Telephone Conversations From The Edge

All in a day, I reckon.

Fortunately, not every day is remotely close to this 'un.

I was subjected to two phone calls a few days ago. The background behind the two calls need not be discussed; indeed, having knowledge of the background that contributed to the two calls, will only serve to obfuscate the reasoning and philosophical consequences of global bovine-caused flatulence on the atmosphere in confined elevators, if such can be judged sequitur to what follows herein.

On this point I am ambivalent, and my dictionary cautiously agrees, it thinks.

I was telephonically introduced, a few days back, to a granddaughter of a living queen. Which queen is not important, especially since the caller, later on, related that she was married to one of the queen's sons, if you believe in such things. Having driven through Arkansas once, I can accept this as a possibility. I am even willing to grant such outlandish possibilities as space aliens who look like Conan O'Brien, or that Wile E. Coyote's indestructible carcass is made of kevlar.

What truly mattered about the call -- the first call -- was that the caller, who also claimed that the current president is her half-brother, demanded that I contact the Feds ASAP, and have them secure something for her that certain royalty, politicians (including a polarizing conservative politician of Northern Exposure roots), and evil persons of dubious antecedence, were using and abusing to aid terrorists and certain TV re-runs on TVLand to create wars world-wide.

Yawp. This, I was told.

This 'thing' that was to be secured had been given her by five presidents and two kings; when I dared ask the caller to name the presidents and kings -- my incredulity was not so incredded asto not want to know which elected officials might be a part of this phone prank, so I'd know who to vote for and against in '12 -- the presidents were identified by the caller as Roosevelt (which one was not specified), Eisenhower, Rockefeller, Campbell and Coolidge.

If you're a student of history as I sometimes am, you noted that the caller only got three out of five presidents right; then again, her half-brother said there were 57 states. Eh...shared genealogical discrepancies. It happens, and I digress.

As for the two kings, she quickly identified them as 'King' Faulkner and Rockefeller; kings of what and where, were not revealed. I was quick to note that the hearts, spades, clubs, diamonds and Ralph, didn't make the cut.

Fervently, the caller urged me to "get right on this for the sake of the world"; I was also repeatedly admonished that "this is not a joke".

Yawp. This, I was told.

At the conclusion of the first call -- which I managed to take with an absolute straight face, having been thrice-concussed and being able to marginally rationalize some of this hooey as worthy of a reality TV show one day -- I pledged to "look right into this and see what I could do".

Yawp. This, I responded.

With receipt of the second call -- when the caller checked back to see what I had done and accomplished -- my enthusiasm regulator was straining to squeeze what little was left from my daily reservoir of same. I expressed to the caller that I had certain reservations about the caller's credibility, and that I was reluctant to take further actions demanded by the caller, in view of my aforementioned conclusion to the caller's veracity (as determined by myself, thrice-concussed and all).

Thus, as I was finding that the caller's veracity was beneath dung beetle spit, I was not inclined -- or from any other posturepedic position -- to take further action as demanded by the caller.

That got me promptly hung up on. I wasn't sure if I was disappointed or relieved to have had my connection to The Twilight Zone ended.

But I had learned much; most of it as useful as a petrified tree in termite Hell. But that's okay; after checking my social calendar, I find that disapproval from dead termites is not on the first 750 pages of my "to be concerned about" list.

In the end, I drew the logical conclusion that full moons near holidays, and/or the presence of online email scammers, are not necessarily required for *WTF was that?* moments in life. All you need is a telephone. Any kind will do.

Oh, and lest I forget one other thing needed...to be fool enough to answer it, when you receive phone calls from the edge.