Dear Skunky -- XIII

Allegations of religious blasphemy leads some folks to outrage, turning over and BBQing cars, and threatening all sorts of jihaddish behavior.


For others, it's just a gas. Like email scammers.


From Mrs. Florence Scam...er...Gram (mrsflorencegram@kuwaiti.tv), I get an email titled Dearest In The Lord (which immediately got a hearty phfffft out of Pastor Gas, Rev. Tilton). Here are some of the more...er...religious references that are interwoven with an obvious scam:


Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I decided to donate my late husband's fund ($3 Million 5 Hundred Thousand US Dollars, secured by her sex-starved husband -- another victim of palmicide after 11 years of marriage without a child -- with a security company in Europe...she says) to a church that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want a church or Individual (*TOING*..that's me) that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavor the house of God is maintained. The Bible says "Blessed is the hand that giveth" ("the business" was not part of the biblical quote, but she'd of added it if she were honest). I took this decision because I don't have any child (if you'd a opened up the iron box at the inverted Y, you might have) that will inherit this money and my late husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want his money to go to non-believers.


Yeah, right. Anyway, she goes on with With God all things are possible (including finding dupes who believe this disingenuous, hypocritical tripe of yours) and as soon as I receive your reply I shall give you contact of the security company. Then comes this closing flourish: Exodus 14 vs 14 says that "the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace". Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth.

She'd be a good disciple of Rev. Tilton, shore 'nuff.

Now, I don't get as riled as some do, when someone takes religion for granted, or tries to use it to take advantage, as Pastor Gas and this lowlife trollope do. In fact, I tend to get a bit irreverent. Perhaps a bit too irreverent for some who'll read what follows, but if you've been reading Dear Skunky for a few episodes, you'll have guessed that this kind of response was coming at some point, and once again as Jack N. Ewehoff:

Dear Madam Gram of Crack, I am moved, much as a bowel, by your words of praise of Hisself and your turn to fauxgenerosity as you rot like a carp on hot asphalt. Seeing as how you are biblical in your efforts to give me His alleged business, I would like to add a few additional, and I believe, germaine, passages of faith, that will have your heart pounding with..er..some kind of reaction. Hopefully, a cardio vaporlock:

In the beginning there was nothing, and from nothing, something happened. Damned if I know what, 'cuz I wasn't there -- Gennys Sis 1 verse 1

With God, all things are possible; not so when the legislature is in session -- Damocles 3 verse 15

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and craps like a duck, anyone but a blonde is reasonably sure it isn't a badger -- Dry Heaves 8 verse 9

Yes, I have no bananas. Screw you, hippy -- Gennys Sis 9 verse 16

I don't fancy a crown of thorns or a porcupine enema, either way or end -- Matthew 3 verse 6

I bet that'll leave a mark -- Mark 16 verse 7

If asked if you are a moron by birth or choice, a simple shrug would be best -- Luke 14 verse 11

Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid -- Duck 6 verse 14

No soup for you! -- Seinfeld 12 verse 21

I'd like you to meet Ma Thumb and her four daughters, serving Mankind when Womankind has a headache -- Palms 1 verse 1

Go ahead, make my day -- Durdy Harold 6 verse 8

Dagnabbit -- Paul to the Colostomies 2 verse 18

Hark - what through yon window break? It is a rock! And I just replacethed that window! Damneth! -- Shakespeare 4 verse 13

God gave you two heads, but only enough blood to work one at a time. Choose wisely -- Peter 1 verse 1

Not split pea soup again -- Revulsions 3 verse 1

Constipation is the ultimate form of anal retention -- Proctology 6 verse 7

That from which your lower orifice spews is not blasphemy; it is blastfromyou -- Isaiah Geeawd that stanks 1 verse 10

And Mary said to Joseph, "lighting farts is so juvenile...stop it" -- Mass Exodus 4 verse 2

If there is anything further I can do to lend you comfort in your hour of realizing you screwed the biblical pooch on this scam attempt, please feel free to print this out and shove it up your ass, sideways.

The Widow Florence Gram was apparently so overcome with my supportive words, she was rendered speechless...though, there might be a fundamentalist sect out there somewhere that now deigns me a heretic. That's okay; Islamofascists already thought me an infidel. Eh.