Wednesday, February 14, 2007

A Pernicious Privy

April Fools' is a month and a half off, yet I think someone's getting an early start on me. Eh; if they can ignore the calendar, so can I.

Just when I am beyond convinced that there is no trick left, no ploy unplayed, no twist or turn left for a Nigerian 419 email scammer to throw in my general comes out of waaaay left field with something that demands my warped attention.

It's not that the scam in and of itself holds anything new and unique: I've seen this general format many times before. It isn't the methodology that stands out; pretty (sub)standard approach. It isn't the geographic location from where it is allegedly originating; I get a lot of 419 crapola from (or purported to be from) the UK.

Nope; it's the name chosen by the scammer that made me glad I wasn't ingesting a beverage when I first perused it.

Mr. Clean John. (

That's not a typo. He repeats it throughout the pitch. Allow me to share a part and parcel of it:

From the Desk of Mr. Clean.John
NATWEST Bank London 4-7 Court
Buston Road London WC3 8NX UK


I am Mr. Clean.John, the head (my emphasis, not his) of accounts and treasury NATWEST Bank of London. With due respect I have decided to contact you on a business that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end (*snort*) of the transaction which demands urgent attention.

He goes on to explain how a German National by the last name of Schranner and his entire family was killed in a plane crash (probably when the plane's toilet hit them at impact), leaving behind some $25 Million in US Dollars (of course; never get killed by a flying dunny in a plane crash without a bank account flush with them US Dollars), and that time is fast approaching that the money will be confiscated by the bank. Unless we take a hand now.

Then he gets around to asking me three key questions:

Can (my emphasis again) you handle this project?
Can I give you this trust?
What will be your commission?

And then there's the usual secrecy clause and "need for urgency with this transaction", yada, yada, yada.

Concluded with Yours Faithfully, Mr. Clean.John

My first thought -- after the *snorting* episode ended -- was, "what a turd".


Witness the following reply (de)composed to Mr. Clean.John, from his prospective partner in getting the business; and wonder, like me, if he'll reply to it:

Dear Clean & Scrubbed John:

"Can I handle this project"?

To use an old cliche, does a bear defecate in the woods?

The mere fact you sent me this email suggests that you harbor few doubts as to my viability for this project. My analysis of your moving effort to wipe my slate clean for the corpse kraut Schmuckenheimerdingerthingee reveals a desire on your part to get to the seat of the issue quickly, accept no tissue of falsehoods, and not strain to accomplish the objective in a manure you think will be lucrative.

There can be but little doubt that if we avoid a critical waste of time, we'll soon be flush with success as anyone could be, what with the poopload of cash you're talking about here. A very charmin amount, indeed.

The sooner we begin movement on this, the sooner we can get dunny.

As for my notion of fees, seize the moment now and we'll worry about my just commission when we're all dung.

Before you get into the bowels of this arrangement, I would be curious to know how you came to select me specifically. With your explanation, I shall see myself clear to acommodeiate you in the manure you are deserving of.

And of course, I will maintain the secrecy you've made me privy to, most assuredly.

Finally, if not totally germaine to this issue, you will remember to wash your hands before you eat, right?


Mr. Pernicious T. Urd

Whaddaya think? Think he'll write back? Or have I had the last turd on this?

*ducking throwd items*


Blogger Raggedy said...

I loved your post.

15 February, 2007 08:55  
Anonymous stacy said...

Make sure you wash your hands when you've finished with this one. ;)

16 February, 2007 08:45  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

I wrote this, and thought of you!

17 February, 2007 10:11  

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