Sack-rilege

A local radio show host always wants his callers and interviewees to tell where they sit, before they tell where they stand.

I'm an American.  I'm a guy.  I love football.  No, not what Europe and the Middle East call 'football', aka, soccer.  I love football.  NFL.  NCAA.  High school.  I'd watch peewee football if I had a kid playing it.  I'd watch reruns of seasons-past highlights if I had cable.

So when I get a scam letter that is attempting to use a sport that's practically a diety to me -- as a lever to suck me into getting screwed over -- it fires up my ire.

Of course, the schmucks used the term 'football' when in actuality, they're talking about that other game that vuvuzelas forever nightmared in South Africa in '10.  Still...they're trying to sucker punch my wallet by sullying the word 'football'.

This will NOT stand.

Here is the heathen, cretin-ish gambit as I received it:

CHELSEA FOOTBALL CLUB AWARD DEPARTMENT PROGRAM
Head offices: Link places Stanford
Sussex BN 7DX, London.

Attention:
This is a program from Chelsea Football club London, a program to reward all Chelsea fans worldwide because of their immerse support for the club in this past few years that resulted to them winning the just concluded UEFA CHAMPIONS LEAUGUE. We source through the Internet fan club email list and conducted a draw from all e-mails register in our fan club list and
your email emerge as one of the lucky winner to be awarded the sum of FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS ( £500.000.00 ). We hope that this notice send to you via the Internet will get to you on time to claim your winnings from our authorized agent in the United Kingdom zone.

All winnings must be claimed within the specific time and you must contact your Agent in your zone in United Kingdom via the email address given to you which will enable you claim your winnings immediately.

Note that we prohibit any deduction from your claims by our agent, if you notice any deduction from your winnings do report your agent to us immediately.You are to contact your agent via his details i shall provide you below:
AGENT: MARCEL DESAILY
EMAIL: chelsea-fc2012@w.cn

Also ensure you provide him with your details as stated below:
1. Full Name:
2. Contact Address:
3. Direct Telephone Number:
4. Age:
5. Sex:
6. Marital Status:
7. Occupation:
8. Nationality:

Once again congratulations for your winnings.
Paul Derek.
Program Coordinator.
Chelsea Football Club London.

Grrrrrrrrrr.  In the immortal woids of Bugs Bunny, "Of COURSE you know, this means WAR...".  And it starts now:

From: CHELSEA FAN RIOT CLUB REPAIR DEPARTMENT PROGRAM <info@chelseafc.com>
To:
Sent: Tuesday, May 22, 2012 6:38 AM
Subject: UEFA REPAIR PROGRAM

CHELSEA FAN RIOT CLUB REPAIR DEPARTMENT PROGRAM
Head-Up-Our-Bloomin'-Arses offices: Link places Stanford
Suxsex BN 7DX, London.

Kin We 'Ave Yer Bloody Attention, Ye bleedin' wankers:
This is a program from Chelsea Fan Riot club London, a program to reward all idiot soccer fans what riot and act like those colonial Occutards across the Pond and elsewhere, because of their immense stupidity in trashing our bloody f**king stadium every bloody time we win or lose a bloomin' game there.

It's gonna take us a bloody cocked up two years to rebuild the bloody facility after we won the bleedin' UEFA CHAMPIONS REPLICA HAGGIS Trophy.  Which means that next season, we'll have to play all our bloody games at that whacking great dive of a facility, Manchester.  CRIKEY!!!

The damage you ruddy idiots caused with your bloody cock-up of a "we WON" riot will cost FIVE
MILLION POUNDS ( £5.000.000.00 ).  Do you bloody wankers realize how many of your bumf**k bums we'll have to get in paying seats to make that up?  And what the flying wog would you have done had we bloody well LOST???

Bloody idjits.  At least you left those plastic horns from Hell, vuvuzelas, back in your flops.

All damages must be paid for within the specific time and you must contact your Agent in your zone in United Kingdom via the email address given to you which will enable you to be told what your bloody share of the costs are, and how to bloody well pay them, immediately.

Note that we prohibit any debate or argument here; if you bought tickets even ONCE, you bloody well have a share in the re-bloody-pair of our facility.

You are to contact your agent via his details I shall provide you below:

AGENT: MARCEL "THE SHEEP SODOMIZER" DESAILY
EMAIL: chelsea-fc2012@w.cn

Also ensure you provide him with your perverted details as stated below:

1. Full Name:
2. Contact Address:
3. Direct Telephone Number:
4. Age When You First Had Sex With A Vuvuzela:
5. Last Time You Had Sex With Other Than A Vuvuzela:
6. Marital Status Once You Began Molesting Vuvuzelas:
7. Occupation Once You Began Perverted Sex Acts With A Vuvuzela:
8. Nationality After Your Country Of Origin Disowned You For Fornicating Vuvuzelas:

Once again, you bloomin' f**kin' wankers, congratulations for wrecking our sports facility,

Cock Lips.

Paul Derelict
Programmed To Sniff Goat Vaginas Thru A Vuvuzela,
Chelsea Fan Riot Club London

I had hoped to draw out the heretical antagonists.  But and alas, they had no answer for my re-creation of their own nonsense.

Not even one protestive vuvuzela toot.