A Politically Correct Stock Show

It's January, 2009, and the annual National Western Stock Show is doing it's thing in Denver. A foundational part of which will be the "world's best indoor rodeo" (so I heard it billed, anyway).

At the same time, another annual event will occur: the annual PETA protest against the rodeo, and demands by the animal rights activists that the rodeo be scrapped.

Fat chance, right? Well...so far. But in the new age of political correctness (aka, the Democrats in charge), a few more tentacles of PC are working their way into the mainstream, resulting in the the NWSS Executive Committee being rumored to be considering alternatives, in a vain attempt to appease the PETA crowd. The same crowd that wants mother's milk substituted for cow's milk in ice cream.

Sounds like they be needin' somethin', alright, but I digress.

At any rate, some of the ideas for future National Western Stock Show politically correct entertainment events under consideration are (but haven't been limited to):

- Cowput: bulls will compete to see how far they can kick a 180 lbs cowboy, without getting any chewing tobacco on their hooves. Furthest, cleanest 'put', wins (possible PETA objection: "but the bulls will be exposed to second hand chew").

- Wyoming Fencing: sheep will get to help cowboys through the barbed wire fence with speed, style, and cowboy facial expressions counting toward total score. Highest score and most excruciatingly embarrassed look on a cowboy's face, wins (possible PETA objection: "but the sheep might get cut by the fence").

- 50 Meter High Hurdles: a calf is partnered with a cowboy; the cowboy runs the course, while the calf follows alongside, applying the cattle prod to 'help' his pardner over the hurdles. This event may be expanded to include relay teams (possible PETA objection: "but the calf might trip and fall with the cattle prod, and put their eye out").

- Texas Two-Slide: horses will throw their riders who must, belly-first, land in a specially-marked area of fresh, 'pre-fertilizer', sliding to a stop therein. Longest throw/slide wins (possible PETA objection: "but the horse might strain a muscle throwing the cowboy").

-Bulliards: one bull, ten cowboys in the arena. During the 30 second time limit, the bull must 'contact' each cowboy to score points. Knocking one out of the arena scores double. Knocking two or more together scores triple points. Cowboys cannot leave arena until time limit expires, or propelled (possible PETA objection: see "contact with second hand chew" aforementioned).

-Moocowrena: call it choreographed line-dancing with a twist: 12 cows, 12 cowboys, 12 cattle prods. Teams of 36 (12 of each). Best choreographed and electrifying performance (as rated by the audience, based on uniformity of moovement and cowboy facial expressions) wins (possible PETA objection: "but the cows might get shocked if a routine goes bad").

-Badmutton: a team event with three sheep, one cowboy. Cowboy must be kept aloft for a full 10 seconds (possible PETA objection: see the aforementioned "contact with second hand chew" complaint).

-100 Meter Barrel Relay: a bull will be pardnered with one cowboy; the cowboy gets into the barrel, which the bull then rolls, butts, pushes by any means as fast as possible to the halfway mark; the cowboy then gets out, and sprints back to the finish line. Bulls are allowed the option to two 'cattle prod assists' to their pardner on the second half (possible PETA objection: manner of moving the full barrel might injure the bull; and the "contact with second hand chew" complaint again).

-Farting To the Oldies: cowcestras from across the country will perform timeless classics -- Wagner's Ride of the Mookyries, Tchaikovsky's 1812 Mooveture (complete with simooolated cannon fire) and Glenn Miller's In The Moooooood -- using nothing but choreographed flatulence. Sponsoring ranchers will provide suitable quantities of carbon offsets, payable to the AlGore Scamalamadingdong Globull Warming Fund (no PETA complaint on this one just yet, depending on their analysis of the pre-concert feed).

I'm sure that our progressive friends in PETA will have many more brilliant ideas and suggestions, destined to make the National Western Stock Show an event you'll soon wonder aloud about, "WTF?".