, 2009 12:03  
Blogger jenniferw said...

WORD, my brother!

Goin' to find my man ... *chuckle*

19 January, 2009 12:12  
Blogger Little Lamb said...

good question.

19 January, 2009 14:13  
Blogger Da Pixie said...

*Snorts* It's things like this- all the save the sea animal crap- that makes me waltz out to Food Lion and buy three pounds of Salmon!

I do hope they reply. It's a riot to see them get smacked!

19 January, 2009 16:46  
Blogger Jack K. said...

Salmon sea pussy. I'm sure I have some great recipes. snerx.

I would be more concerned with their commando tactics to deface your property.

"Be afraid, my friend. Be very afraid."


19 January, 2009 18:52  
Blogger Serena said...

They probably won't, but I wish they would so Round II can start.:)

19 January, 2009 20:09  
Blogger Herb said...

Hmmm...refraining from the obvious crudities, I think PETA does a lot more harm than good because if a person genuinely cares about animal welfare (not the same thing as animal rights) they feel like they will be lumped in with these clowns.

20 January, 2009 04:57  
Blogger Jack K. said...

I am rejoicing for the enormity of the events today.

The inaugural speech was spectacular. We have chosen the right man.

20 January, 2009 13:55  
Anonymous Leeuna said...

Save the world. Eat a PETA. These folks are crazy! I love animals (both alive and fried) but I wouldn't go as far as they do. Now Hubby will have to change the sign in his office to "Gone Sea Kittening". :)

20 January, 2009 14:40  
Blogger Steve B said...

PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals.

I luvz me mah animals. Speshly with da bah-b-que sause. MMMM!

22 January, 2009 01:36  
Blogger Conservative Belle said...

Do sea kittens (or sea pussies) purr?

Loved the letter!

22 January, 2009 03:37  
Blogger Seane-Anna said...

I wrote a post about this on my blog too, but it wasn't as hilarious as this one. Great job!

28 January, 2009 11:10  

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