Illiterat Iz Gud

I (almost) hate to admit this, but I enjoy being scammed by folks with the intellect of hamster poo.

Think that's a bit harsh, eh?

Read the following instructions I received from yet another scammer who apparently got at least a part of his basic education in the inner-city skool systum of Chicago...or Denver...or DC...or a few other places akin. I was being instructed on how to apply to yet another bank, for another account transfer on yet another dead foreigner for yet another "scam the mugu" effort:

dear Mayra (he can't even spell my fake name right...moron)

beloo is the rite informaton i have in the deceesed file wich you are too send to the bank soonest:

1. state full name of deceesed: Mr. Smith B. Andreas

2. state his nationalty: Germany

3. what is your relation with decease customr: cousin

4. how old when he dead: 56

5. when exact did he die and what from of: he die November 1999 in Kenya airline that crash Abidjan

6. what is the deceese customer's profess: a busines man and well a miner at Kruger Gold Company

7. does decessed customer onw a firm in country before die: yes

8. if yes, what is name of firm and register number: HAVOLIC AGRICULTURE LIMITED REG.BF815E-KLP211

9. what kind of accounting was he with bank: current account

10. what account number was it: 0036101101

11. state clear his resident address here in Burkina Faso: SECTOR 16 KADIOGO AVENUE OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO

That seems simple enough, especially for a scammer who can't even copy the questions from the original application (which I emailed him, after receiving it) with the spelling right in front of him. It seems just as simple for me to, in my usual manure, screw it up royally, which I did when I filled out the Bank of Africa application form:

1) State full the name of deceased: Smith B. GoodnDead

2) State his nationality: Kraut, with a dash of other bits and pieces

3) What is your relationship with deceased: none, you sick bastard. I'm a heterosexual, not into necrophilia! Whazzamatta with you? Too much late night TV sex with gazelles over there?

4) How old was he when he died: as old as he was gonna get, I reckon

5) When exactly did he died and what led to his death: he died exactly the moment the plane hit the ground in Abidjan, scattering him from sh** to breakfast, with leftover snacks for scavengers

6) What was deceased customer's profession: lion artificial inseminator

7) Does the deceased customer own a firm in this country before his death: yeah, sort of

8) If yes what was the name of firm and its registered N: Poking Pride Havoc Propigators, Inc., Registration N BF815E-KYJ221

9) What kind of account was he operating with the bank: the kind wid money in it, I reckon

10) What was his account number: 00330014357-oh-dang

11) State clearly his residence address here in Burkina Faso: six feet under ground, if all his body parts were found after impact...otherwise, he's all over the general postal delivery area, with parts being carried off by dung beetles and vultures.

After sending this in, I got a day-later reply from the scammer -- Oko Mamadou -- who sez:

i read well you reply to bank questons is well understod. pleese to send soonest to bank for prcoess.

It's always a pleasure to be "well understod". And I'm glad he "read well" my answers. Being "read well" is very important in such business endeavors, don't you agree? It's obvious my scammer is every erudite at the sub-pond scum level. Which lasted until whoever is playing his 'bank', took the time to more carefully read and comprehend my response. After going over it with Oko, and finding some discrepancies -- perhaps even getting his butt reamed by his handlers -- Oko responds with a most poignant "WTF?" to ol' Mayra:

Mayran, you to me disapont why? for long time i have woked this oppotuniy but now it looks to you is to spol my effort! why am i say this? is that in the bank today the diretor complaned to me your answers is not same to deceased costomer file. i now i make no mistak on copy of answers from file that i send you. this upsat me most of you! i make to you ofer of good busenes faith of intend, and to me you do jest of me with bank? explan this to me how you fix now with bank to me?

I was most happy to "explan" it to Oko, when at the same time I "explan" it to his bank, by re-writing Oko's email to me with the answers, to match my reply, and throwing in this preamble:

Dear Bank,

It is apparent to me that Oko Mamadou is clearly out of his element here, and I don't mean the ones with big floppy ears and trunks. As you can see in the text of this email, Oko directed me to fill out this application exactly as I did, with not a single syllable differing from that I submitted.

If this isn't bad enough customer service on your bank's part, then Oko writes to me and pleads ignorance, especially after writing to me to tell me he'd read and "well understod" my application to you and urge me to send it to you soonest! Just what am I to infer about your bank's business practices and ethics, based on the sub-par performance of your employees? Answer me that, Bank of Africa. How do we proceed with good faith and confidence in your product, when your representatives make such horrendous gaffes? And I don't mean the long-necked kind that eats tree limbs, leaves and sh**.

You tell me, Bank of Africa. Just where DO we go from here?

Myra Manes

Wherever this scam MIGHT go from here, it's apparently going forward without any further input from Oko Mamadou:

Dear Manes,

On behalf of the Bank of Africa, Foreign Remittance Department, I am extended to you apologies for the conduct of our former employ, Oko Mamadou, which is no longer to be a member of the staff here. We should like to request of you that further communication not to be address or copy to Mamadou, and we shall assign a trusted member of staff to assist in this transaction for you, upon your responding with the proper informations needed to validate your access to the deceased customers accounts.

Sincerely,

Alhaji Mahmoud Rafaji

Foreign Remittance Director (BOA)

And shortly after that, I got one last (maybe) email from Oko Mamadou:

Mayra you f*k me on this you to be sory for you do this me!

Y'don' suppose I orta enter the Federal 'Made A Scammer Mad' Baiter Protection Program now, do ya?

Nah. Especially since I'm waiting to see how "BOA" and Rafaji react when I sent them the exact same answers on the application... ;-)