Scam Shorts

*Reposted from June 2007*

Sometimes, they don't come back.

Instead of boring you with a current and ongoing saga of yet another email scammer -- I have them coming out of my ears hyar -- here's a series of four scammers who, when receiving my cordial reply, elected to seek more clement scamming grounds.

For the life of me, I can't imagine why. Maybe you can, when you read what passes for cordiality with me.

Take for example, Mrs. Linna Marshall (mrslinnamarshall102@hotmail.com), who titled her email plea to me "Thanks So Much and God Bell You". I don't even remember her scam angle; I just couldn't get over that header. Bet she does, though:

Madam Linna: "God Bell Me"? What the flying fish f*** do I look like, a cow or a cat? A f***ing railroad crossing? Do you suggest my ass is so big, I have to sit down in shifts, and need an OSHA mandated back-up alarm? Awaiting precise clarification, you nippleheaded dingbat!

Danged if that wasn't the end of communications from Madam Linna Marshall.

Next up was Barrister Ken Moore (barr_kenmoore@yahoo.it), with the usual pitch for me to be a next-of-kin stand in for another of those deceased engineers who died in a plane crash in Nigeria. Surprise, surprise. But this wasn't your ordinary made-up dead engineer: he wanted me to be a next-0f-kin fill-in for Philip Wang. I'm surprised that he didn't write back after this reply:

Dear Bannister: let me get this straight. You have contacted me for the sole purpose of having me stand in as a substitute next of kin for a dead wang? That's pretty lame, Bannister. You wish me to be a substitute for a dead wang? You realize that a dead wang is a limp wang that nobody wants, right? Unless, of course, they're into necrophilia. Ack. And you're asking me to step down to be a stand-in for a dead wang? I find this hard to get ahold of, Bannister. That you'd actually ask me, a total stranger, to become your substitute dead wang. Are you really sure I'd fit your kneads on this? I suggest, Bannister, that you look elsewhere for your fill-in wang. PS: you might think you knead me, but try it and I'll clock your pervert arse into the next country code.

Some peoples' perverted kids, I'm tellin' ya.

And there was a new one: Mr. and Mrs. Nelly Oshea (messicomplex@highdesert.com) wrote to me and asked if I would be kind-hearted and adopt their pet Yorkie puppy, as "she was not adapting well to the rigours of weather in Africa". And that they would take care of all expenses, save for some licensing fee of $350 US dollars, which they were sure I'd be happy to pay, in exchange for knowing that their "cherished Yorkie puppy" was in a happy home.

If my pet rock Seymour had been here, I'd of let him answer this one, what with his getting his share of peed on by various and sundry hounds before I liberated him from the apartment complex landscaping. But since he's still in Japan, I made short work of the 'adopt a Yorkie' scam:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Whoa Nelly: I would be most interested in adapting your Yorki. They are superb when prepared like cornish game hens, baked or broiled, and garnished with parsley and a side of hash browns. Don't you agree? When can I expect dinner?

Apparently, never from them.

And finally, I get some really interesting scam artists writing to me. Some, because of what they write; some, because of how they write. But this one scored a reply because of who he wrote as: Wada Dada.

My reply to him had nothing to do with his scam (the ATM card ploy) or anything related; I simply made elementary school playground baaaaaad skunk with his name:

You're "Wada Dada"? "Wada Dada"? Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha!*snort* Yer killing me hyar, Wada! Mwhahahahahahhahahahahahahaha....stop it, stop it!

*ah hem* "Wada Dada"?

whahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Yo' daddy musta been the Don Rickles of Scamland, to name you that 'un! "Wada Dada"?

Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...*gasp*....*chortle snort*.

Just how the hell does anyone take you serious, Wada? "With a name like Wada Dada, you know it's .... whwhahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahaha...*gasp*..I can't breathe!

Oh well...I don't even know why you wrote. And I don't care. Thanks for the moments of pure mirth, "Wada Dadamwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!" *pounding the table*

The lack of reply suggests I mighta hurt his feelings hyar. In keeping with my mean-spirited conservative streak, I sure hope so.

"Wada Dada"? Mwhahahahahhahahahahahahahaha.....