Pirates of the Somalibbean

There are pirates. And then, there are pirates.

There are historical pirates, like the notorious, blood-thirsty Blackbeard. There are movie pirates, like the recent Captain Jack Sparrow, or the more classic Captain Blood and Captain Geoffrey Thorpe. There are cartoon pirates, like Captain Yosemite Sam, forever thwarted by a waskily wabbit. There are fantasy pirates, like Captain Hook, who fares ill against imaginative, scrappy boys, fairies, and alligators. And there are the Pittsburgh Pirates, who put the *suck* in the word suck, but there I think I digress. Arrrrrr.

Pirates, privateers, buccaneers, scaliwags, terrorists...today, a pirate by any other name is a pirate despite the name change, and despite what your definition of "is" is. Except, perhaps, to a small segment of the dissatisfied, the dispossessed, the anarchy-minded, and/or the terror-oriented. Pirates have been a thorn in the side of civilized society for a significant part of the human experience, though have proven to be opportunistically beneficial to different "civilized" societies at one time or another, not to mention at least one timeless children's story.

Pirates have been with us since perhaps the advent of human exploration, trade and migration via the sea. Pirates wrought havoc in the Aegean and Mediterranean throughout the eras of Homer's Iliad (the siege of Troy); in the time of Thermopylae; throughout the rise and fall of the Persians, Greeks, Spartans, Thebes, Athens, the Macedonian Alexander the Great, Carthage, Rhodes, Rome, et al. Pirates opportunistically negotiated with Spartacus during the great slave rebellion AND with Rome; at different times, different powers of the day alternatively found themselves allied with, and at odds with, the pirates. One Roman warlord -- Pompey the Great -- waged a successful land and sea campaign to largely stamp out piratical activities to the east and west of Rome, along critical trade routes from Italy to her eastern and western empire in 67 BC, only to see their resurgence at a later time, as Roman attentions were turned inward, aka Julius Caesar vs Pompey, etc., as well as to more landward threats, aka the various nomadic tribes of militaristic migratory inclinations. Pirates saw other rises and falls, such as with the advent of the fledgling US Navy in the early 1800s; a short time later, US privateers were used to advantage against the British during the War of 1812; they also had their day against the North by the South during the American Civil War, under the guise of "commerce raiders".

Throughout known chronology, pirates have ebbed and flowed on the human tide of Time. Pirates' fortunes have risen and fallen with the times, technology, and the aging of Peter Pan. Pirates have been demonized, blasphemized, romanticized, fantasized, lionized and supersized (on some of those honkin' big drink cups at various fast food restaurants).

Even as time advances, and technology takes incredible leaps forward, piracy remains in being, well into the advent of the 21st Century. While Captain Jack Sparrow garners millions on movie screens world-wide, real pirates garner millions, continuing to prey on commerce along sea lanes in southeast Asia; and more recently, they have enjoyed a resurgence of noteworthy success along the sea approaches to the Persian Gulf.

I give you the next Hollywood (un)extravaganza: Pirates of the Somalibbean.

On a political blog I visit (Right Truth), a post about the Somali pirates (aka, terrorists) and a couple of the subsequent comments from readers, drew a tart response from one reader, decrying what he saw as the lumping of all Somalis with the pirates, and the lumping of all Muslims, likewise, in what he referred to as "mindless bigotry".

Perhaps a fair complaint; not all Somalis are pirates; not all Muslims are pirates from Somalia. Fact is, it's not a lockstep certainty that all of the pirates operating from Somalia's east coast ARE Somalis. It's probably not a lockstep certainty that all of the aforementioned pirates are Muslims.

Then again, it appears -- from all intelligence accounts -- that fair portions of the substantial ransom sums being collected by these no-declared-nationality-or-religious-affiliation pirates, from the ships seized from countries and shipping companies that would rather pay than fight, is finding its way into the coffers of Muslim extremists, like Al Qaida.

So perhaps the shoe fits, eh?

There's something of an argument afoot in the world community as to just what should be done about this piratical activity off the coast of Somalia. Recently, an Indian warship engaged and destroyed a pirate "mother ship". Personally, I applaud India for taking a definitive stand. Not everyone else is so sure.

Some have suggested that it is the problem of the countries whose ships have been seized; many of these countries have a merchant marine, but no military navy of any practical consequence. Others suggest that it calls for a regional response, from countries with their own varying irons in the fire. Still others think that the substantial US Navy -- just as it did in the early 1800s -- should weigh anchors and kick some piratical ass, regardless of nationality and religious affiliation that gets waded into.

But, still others -- fearing to further tarnish our image abroad with terrorists and other countries that don't care a row of pins for our existence -- think we should steer clear of it entirely, and leave it up to the United Nations to mediate.

*TOING*

Yep...that'll put a skeer in them waskily piwates..hahahaha.

I reckon that after some serious committee meetings, general session debates, and plenty of festive dinners to celebrate having achieved next-to-nothing -- UN SOP -- a vaunted and earth-shaking resolution will be issued by the UN, and addressed to the Somali-et al-Muslim-et al pirates, that is sure to have an immediate impact on their activities.

I reckon it will read something akin to the following:

From: The UN
Date: Sometime in 2009, if they get to it
Subj: A Plea For Cessation Of Untoward, If Justified, Activities
Dear Persons with obvious grievances,

We of the UN have become aware of your rather untoward activities in the Indian Ocean area not far from the Persian Gulf, and we are most distressed by this. We are most distressed that you find it necessary to act in a manner not entirely consistent with "we are the world, we are the children". We deeply regret that you feel this way. Indeed, we feel a sense of responsibility for your untoward activities and negative view of some of our membership body. Truth be told, we tend to agree with some of that feeling, though we have to be a bit careful about speaking too loud, elsewise our landlords might kick our butts out of this very posh headquarters we enjoy at their taxpayers' expense. But we digress.

We realize that your activities, untoward as they appear, are probably a reaction to the injustice, greed and mean-spiritedness you see in the world, especially from one sphere of it. We realize that your current actions -- kind of technically violations of maritime and world law, at least in one very strict sense of the word, a sense that we don't completely agree with in your case, may we add -- are just the most effective way you can voice your grievances to the injustice, greed and mean-spiritedness that you have had to endure for generations, since it's been too much to ask you to turn to, act responsibly, pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and build yourselves a better life through hard work, innovation, education and peaceful cooperation. Rest assured that we won't do that to you.

We are nonetheless required by a petty segment of world opinion -- and we apologize for having to do this in advance of doing it -- to ask you, pretty please, stop this understandable, if not altogether proper activity of yours, as it regards seizing ships on the open sea, and holding them for multi-million dollar ransoms. Again, we want you to understand that we completely sympathize with your situation and worldview. But because we are required by the aforementioned petty segment of world opinion -- those capitalist dogs -- to take action, we simply must notify you in writing that if you don't stop misbehaving, we will be forced to pass another one of those countless resolutions we are so good at passing. And while it won't amount to spit in the ocean, and will have little umph behind it to enforce or impose any meaningful sanctions whatsoever, we cannot rule out the possibility that one or more nations from that petty segment of world opinion, might take a different view of this resolution, and take advantage of it to resort to...*gasp*...rather harsh, unwarranted and totally uncalled-for military action against your righteous selves.

Of course, we'll do all in our lack of power to try to prevent that, but if you could see your way clear to helping us by at least mitigating some of your activities -- at least until some of the media has a good American-based political or entertainment scandal to get themselves into a dither over, losing focus on this issue entirely, easily-distracted as the infidels in the American media are -- we of the UN General Assembly would very greatly appreciate it, and we'll work quietly behind the scenes to make it up to you, soon as possible.

Thank you for any assistance and cooperation you deem to provide us.

Most humbly and sincerely yours,

Whozeewhatzits
Secretary General
United Nations
NYC, NY
USA

Yawp...that's, I reckon, what the UN would send to those Somali Muslim pirates. DOH...did I just make a politically incorrect gaffe there? I do hate when that happens. Just as I'll tend to hate when or if a US Navy warship has the occasion to send a few boatloads of these Somali Muslim pirates to meet their 72 virgins in Davy Jones' Locker, only for the just martyred to find out that the virgins are sharks.

*Munch*