Guess They DON'T Do Donuts -- Part II

Dang.  I was half-hoping that my suggestive email as Jack N. Ewehoff would have drawd a reply from the scammers from the international police/drug-using reverends/Nigerian dentists.

But, it didn't.  So I moved onto Plan B:  after writing to the actual organization that the scammers used -- and learning that the organization was aware of the scam and was urging me not to communicate with the schmucks -- I decided to exercise some creative license with their original email from Part I, and make some changes that I thought made sense, all things considered.

It will now be up to you, the readers, to decide if my idea of making-sense changes did, in fact, make any sense whatsoever.

Without further ado:

From: INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCERS <unitednationsadvicer@ymail.com>
To:
Sent: Tuesday, March 27, 2012 11:13 PM
Subject: FROM INTERNATIONAL ASSORTED ASSOCIATIONS 115.68.26.45

FROM INTERNATIONAL ASSORTED ASSOCIATIONS UNITED STATES SECTION ( I.A.A).

Region No. 2 New York City

P.O. Box 804 Wet-My-Knickers Station

New York City, New -York 10002-0804 U.S.A.

 

The office of the international assorted associations (I.A.A), in loose association with the Nigerian drug enforcement reverends association (NDERE), and even looser association with the Nigerian Dental Practicers Association (NDPA), hereby write to inform you that we caught a person of dubious antecedence in the guise of a diplomat of dubious diplocedence at  John F**king Kerry Heinz Ketchup Airport here in Boston with parcel box filed with united state dollars.   What first caught our eye was how they were filed, under 'Washed' and 'Not Yet'.  More on that later.

 

Meanwhile, based on our interview to the diplocedent (Mr. Festus Custis MyFavorite Martians) he said that the parcel box belongs to you or a intricately-carved facsimile that looks like you.  He claims he was sent by REV.Terry Hawkins  of the never-extant Nigerian Money & Banana Laundry (delivery Mon-Fri; see our Yellow Pages ad for discount coupons) to deliver the parcel box to your doorstep, not knowing that your doorstep couldn't sign for the f**king thing.  If we release him to come your way, kindly post a big-ass sign that clarifies that for him, okay?

 

Where were we?  Oh...he also claimed that he didn't know the content of the parcel box is money, bananas, and at least one stow-away monkey that's been eating the bananas and crapping all over the money. The diplocedent also said that his first transit in the states was at Cincinnati Northern Kentucky International Airport Ohio, which told us that he is very directionally challenged, since we gotz him here in Boston, because he doesn't tawk like us h'yar.

 

Now, the diplocedent is under detention in the office of (I.A.A) security -- a locked room with a cot, bed pan, and has MSNBC piped in 24/7, backward, so as to listen for demonic content which is usually understood forward --  and we cannot release him until he can successfully give us the countersign he was supposed to have been given by a rogue Iranian agent named Osama bin Sunken. 

 

Plus, we carry out our proper investigation on how this huge amount of crapped-on money and banana mash managed to be yours before we will release him with the boxes. Which needs to be soon, 'cuz we think the monkey inside has dysentery, and it's getting abominally ripe.

 

So, in this regard, you are to assure and prove to us that:

 

1.  The monkey in the box is not your uncle;

2.  You have an OSHA-approved plan to deal with the dysentery on the money and bananas therein;

3.  You have never appeared on Farting With The Stars (a show that ABC recently re-un-cancelled since they didn't know NBC snuck it into their prime time Friday night line up);

4.  You are of moral turpitude, and/or at least know someone who might be with training and implants;

 5.  That a portion of the money you are about to receive is immediately given to the Barry Soetero Hussein Nobama Legal Defense Fund, to keep his real background hidden from pesky truth seekers.

 

If you don't do that, the diplocedent will be subjected to repeated belly flops on him from Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne Barr.  Waterboarding?  We knowz what torture truly is.  Ha.

 

Oh..and we need you to send us the  Ownership Certificate showing that the money is not illegal.  Good luck on that one.

 

Note that the Residential Certificate/Proof Of Ownership Certificate was carefully crafted during a crystal meth party in the office of the Senate president in Nigeria, because that is the only office that had a color copier anyone could figure out how to operate, once the whole gaggle of morons was strung out on meth.

 

You are advised to forward immediately the Certificate if you have it with you, but if you do not have it, we will urge you as a matter of urgency to contact back the sender of the diplocedent to help you secure the Certificate if at all you did not have it.

 

We hopes you understood that last paragraph.  None of us does.

 

Below is the contact information of the person we claim that sent the diplocedent.  Furnish the lazy fat f**k with your Telephone, Full Names -- any and all that you use -- and Residential Address.

 

Name: REV.Terry Hawkins

Email: terryhwakins@mail.mn 

 

Furthermore, we are giving you only 500 working business days to forward the requested Certificate. We'd give you more, but what the f**k:  we can't keep this bogus email address forever. 

 

Please note that we shall get back to you after the 500 working business days if you didn’t come up with the certificate, and we will give you another 500 -- ignore what we just wrote, since we did -- in case you're somehow stupid enough to suddenly buy into this sh**.

 

If still after that you won't do this as we want it done, we will:

 

1.  Spank the monkey

2.  Force the diplocedent to have sex with Helen Thomas

3.  Confiscate your favorite hobby

4.  Register you as a Democrat

5.  Tell the New York Times that you're the reason Sandra Fluke needs birth control, AND

6.  We shall confiscate all of your worldly possessions into World Bank account then charge you for money laundry by the piece.

 

Oh yes...the UN says we can do that.

 

But if you forward the Certificate then we will release the diplocedent with your rapidly-fouling parcel box. Also note that we are doing this to make sure that any huge amount of monkey crapped-on money like yours that enters United States is in the form of West African francs.

 

We don't regret any inconveniences or confusion that this might have caused you. 

 

Yours Insincerely,

I.A.A REGION NO: 2 THANKS.

DOCTOR DOUGLAS H. KING DDS, with a BS in proctology

Sadly, the originating scammer DID respond to my rewrite. But he/she/it was left speechless, or couldn't read it, because it consisted only of my rewrite, with no accompanying response on his/her/their part.

I did ask them if it'd be of any help if I threw in a dozen donuts.

To date, no reply has been received.That, in and of itself, confirmed for me if nothing else already had, that there's no way they're related to cops ;-)