Monday, May 17, 2010

A MidWinter Night's Iaido Nightmare


*A classic from my '03 archives, and one that still gives my pet rock Seymour nightmares, even though he's in Texas*
My imaginary life is often as ludicrous as my real one.
In January, the on-line writing club I belong to sent me the following exercise: write anything you want, but it must begin with the sentence "I knew right off there was going to be real trouble this time".
The group facilitator knew this was an open door to this knucklehaid ;-)
I had just finished with one of my usual lunatic email responses to a humor column by Amy Chavez, concerning the Japanese art of Iaido: the drawing of a Japanese sword (katana), and all the related necessities to bring off a successful ceremonial and casualty-free iaido session.
*TOING*:
I knew right off there was going to be real trouble this time. And, as usual, I didn't take counsel of my fears, having bade them to go get a drink and chill out. I should have joined them.
It started when I read a recent column by an American living in Japan, Amy Chavez (Japan Lite), about the ancient Japanese art of Iaido: the proper manner of drawing a Japanese sword (katana). It included the setting up of a proper room for doing so (dojo, a special place for martial arts training), the proper attire for same (hakama, a traditional bushido garment with a skirted bottom), and the necessity of learning from a proper teacher (sensei).
But I didn't need no stinking sensei: I had Iaido For Dummies, The Video Series (patent pending litigation assessments for damage, etc). Throw it in the VCR, don the Japanese fighting dress in the privacy of my own abode (so I wouldn't have to open up some katana whupass on some cretin making fun of my chicken legs), and learn to dazzle and scare the snarf out of friends, colleagues, neighbors and Errol Flynn with my sterling, self-taught katana-manship.
So there I was, one mid-winter night's eve, poised before the TV, minding my own business and looking like a bit-playing buffoon in a Japanese 'B' movie, chicken legs and all. And then -- while doing some strange warm-up exercises and sounding (un)like Jackie Chan in a Hanes underwear commercial -- IT showed up. IT being a rather large, ungainly millar moth. It's January...it's cold and snowy outside. What in the Sam Hill Horsefeathers is this darn fool piece of cloth eatin' buggaratus doing in my abode?
Before my horrified pet rock Seymour could urge restraint, I forgot the tape playing before me, the silly attire I was in, and the weapon of choice in hand. I went after the moth with the ultimate Ginsu flyswatter/slicer-dicer: "Okay, moth-san, say yer prayers! Gyaaaa!"
I made it clear at the outset-san: no prisoners would be taken.
At the unrealized height of the frenzied melee, I seem to recall noticing a rather authoritative knocking/pounding on my door, increasing in urgency and volume: "POLICE! OPEN UP!"
It seems that during my heady pursuit of Mothra, a neighbor or two were astonished and just as horrified as Seymour, to see through my shredded blinds, "a crazed dude in a funky dress, wildly swinging a really long knife", and basically sword-o-matic-ing everything within reach, in a flurry of chopped and shredded furniture, plaster, fixtures and moth parts, thereby resulting in a frantic 911 call.
Fortunately for me, the responding officer(s) knew me, having responded to previous calls concerning my culinary (in)acumen in the kitchen, and were less nonplused by the widespread carnage in my abode, than I shortly would be. They did relieve me of the training tape, though, before departing, ignoring the cowering pet rock in the corner, under what was left of the computer desk.
But no worries: Amy doesn't send me anything further about the history and/or how-to of anything remotely bushido. Granted, she DID send me a column about the art of Japanese sumo wrestling, but apparently assumes I'm not about to don a giant thong diaper and attack my loveseat...
2009 Update: so far, I haven't ;-)
2010 Update: not yet...

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8 Comments:

Blogger Right Truth said...

Those training tapes can be dangerous to some certain types of people (hee hee).

I could have helped you on this one, hubby and I both took Isshinryu karate, which originated in Okinawa (one heart/one mind). They only have three belts, green, brown, black. Hubby was ready for his Black belt and I was finishing up my Brown belt. Don't mess with me bad guys, I can use my weapon or my Isshinryu!



introduced in 1954 by Tatsuo Shimabuku. Sensei Shimabuku Studied both the Shorin-Ryu and Goju-Ryu systems; studied Kobayashi-Ryu under Chotoku Kiyan and later under Choki Motobu. Then He studied the Bo, Sai and Tonfa under Okinawa's most noted instructors. Isshinryu is a combination of the best of these styles and weapons techniques and epitomizes the powerful, lightning-fast techniques that enabled the weaponless Okinawans to endure the rein of the Chinese empire and to defeat the sword-wielding Samurai of Japan.


For more history on Tatsuo Shimabuku and beginnings of Isshinryu Karate - click here.

Isshinryu's main goal is to perfect of oneself through physical and mental development. As students learn they acquire self-confidence, serenity, and humility. Isshinryu has many advantages over other styles such as:

* Isshinryu stresses "close-in" techniques that are more practical on the street vs. high flashy kicks for example.

* Isshinryu techniques are mostly thrown from natural stances, limiting wasted motion, maintaining stability and giving you split-second advantages over other styles;

* Isshinryu uses a "snap style" that permits you to move quickly, deliver more punches or kicks, and lead naturally into other techniques. e.g. the straight punch has no corkscrew common in other styles.

Approximately five Isshinryu punches can be thrown in the time used for one corkscrew punch. The punch also ends in and can be thrown from a middle block. For more information on the Isshinryu vertical fist and punch -

HeeYaw!

Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth

13 January, 2009 08:30  
Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahaha. I just want you to know that I got a visual reading this post. You are a hoot.

Hope your pet rock has recovered.

Have a terrific day. :)

13 January, 2009 11:58  
Blogger Serena said...

LMAO! I wish I could have seen that.:)

13 January, 2009 19:37  
Blogger Herb said...

Okay. Right at the top under the skunk logo, a little, tasteful warning about hot beverages shooting out your nose. I bet you did do the sumo thing, but you knew we'd all be throwing up on our keyboards.

13 January, 2009 20:01  
Blogger Herb said...

Now I feel like the Sedish Chef, only saying, "dork, dork, dork" because after I closed this window I discovered you did add the disclaimer. sorry.

13 January, 2009 20:03  
Blogger Right Truth said...

Reminds me of Jay Leno segments "How long will it take...", "What did you think would happen..." etc.

Debbie
Right Truth
http://www.righttruth.typepad.com

17 May, 2010 11:36  
Blogger Herb said...

Since my travels around the net are limited these days I must have missed the reason Seymour is in Texas. I read this story and I think it is as I frequently tell my kids, "Well, it COULD have happened that way..."

17 May, 2010 18:19  
Blogger Jenny said...

Thou art Samurai.

17 May, 2010 19:09  

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