To Cull A Mocking Herd -- II

Are you kidding me?

You remember a few episodes back, I -- er, "Curly" -- had decided to thin out, or "cull" my herd of Russian bride scammers, by letting "Irina Pryunova" know that she'd been trying to scam a 56 year corpse.

I'm sure you laughed, as I did, at her disgusted reply. Das ende, right?

*Buzzer* Wrong...wrong...wrong wrong WRONG!

Four days after what I assumed was *das ende*, I...er...Curly receives this from Irina:

My sweet Jerome,

I am most eagerly wait for your wire send of the money to Western Union so that i may go to travel agency and complete to get my papers to travel to you! Please to let me know all detail when you send. I love you! I can't live without you! I wait you!

WTFski??? I mean, you read what I read, what she sent me after my 'true confession' to her, right? I reckon what we gots h'yar is either a case of pure *blonde* moment, or...I thinks I gots me anuddah scammer what's got one too many scams runnin' to keep 'em all straight.

Ohhhhhhkay...*knuckle crack*...let's pitch in again, Curly-style:

Sweet Irina,

Ooookay, since my last email to you apparently did a Peanut *hey Irina...YAHHHHH!*, I am game to take this to the next astral level. See what I just did there? No, of course you don't. Silly me. I am going to go, right now, to my Western Union, here on Marduk, and wire your money right away. I'm going to wire you $2,200 in USD astral script. I will wire it as we previously agreed. You will have to tell your Western Union office on the physical plane that they will have to recalibrate their receiver, in order to accept an astral wire transfer. You can do that, right? Tell them to tune to 401mhz. Love ya, my dense babe.

A day later, I get this:

My man kitten Jerome!

I so excite to see your email! But please, I need to have informations of western union to collect the money here. What is to me you send the money control number? I need also for western union your name and address. Hurry to tell me this so I can get papers and begin to journey to you! I love you!

I am such a stinker...ain't it great:

My sweet and dense Irina,

Darling, did you do as I asked, and tell the Western Union there how to recalibrate their receivers to get an astral wire transfer? Because if you didn't, none of the rest will matter. Do this, sweetums:

1. Print this email

2. Take it to your Western Union

3. Make sure the clerk can read English

4. Give this to your English-reading clerk

5. *English-reading clerk*: recalibrate your receiver to 401mhz, to receive an astral wire transfer.

With that done, you can collect what I have sent you. Look for it as:

From: Curly Howard

Address: Marduk, Third Astral Plane

c/o 4334 Whittier Blvd, Los Angeles CA 90023

To: Irina Pryunova, Moscow, Russia

Amount Sent: $2,200 USD astral script

MTCN #: 4357000911

Lovin' this,

Curly

A day later, it becomes evident that Irina isn't following instructions:

My Jerome!

I go to Western Union with wire numbers you send, but the clerk she say that there is no money on numbers. She say to me to have you send copy of receipt email for to see. I am disapointed in delay I want to be with you! Please, my man kitten please don't to fail me! I love you! Send me receipt!

*Sigh*...ya give 'em books, and they eat the teacher:

Irina,

Your *blonde* is starting to show here, hon. I told you once already exactly how you must proceed. I'll tell you again:

1. PRINT THIS MESSAGE (that means press the *PRINT* button and take the paper that is created, out of the printer)

2. TAKE THIS MESSAGE TO WESTERN UNION

3. GIVE THIS PRINTED MESSAGE TO WESTERN UNION CLERK THAT CAN READ AND UNDERSTAND ENGLISH

4. HELLO, ENGLISH-UNDERSTANDING WESTERN UNION CLERK. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? WEATHER'S GREAT, ISN'T IT? NOW, TO BUSINESS: ADJUST YOUR WIRE TRANSFER RECEIVER TO 401MHZ, TO RECEIVE ASTRAL WIRE TRANSFER. THAT'S AN INTERDIMENSIONAL TRANSFER, SIR/MA'AM. NOTHING TO IT.

5. WIRE TRANSFER INFORMATION:

SENT BY: CURLY HOWARD

SENT FROM: MARDUK, THIRD ASTRAL PLANE

C/O 4334 WHITTIER BLVD, LOS ANGELES CA 90023

SENT TO: IRINA PRYUNOVA

SENT AMT: $2,200 USD ASTRAL SCRIPT

MTCN: 4357000911

Now, my steppes blossom of dubious intellect, make sure you follow those instructions very precisely, okay? Mwah (that's a kiss, snookums).

Another day and finally, the first signs of an awakening:

Jerome,

Western union clerk cant not to understand what she is to do. She say to me no such to adjust machine for wire transfer. she say no wire transfer to information you send. She say you are bad person to play a game on me, this make me mad to her. What is going on please! I miss on you so much to much more wait for you! What is happening!

It seems that the last time I got candid with her, I got denigrated and told to drop dead...*TOING* I guess I could have Curly try to 'splain the physics of the situation again, eh?

What's say he give it anuddah go:

Irina, Irina, Irina...*sigh*

I detect a lack of faith, baby. This is not good in the maintenance of good astral communications. Faith is a key in accessing the portal to the astral bridge, between the physical and spirit realms. A lack of faith clouds the links, and helps to muddle the portal.

Perhaps, though, it's just as well. You see, Irina, I tried to tell you before that I am not of your world. Not, that is, any more. I died in 1952. My physical self has been dead for 56 years. Much longer than you've been alive and doing naughty things with hamsters. Yet despite that, somehow your karma and my spirit were drawn to meet in cyberspace via the astral bridge, and we have evolved a lust that transcends the time-space continuum. But that bridging is fragile at best; and your lack of faith now -- exemplified by the English-speaking clerk you chose to act as our liasion -- is closing our link to one another, via that very fragile link in the astral bridge portal.

But, things happen for reasons. That your clerk couldn't make the simple adjustment to receive the astral funds, is probably best. Because, my misguided doll, you couldn't have travelled to me here. Not without dying. And what with your current activities and aspirations, had you chosen to expire to come to me, you would have gone via the southern route, through a place where a spit is jammed up your ass, and you're turning on a BBQ for a few generations, to ponder your bad choices on the physical realm.

And frankly, after Lucifer has rebushed you from behind a few thousand times, I don't think we'd have much in common. Yes, I'm shallow in my thinking when it comes to that.

Still...if you want to stay in touch, to learn more about how "the other side" lives on Marduk, I will be more than happy to share with you things spiritual and comedic, nyuk nyuk nyuk. It's what I do...hey Moe..*whack*..OW!

But as for the money? You stand a better chance of riding a porcupine bareback, than collecting funds from the Third Astral Plane. Ewww...what a vision.

Anything more, Irina? I need to go have my wings demolted.

Curly

A day later, the blonde highlights have finally fallen from the hair:

thanks for your severe joke about yours tranfers. I went to western union today. To me have told yours transfer not to exist. I am angry it is pity to me of my spent nerves, money and forces! You act severely with me. You have not right to me like this. I shall come back home tomorow in morning. You are untrue person.

LOL....I'm an "untrue person"; who'd know better than another one? Oh well...we can still be friends, right? Let's see:

Irina,

Hey, I tried to tell you, hon. And I did send the money. I just can't say that you could have cashed USD in astral script, if your Western Union clerk there had had the technical expertise to figure out how to receive it.

Y'know, hereabouts when a relationship goes phfft like a fart in an elevator, sometimes the parting couple can still be friends. I know you're still crazy about me, even if I'm dead as a can of corn borscht. Whaddaya say? Write me when the spirit moves you (see what I just did there?). And keep sending me those photos of whomever you got them from. THAT woman is HOT. All my dead colleagues here were getting reactions we ain't had since they banned astral Viagra in the work coffee.

I'll look forward to your next letter from home, Irina.

xxoo,

Curly

A week later, and I reckon that *Irina* doesn't subscribe to the post-relationship "friends" thang...

Curly 14 Scammers 0 ;-)

ANOTHER UPDATE..???

Irina may be mad at me...but after a week of silence, her curiosity isn't quite willing to let this go just yet:

I have arrived home both mail has decided to look an has seen your letters. You have strongly offend me and why you continue to write me? YOu have borken mine and I do not know heart as to forgive you it, now I di not trust you even if you you will want that I have arrived to you, I have lost many my time, force, nerves and money, therefore I doubt you. How to me you say is dead and writing? Why is this so?

Hmmm...why is this so, ya think? Let's try to answer that 'un, as only Curly can:

Irina,

Of corpse I am dead. This you must trust in, but a quick google search on Jerome "Curly" Howard of the Three Stooges will clarify things. I have previously explained to you how it is that I can write to you across the astral plane; it was your karmic connection, via an email, that made contact with mine. Karma can reach across the astral plane, just as yours did. My friends here at the TimeStream Astral Lab have been working hard on instrumental transcommunication (ITC) for decades now, and are able to regularly communicate via computer, fax, cell phone, text message, and other modes with certain receptive souls from the physical realm. That is how it's done, Irina.

Now, you may be mad at me for not sending you the money, but rest assured that I tried to. But even had the transferrence somehow managed to work, you couldn't have come to me. Not without taking some biologically abrupt steps of the terminal kind. And considering how you've spent some of your recent activities, were you so inclined to make such a change, it would have been to a clime where only a thong bikini would have done, and even then it probably would have come with a permanent megawedgie. Things aren't terribly fun down there, my friend. Trust me on that one; I've chatted briefly with a fellow there named Adolph, and he really thinks life sucks there. Funny, he still blames persons of the Jewish faith for his unhappy existence as Satan's sodomy partner; he just isn't up to learning the whyfer of his perpetually-extended reservations in a land of burnt biscuits. He has a new neighbor named Saddam, who is having the same problem with recognizing fact versus fiction (especially when it's char broiled to a deep crisp all the time), but I digress.

But hey...I'm still your friend, Irina. You can email me anytime. When I'm not helping out at the TimeStream Lab, I'm just laying around, encrypted. See what I just did there?

Curly

Any bets on a follow-up?