A Comparative Approach to RoMANce

*Part II of my Valentine's Day trilogy and from the archives*

While a member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists (yeah, I actually wuz, once), I was contacted by a Michael Webb, a syndicated columnist with whom I had two things in common: membership in the above, and first name. After closely reading his email, I determined that if you add in our respective gender, that was about the extent of our commonality.

In his email, Mr. Webb asked me if I would be willing to help spread the word about his syndicated newsletter (now a website), The RoMANtic, "which gives hundreds of fun and creative tips on having loving relationships".

Being the sort I am -- for you regular readers, nothing further need be said -- I rather casually sent him a "awww, shucks...be happy to" response. Not that I was concerned that his area of expertise was vastly beyond my own; I just figured that maybe I could learn a thing or two hundred thousand here.

I shortly received a copy of his newsletter and a fact sheet, pertinent among which were:

- The RoMANtic, in publication since 1996, has "nearly 10,000 subscribers in over 20 countries" (2009 note: with the website, I reckon it's probably more), and with an estimated readership of over six million.

- "his whimsical ideas have landed in the pages of the top publications including Family Circle, Bridal Guide, Woman's Day, and even The National Enquirer".

As I read this, I pondered what I -- the antonym of romance, if you ask my ex-gal pals -- could do to help this guy get the word out, when he's already getting it out with thousands of subscriptions and to millions of readers around the world?

*TOING*...(I almost hate when *that* happens)

I decided that I could help his cause by providing readers with a comparison of sorts: using three of Webb's "fun & creative tips to enrich your relationship", and comparing them to how I might approach the same scenarios, in my "boring, over-analytical" approach to romance (or so I've been told). Or, if you will -- compare his roMANce, with my roMORONce.

Even my ex-gal pals would have to grudgingly acknowledge the practicality of this 'un.

For example, here's one of the RoMANtic tips: while your girlfriend is at work, go to her home and hang stars from her bedroom ceiling. Using star-shaped gift tags, write special little things about her on each star (qualities you admire, using coded "love language" that the two of you share). Then, using gift wrap ribbon, tie one end to each star, and attach the other end with tape to her ceiling. Hang them at various heights (4-6 feet). If she has a pet, make a special star with a message for her pet, and hang it low enough for her pet to appreciate.

Now, contrast that with my roMORONce approach: killing two stones with one bird, hand the stars using No-Pest strips. That way, you get the dual benefit of an expression of affection AND flying pest control, all in one.

Results: his example (according to reader testimonial) a very affectionate call from his sweety when she discovered the stars. My example (I surmise) would probably result in bodily injury (to me) after (or if) she could extract herself and her ensnared pet from the clutches of the rather tenacious pet strips. Though, as I might point out with that practicality of mine, it would have saved her time for the next few months of having to pluck her eyebrows, but I digress.

Another RoMANce tip: slip a note into your sweetheart's lunch box, briefcase, purse, before she leaves for work; in it, tell her just one of the many things about her you love, cherish, and adore. If she's a homebody, leave similar little notes, gifts, and endearments in places around the house that she'll find.

My roMORONce tip: slip in a note telling her how special she is, and remind her to pick up the dry cleaning, pizza and beer on the way home, so as to make the most economical use of the car. Always flatter before imposing.

Not that it works, but it sounded good at some point before execution (mine).

Final RoMANce tip: most women appreciate receiving flowers. So why not give her a whole garden of them? Whether it be window boxes, side or yard gardens, plant and nuture flowers that she enjoys. Better yet, share the pleasures of gardening with her, bringing both the flowers and your relationship to full bloom, together.

My roMORONce short-cut: women are, generally speaking, fiscally-oriented. So buy her an artificial (synthetic) flower arrangement. It's a one-time expense, they look almost real, and they're more durable than real flowers and the resulting divorce. You'll save time watering, weeding and pruning. Just pick 'em up and knock the dust off 'em every so often. You can even sell them at the eventual garage sale to pay your alimony (if you got that far).

I am sure that there are many more examples to definitively contrast Mr. Webb's roMANce with my roMORONce, but I think I got it across h'yar.

So, for those of you convinced that The RoMANtic is something you and your mate can benefit from, go to The RoMANtic web(b) site (http://www.theromantic.com/) for more information.

And for those of you convinced that my way is worthy of further analysis, you can call your local telephone information number to receive a listing for the nearest divorce attorneys to you.