Don't Send In The Clowns

No need (Judy); I'm here.

Saturn is the latest to figure that out. Again.

A couple years or so ago, a Saturn dealership -- not the one I frequent for auto service -- sent me an introductory and thank you letter for my having visited their facilities. In Fort Collins, CO. I live in Lakewood.

My written reply to them went unresponded to (view it hyar, if you dare).

This time, it's Saturn of Highlands Ranch who gets the edumacation.

In short: they sent me a letter, offering to buy back my Saturn 2000 SL 1, in return for "factory incentives and high trade-in values", resulting in "an exchange with little or no money down and a monthly payment that fits your (my) budget".

How soon they forget (and less they communicate): Saturn of Denver (my then and current service destination for my current auto) sent me "an offer ah couldn't refuse" in '03, even then seeking my '00 SL 1.

Since Saturn had the ad with the Ion and the clowns (aka, "putting the fun back in driving"...gag me with a front end loader), I thought working that into my "let them down easy" reply letter would help.

Probably not, but I digress. And yes, I actually sent them the following letter:

May 18, 2006

Saturn of Highlands Ranch
6828 E. County Line Rd.
Highland Ranch, CO

Re: Test Market/Buy-Back Event, May 18-20, 2006

Dear Saturns/ettes of Highlands Ranch:

I am in receipt of your very kind and generous offer regarding my 2000 Saturn SL 1. A most intriguing offer, to be sure. One I'd probably jump all over, save for one wee factoid: you're too late.

In 2003, Saturn of Denver (yes, your brat siblings) pitched me a 0% financing offer for an '03 Saturn, if I'd talk turkey with them over my then '00. After a few hours of practice with correspondence course language tapes, I was able to achieve a proficiency in turkeyese that left the SoD sales staff bearing the same collective expressions as the AFLAC duck after his run-in with Yogi Berra.

Same went for me, since I have no idea what I said or signed for, then or since. For all I know, they sold me an Ion and the ownership papers to Newark, NJ. But I digress.

Bottom line: my 2000 SL 1 hasn't been mine since June 9, 2003. I am the proud almost-owner (with 0% interest admirably assisting the process) of a 2003 Saturn Ion (and perhaps Newark); it didn't come equipped with clowns (to, in your words, put the fun back in driving), but it didn't need any. If I hadn't scared them all off with my tornado chasing in '04 and '05, I'm still all the clown this poor car will ever be subjected to. Unless, of course, I start dating again, and we're not going there in this letter.

If you contact your brat sib..kindly brethren at Saturn of Denver (start with the ever-efficient and charming Lorene), perhaps they can put you in touch with the person/persons who now have what was once my one-owner Saturn 2000 SL 1. Maybe you won't have to talk turkey with them; if you do, I can loan you some tapes to help you brush up. It's not that time of the year when blaze orange clothing is required to keep the conversation free of rude interruptions from Elmer Fudd, so now's the time.

At any rate (and I doubt it's 0% anymore), happy SL 1 hunting.

Sincerely...(really...HONEST)

I'll be more than happy to share with you any reply I get from them. Which I didn't in the aforementioned case link.

In an unrelated (and not) note, Monica now has official bona fides to prove she's mentally a top her game (not that any of us had doubts); yall have this blog to unofficially prove I'm just the opposite. If you need further proof, ask Saturn of Highlands Ranch. Or Saturn of Ft. Collins...PETA...the British Royal Family... etc.

*running away in oversized shoes, honking a silly sounding horn...*