A Lil' Bit of...Nuthin' and Sumpin'

Perhaps I can call this one "notes from wherever the stuff scattered after hitting the fan", or some such:

1. Between November 15 and December 15, I took every scam offer received on two of my email addys, and sent them a quid pro quo offer: if they'd answer my one-question poll, I'd help them with the business they were sending me. The question was: are you a moron by (a) birth (b) choice (c) manual insertion of your cranial structure into your anal orifice?

Over the period of 30 days, I received and responded thus to 51 scam offers. Of those, 45 chose not to reply in any form. Spoil sports.

Of the 6 that did reply, 3 chose to ignore my poll question, and treat my response as affirmation of their scam. When I wrote back and reprompted them to answer up to get my help, they didn't follow up. Spoil sports.

Of the 3 that did at least acknowledge my poll question, 1 sort of answered it (initiating a two month-long scambait); one was "mostly confused to the propose of this question", whereupon I tried to clear their "mostly confused" in a brief series of emails, ending in being told to "f*** off" (spoil sport); and the last one immediately engaged in an insultfest, which I gleefully responded to. A good analogy of it for any parents out there would be to listen to two of your young ones engaging in "You stink!" ... "No, you do!" ... "You did first!" ... "Did not!" ... "Did too!" ... "I'm gonna tell!" ... "Crybaby!" ... "Am not!" ... "Are too!" ... etc.

Yeah, I know...but the 'kid' in me craves indulgence now and then. So I do, now and then.

2. A Nigerian princess contacted me to be her 'savor' by posting to the Nigerian government -- via her bannister -- as her guardian (she claimed to be 19). And once I'd won charge of her inheritance -- $10.5 million dollars -- she would come over here and be my adopted daughter, and go to school to become a doctor, or lawyer, or a set-up wench at a presidential townhall meeting that makes a name by faking dire circumstances, to win sympathy/adulation for the prez widda masses (altogether now, "awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww").

She allowed my character -- Eyegor Frankoonsteen, represented in a photo by a middle-aged version of Fred Gywnn, aka "Herman Munster" -- to, among other things, get away with asking her the question "who's yer daddy?", as well as convince her that Eyegor was exploring top US schools for her to attend, including Sharon Fallatio School of Groinacology and Whattsamatta U.

And just as her and her bannister -- Ugame Wetta -- thought they were at the point of receiving $4600 USD for legal documents et al., Eyegor advised them that he'd been contacted by a Mariam Abacha, who claimed to be legal guardian of Victoria Nboma, and was taking legal action against Eyegor Frankoonsteen to stop his adoption of same, which confused the snarf out of Nboma, and sent Wetta into a fit of "don't listen to this false person...do as I tell you!" emails, only to have the two of them give up after about six attempts to steer Eyegor back on the meerkat trail.

Ain't I(gor) a stinker?

3. Another scammer wrote to tell me I'd won the Microsoft Netherlands Online Lotto, for 1.25 million pound sterling (UK), and I was to contact the claims agent at the email addy provided. Which my character -- Ben Dover -- did, with gratitude and glee. After being told to Western Union a processing fee of $750 pound sterling to someone in London with an Islamofascist-sounding name (Alji Bahba Bin Horkin Ali Hasheed, or some such), I waited a week, prompting a "send processing fee soonest or will be disqualified for prize" email from a Ben Van der Voorten Poorten; to which I replied, "Why send the fee? I just received the cheque! Thank you!". Which got a totally confused response ("this is not possibe without you pay process fees...you pay them now, okay?"), to which I politely said no ("I got my money, so why should I pay YOU a fee? What did YOU do to earn a fee?"). Another confused response from the scammer who's losing his communication skills quickly ("i not to know how this is happen...you pay fee soonest to make correct this now"), another refusal ("You haven't explained what it is you did to deserve a fee being paid, and since I have my money, phffft"), and finally a threat of legal action ("if you no pay fees i know where to send police to you and make for the fees be payd now you want of me take this action or you pay what is right? this is not the fair of you!"), to which I happily replied no ("Life ain't fair, laddie. Send in the gendarmes, Ben Van der Putz Schmucken, and I'll have coffee and donuts to distract 'em with!").

That ended that, though not without a cost: I wasted the price of a box of Hostess Donuts, just in case ;-)

4. I also get after-the-fact emails from people who find my scambaits, both in time and too late: I got an email from a person I've never heard of, but we apparently have a mutual 'friend': one of the Russian bride scamstresses I baited (and posted on, back in '08). Seems that he'd heard from her, as well. And fell for her. And sent her $1,000 to get her travel papers in order. And then never heard from her again. So he did some belated research, and found my blog series on her. And said in the email "I wish I had read your entry before I was so stupid stupid stupid STUPID!!!".

On a better note, another email came from someone in Australia, who'd been contacted about an online job for a foreign fabrics manufacturer. So she applied. Then, after being accepted, something went *TOING* and made her do some online research. And she found my multi-part blog entry on scambaiting the exact same company. For that, I got a nice "thank you for saving me a lot of humiliation and money! I love what you do here!"

Still wonder why I scambait, beyond just the laughs? And finally from the Sometimes They Call Back Files:

5. After using my home phone number on a tag-team scambait with a noted political blogger, I continue to get calls from someone (or ones) overseas (I can tell when backchecking the call afterward; I almost never answer my phone until I see if the caller left a message or not). But it's not like I don't entertain them: I change my voice mail messages frequently, alternating between mp3 files of The Three Stooges, South Park, various movie clips, bites from Laugh-In, the Carol Burnett Show, Black Adder, Looney Tunes, etc. My recent favorite -- which the caller may have heard or not -- was a voice from a 90s commercial saying, "Behold the power of cheese", followed by a loud fart, and then the Three Stooges saying in unison, "I didn't do it, he did it!".

Yawp...family and friends just chalk it all up to three concussions, though my mother did leave a message that "you're an idiot..albeit, a loveable one". Thanks, Ma ;-)