Animation vs Science Fiction

Life can be so surreal sometimes. At other times, just surreally absurd. When viewed by a pet rock, put the emphasis squarely on absurd.

That's Seymour's take on this current controversy between the animated Comedy Central mainstay, South Park, and a cultish, screwball creation amusingly called a religion by its "followers".

Seymour doesn't get it: South Park can (and does) lampoon about anyone and anything. When it comes to religion, no denomination is safe from the satire and parody of Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Except, apparently, when it came to the 'thetans' of L. Ron Hubbard: last November, the episode Trapped In The Closet ran on Comedy Central. In it -- apparently -- the four animated and totally out-of-control fourth graders of South Park, CO, take their turn lampooning the so-called religion of Scientology. One of the side characters in the episode -- "Chef" -- is voiced by none other than Isaac Hayes, a devout Scientologist.

In an interview earlier this year, Hayes made light of the episode, chiding anyone for taking it too seriously, and noting with amusement that (Trey) Parker and (Matt) Stone "make fun of everyone".

But with a re-run of the episode scheduled for the week of March 17, first Hayes quits the show, claiming (suddenly, and after years of willingly intolerant and bigoted participation) that he can no longer put up with "the intolerance and bigotry on the show". THEN it comes out that Comedy Central -- a subsidiary of Viacom -- is not going to re-run the episode. It seems that Paramount Studios -- a subsidiary of Viacom -- has been told (allegedly) by Scientologist Tom Cruise that if the episode is allowed to run again, he'll not promote Paramount's upcoming summer release of Mission Impossible 3. Seems that Cruise is one of the Scientologists parodied in the episode. And he didn't like it, anymore than celebrity whiner Sean Penn liked the Parker/Stone marionette representation of hisself in Team America: World Police. Thus piqued, Cruise allegedly went to Paramount with the threat, to get it (the re-run of the South Park episode) suppressed.

An allegation that Cruise's paid mouthpiece pithily denies.

But Parker or Stone don't buy it. And apparently, neither does Seymour.

At any rate, South Park creators Parker and Stone have declared "war" on Scientology, in the same fearless manure they take on anyone and anything with their irreverent, parodious style.

This should prove interesting.

Not having watched much (ie., any) of South Park, answer me this: is Kenny still around to get killed by "those bastards"?

I confess that I know little more about Scientology; I don't travel in the circles of celebrity dupes..er..Scientologists. Fact is, I don't care a great deal about learning the details of other foo-foo religions or sects; I tend to annoy Seven Day Adventists who knock on my door with this joke: what do you get when you cross a Seven Day Adventist with an atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason... Bottomline is, I believe what I believe, and don't have time for new age religions or those pushers of odd-denominations who basically spend their time whoring for money, first, last, always (like the infamous Pastor Gas).

But Seymour -- the ever-inquisitive pet rock -- has mondo time on his ha..er...time to do research. So he's chosen to look more into it.

What he came up with, well...take with a grain of salt. Perhaps a block of it. And remember, he's a rock: he's still learning basics of English grammar and comprehension from yours truly; and yall know how I slaughter the language for fun and raised eyebrows:

G. Sod Dubyard is the creator of this quasi-infume religion. He came up with a science fiction concept for the newly-evolving television genre in the early 1950s, which was panned by the critics as reading "too faux-religious sounding". Brooding over his rejection with a cup of coffee laced with meth, it suddenly came to G. Sod in a drug-laced *TOING* that he had made up..er..divined a tremendous and potentially tax-free way to dupe the IRS: thus was born Signabathroomwallogy (which would be shortened later, but the rock digresses).

Thus it came to pass: the birth of a cult religion, based on a rejected and poorly-written science fiction script, which would prove to be based loosely on characters of the eventual cult hit Science Fiction Theatre 3000.

Quickly making up..er..divining concepts like "flatua" (an energy existing in the bowels of every entity of the universe; the sulfer-based ones were particularly disgusting) and Energy, Space, Munchies = TTR (Time To Run) which flatua controls, particularly in enclosed spaces like elevators, Dubyard began to spread his New Word in his introductory book, Dysenterics, which well prepares readers for what's to come in the formal religion thereafter.

G. Sod's theory is that flatuans are a part of each of us, and live on when the physical portion crumbles and disperses after one too many spicy tacos or garlic & onion fajitas. Most current flatua have "lost" their way and their path to greater fragrance, through the impurities of an impure world; but using renewal and loads of mandatorily-donated dinero, individual flatua may find their way back to fiscally bankrupted bliss (make the checks, 401ks, stocks, bonds, trust funds, properties, soul of first borns, etc. payable to Signabathroomwallogy, to be shortened later).

Besides the impurities in an impure world, what else derails the flatua from the path of total financial dependence on the cult? According to G. Sod, things like pre-birth trauma; watching an episode of The Apprentice; exposure to CSPAN, CNN or a William Hung CD; topless photos of Patricia Ireland; an intellectual discussion with the bimbos of Airhead America; and/or watching a "Girls Gone Wild -- The Geriatrics Ward" video.

But there's something deeper, and more sinister yet, that forces flatuans from the path of spiritual olfactory-hardening: the evil influences of X-Emu (pictured top right).

Millyuns and millyuns of years before Carl Sagan talked like that, alien invaders from the Gallaxy game and other malevolent orbs like Moveon.org and the MetroCab Confounderacy, invaded the land of the dinosaurs and pre-liberals, sequestering themselves deep inside volcanoes (using the heavy sulfur to mask them from the more astute Flatuans), beer vats, outhouse pits and within the footnotes of Hillary Clinton's Rose Law Firm billing records. It was He who decreed this be so: The Evil Emperor, X-Emu.

It is claimed that the Evil Emperor was defeated and is being held without bail at Club Gitmo, pending a writ of habeus corpse; being ably represented by Clark Clifford, it is thought He has the same chances of parole that Saddam Hussein's marionette puppet has, but that's for later.
Nonetheless, His evil influence lives on, clouding the path of righteous nonsense for the wayward and lost Flatuans; evidence of which (according to such followers as His Nibs, Tom Cruisecontrol) is found in the purveyors of nefarious, scattergun humor against The Word, aka South Park.

Save for those, of course, who are found, cleansed (of every last penny) and rebirthed by G. Sod Dubyard's Signabathroomwallogy, soon to be shortened. Adherents (aka, the brain-washed) of Signabathroomwallogy -- soon to be shortened -- seek, through the redemption of wealthy, easily-suckered recruits, and tactics embracing the best of the Soros playbook (threats, intimidation, picketing, personal smears and the planting of rumors that detractors' mothers wear barbwire corsets), to eventually rule the world, and forever banish X-Emu to re-runs of Sesame Street.

And there you have...."it".

At any rate, I'll be watching how the South Park/Scientology controversy plays out, though probably not as closely as Seymour. I just hope that Seymour doesn't get "bitten" by the religious cult 'bug'; Seymour usually is the one making impressions, especially in anything he falls on. But he's still rather impressionable himself. Just ask Jane, when she got him on a "pull my finger" episode in a lead-up to April Fools...

Meantime...and pseudoseriously...anyone have a notion of how expensive it is to de-program a pet rock? Let alone, keep him from sending my loose change to some freak cult. Just askin'...