Couldn't Read The Signs

In our last little expose into silly scambaiting-dumb, I left you with Kwesi Associate, and his desire to "buy my box". Though, when I tried to engage him on Yahoo Chat, he was most unresponsive.

He didn't stay that way, tho'. However, with what would ultimately transpire, I reckon he wished he had.

The very next day, I saw his icon lit up while checking my email, so I prodded him again:

u wat my box to cell very mush or wat?

This time, Kwesi was all over me for it, even giving me his phone number in Ghana, so I could call him and we could discuss "cell the box".

I wasn't quite sure what the gerbil snot he meant, but eventually I was able to get from his illiterate ramblings that he wanted me to give him access to my email address, including "passwold", so he could make use of it for his currently chosen trade.

Granted...he's in Ghana...and he's not the sharpest tool in the box. But the yutz could simply go to any free email provider and git hisself a box. Just like the one he writ me from.

But nawp....he wanted mine.

After an hour of increasingly desperate and silly riposte on Yahoo Chat -- his desperate, vs my silly -- Kwesi turned very surly, and began insulting me in what I gathered was his own language:

ebu mama gi gi. Ebi timtoto.

..and other such crapola.

So for about 10 minutes, we carried on like two four year olds, trying to one-up each other on the English-Ashanti insult meter. Though I guess I was quicker to pick up on, and incorporate, his Ashanti insults with my own, than he was able to incorporate, interpret, or even spell, mine. After I sent him a line, as I remember, that went something like this:

Ebu yo mama gi gi ga ga unga bunga bunnnggggaaaa, twatwaffle.

Kwesi got very pouty and fauxsinister sounding:

ok u insolt me to mach. i will get u box from u my way u see. bye bye. dont wrot me none more.

Okay, class...what effect does "dont wrot me none more", written by a scammer to me, tend to have with yours truly?

That's right...*TOING*

So the next three new email scams I received, I rewrote in honor of my pouty 'broda' (that's what he called me, before he got mad), with him as the subject line. And sent them to him and 29 more of his scamming peers and colleagues.

I won't recap all three: suffice it to say, I took a faux lottery win email, a "I'm dying and I want to give you my estate" email, and a 'we have your shipment and are waiting on you' email, which were made all about Kwesi, and how his 'thang' fell off after he got 'thang'-eating crotch crickets late in '10, due to unsavory sexual practices.

And how he wanted a new 'thang', so he wouldn't have to cross-dress with the tribe.

Just one of the rewrites will give you an ideer:

WTF??? Granted, we were waiting for you to contact us for your Confirmed Package that is registered with us for shipping to your residential location, but we were quite unprepared for what was the contents of the package. A new penis???

Are you for f***ing real???

Don't mind my asking, but what the hell were you doing that you now require a replacement penis??? Are you one of those Third World perverts from Ghana who do goat anuses and get carnivorous crotch crickets as a result? We thought the 'WANG' sticker on the box referred to replacement computer parts!!!

Anyway, if this isn't what we thought, you'd better expedite the shipping...dry ice doesn't last forever. Assuming, that is, that the shipper was smart enough to pack your replacement penis IN dry ice???

Get this..this 'thing' picked up ASAP. We don't want a wilting winkee, stinking up our facility.

Yours laughing at you,

MR. John Horton (the original scammer before the re-write of his letter)

FedUpEx Online Team MisManagement

An hour after sending that, Kwesi/Aaustaino (his Yahoo Chat ID) sent me a chat message:

u die 2nite. i kill u. u see.

Kewl...I could have two unkept promises in the same week, the other being the Rapture:

LMAO. How is a dickless eunuch from Ghana gonna kill me tonight? You make me laugh.

u die 2nite. u see u wife u kids u all die.

LMAO...how is a dickless eunuch from Ghana gonna do that? You can't even FIND Iowa on a map (the Yahoo profile on this particular email account sez my character lives in Iowa)!

i find u. u die. u see.

Well, u die of embarrassment when u get to airport in Ghana, and everyone sees you look like a Ken doll, genitally speaking! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

u stop that!!!!!

Everyone at Ghana airport point and say "Kwesi looks like Ken doll, Kwesi looks like Ken doll!" Go ahead, Kwesi...find your way past airport, dickless. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Apparently, my inner four year old won the argument. No more chat from Kwesi. And no dickless visitors that night, either. Perhaps the laughter at the airport in Ghana was too much for him ;-)