Well, Crap...

Another Saturday night and I ain't got no-body,
I had a date, but she just got rap-tured...
A Califorlornia-based evangelical -- Rev. Harold Egbert Camping -- says that, without a doubt, the Rapture will happen on May 21, 2011, about 6pm, with the 'end of days' occurring on October 21, 2011, for those left out of the 'Rapture'.

And he says that, unlike in 1994, when he says he made the same claim -- only to have a 'mathematical error' make it NOT so -- this time it's gonna happen.

And he says he has the math to prove it.

Which I have found and provided for y'all here, 'cuz I am (un)impressed with this kind of mathema-tatical calculus-ination. 'Specially from someone widda middle name of Egbert.

Not that I don't know what the Rapture is, biblically; I just know I ain't gonna git an invite. Certainly none of the scammers I've screwed with think I deserve it. Neither do some of my ex-gal pals, but I digress.

Fact is, most folks I know -- and good folks all, by my reckoning -- will probably still be around at 6:01pm Saturday, May 21, 2011. And the next day. And the next day, etc...

HOWEVER...I have been knowd to be wrong. I proved that with my March Madness picks. So, let's entertain for a moment, that something is going to happen on Saturday, May 21, 2011.

And as you'll see, Rev. Camping and a noted C&W singer of sorts from the '70s -- C. W. McCall -- kinda sorta have something in common, mathema-tatically-wise.

Here is, in brief, Camping's mathama-tatical formula, biblically endorsed he sez, to prove that May 21, 2011, is THE Rapture:

- the number 5 means "atonement"

- the number 10 means "completeness"

- the number 17 means "heaven" (I'm already lost)

- Christ was hung on a cross on April 1, 33AD

- the difference between 4-1-33 and 4-1-2011 is 1,978 years

- multiply 1978 by 365.2422 (a solar year)

- the difference between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days; add 51 to what you got in the previous calculation, and you come up with.....*drum roll* 722,500

- (5x10x17) x (5x10x17) = 722,500 OR

(atonement x completeness x heaven) squared

Thus -- according to Camping -- "five times ten times 17 is telling you a story. It's the story from the time Christ made payment for your sins until you're completely saved".

Well alrighty then. This algebraic-sorta-looking formula guarantees that the Rapture is in five days from h'yar.

You didn't hear it here first, unless you didn't hear it prior to here and now. In the latter case, where the (oops) have you been?

I was okay in math in my day. But this h'yar math, as used by this feller, kinda cornfused me. So I went home, and dug out my abacus that I use to balance my check book on. After more than an hour of trying, I couldn't get my checkbook to 'wallenda' on the danged abacus.

Truth be told, I had the same luck with Camping's cornvoluted mathamatology.

So I turned to another noted mathamatologist from my earlier years, when he was calculating rate of descent, sorta. He based his calculation on counting telephone poles, noting "I started counting telephone poles going by at rate of 4 to the 7th power. Ah put two and two together, added 12 and carried 5, and came up with 22,000 telephone poles an hour".

The formula -- and lyrics -- had more relevance about a runaway truck hitting a feed store in downtown Pagosa Springs, than about the Rapture; but perhaps you see my point, if I have one.

And I'm not sure I do.

Just for the heck of it, I asked my pet rock, Seymour about it; he told me that I was wasting my time waiting on the coming of a raptor, 'cause they're extinct and petrified.

Millions of comedic pet rocks outta work, and I have just one more.

Bottom line: if something confounding happens around 6pm your time, Saturday night, May 21, 2011...count on the fact that I ain't invited.

Which is fine, 'cuz Sunday's my day off. And like most of us, I'd hate to lose a day off.