Take A Step Back

Ever noticed that some folks are in a bigger hurry than you are?

At the store. On the highway. Walking down a street. In business and at leisure. Someone's always in a hurry. Frequently they're in a hurry because they're all about what they're into, where they're going, and what their perceived place in the universe is.

Eh: more power to 'em. I'm happy to move to the right so they can be on with their hurry. It needn't concern me.

But sometimes, they're in a hurry where you are concerned.

Not because you're not moving fast enough; they're in a hurry where you're concerned with regards to your age.

On January 10, I received a piece of snail mail that began with the opening and less than delicate salvo:

Our records show that you haven't yet registered for the benefits of AARP membership, even though you are FULLY ELIGIBLE.

Hello??? Them's fightin' woids.

It's January 10, 2007. I ain't hit the half-century mark just yet. It might be splitting hairs or a simple point of miniscule contention, but my actual achievement of the milestone enroute to tombstone is still a couple weeks away. And in any event, I'm not turning 50: I'll be 29 for the 21st time, and I intend to keep on practicing until I get it right.

At least another ten years, I reckon.

And that's the truth...phfffffft.

So I went online to AARP (www.aarp.org) and sent them the following email so as to clarify the chronological discrepancy and, in essence, put a definitive "whoa!" to this run-away wagon of theirs, trying to wisk me prematurely into curmudgeondom:

Dear AARPsters:

Now just a suck egg mule, goat pokin' friggin' minute hyar. While it is biologically reasonable to establish and support the truth that, chronologically speaking, rumors of my date with half-centurydom are imminent, I can say with fully documentable fact and supporting evidence that I'M NOT THERE YET. And your efforts to plant your bureaucratic foot 'pon my backside to hurry the process along is in need of a take-a-step-back, yall.

I will turn 50 when I am good and ready -- or when I am outstripped in my quest to destroy every visual calendar that undercuts plausible deniability -- but NOT BEFORE, and danged certain NOT on the word of some bureaucratic boondoggle in the DC Beltway!

Uh-kay?

The initial reply I got was one of them auto-reply fangled things, telling me your thoughts and concerns are important to us, and we will reply to your comments within a couple of business days.

Righhhhhht.

Once they get around to reading the above, it may or not affect some future application of mine to join the ranks of dues-paying curmudgeons of AARP inclinations. But I will be snarfalloogied before I will be rushed into premature chronological advancement by any DC bureaubrat of dubious antecedence and inept calendar-reading skills.

I'm in no hurry to accelerate my aging perfectly gracelessly on my own, thank ye. Not even by a day.