Things Go Better With Coke And Spell-Check

I must say...my email scammers are getting more sophisticated and are keeping up on current events. Before long, they're gonna have ME fooled.

Take this one, mixing together a company that is world renowned, and environment, during the World Crimemate Conference in Dopenhagen.

This one's almost as smart as AlGore.

And he made a credible-looking presentation, too.

Arriving on Christmas Eve, the email was meant to look official. Sound official. And the scammer really tried HARD to make it believably official.

As I read it, I have to say, he almost had me fooled.

Then he went and screwed it up. More on that in a mo'.

Witness the following email (short enough I can quote it in its entirety, with every last professionally printed typo in place):

As part of our environmental, social responsibilty and also to celebrate the Xmas and new Year, PepsiCo, makers of Mountain Doo (bwhahahahahahahaha) have awarded you and your family the sum of $650,000 USD in this end of year regional pomo. Contact the regional manger through the official e-mail address or call the phone number provided below; just give him;

(1) Your name (how could I win if they don't know who I am?)

(2) Respidental address (I have a respidence?...Who knew?)

(3) The country you are from (can I admit that without being targetted for an IED?)

(4) Age

(5) Occupator (I think this guy's using words from the word verifiers)

(6) Martial status (I got a brown and a black belt, that I wear with matching shoes sometimes)

(8) (yes, it's really numbered that way)..Phone number

He will tell how your price can be remit to you. Note: the final date for claim of price money is 30th December 2109 (for once, I'm in no more hurry than Seymour on this 'un). Hurry now and claim your prices.

Sincerely,

Mr. Tiger Vineyard

He almost had me with this one. Right up to the name of the rep...Tiger Vineyard???

You just KNOW I had to reply to this 'un:

My Good Mr. "Vineyard",

*wink wink*...It's a pleasure to hear from you, "Mr. Vineyard"...*wink nudge*. Now I know how you're laying low, 'til the heat's off, but I digress. So, Mr. "Vineyard"...*chortle snort*...I am the winner of $650k from PepsiCo, makers of Mountain Dooo, eh? I am truly gratified, Mr. "Vineyard"...*wink guffaw*...I understand that you couldn't use the cover of representing Nike, or Cadillac, or Titleist, and still maintain your "lowered profile"...*smirk chuckle*...though, you could have, I suppose, taken up sponsorship for the Chicken Ranch in Nevada *elbow nudge*, or as a representative of the North Pole, where *ho ho ho* is a standard form of greeting that raises no eyebrows.

But really, Mr. "Vineyard"...your lowered profile is compromised by keeping your first name in play (see what I just did there?). Personally, I think it was a whorible choice from a pubic relations standpoint, if you catch the point I'm driving at. And speaking of driving, stick to golf balls, and leave the Escalades to your chauffeur. But I digress some more.

May I suggest you change that first name to Cabernet? A better nom de guerre.

But now, to your requirements. I am moved by your effort to give me the business on Christmas Eve, and my pet rock finds your offer of $650k alluring, because he's a pet rock and takes things for granite *ducking boos and throwd pebbles from Seymour*. But I must, with immense regret, politely refuse your offer.

See, I think Mountain Doo sucks. Things go better with Coke. Send me $650k from Coca Cola Co., and you'll make me an offer I can refuse, especially if your pants are down (I'm not blonde and my plumbing's wrong, you tree-nobbing horndawg).

And if my pet rock can help you with any other PR suggestions, feel free to contact Seymour again.

Sincerely,

Phuck N Witchu

You never know when or if you'll get a response to a reply like that, but I figured that this dude was so close to fooling me, he'd write back as a representative from Coca Cola Company. Alas, not:

i am not undersand you. why you not fell out applicaton? you must to get price. hurry now.

Okay, so my golf and Tiger puns were wasted, as was my hint to change companies. Dang, I hate when that happens. Now I gotta fell out applicaton. Which I let Seymour do..with my help (to protect what's left of my keyboard):

(1) Your name Seymour Stonesascammer

(2) Respidental address 69 Assteroid Crater Way, Stone Mountain, GA

(3) The country you are from one full of minerals

(4) Age approximately 3.5 billion geologic years, give or take

(5) Occupator without hands, I'm not sure how to do that, but I hear it feels good...

(6) Martial status I can break things with ease, if I fall on them...hiiiiiiiii-YAHHHHH!

(8) Phone number how can you dial it if you can't count, you snail dork?

Like I said, he almost had me fooled. Then, he read Seymour's applicaton, and responded in a manner that led me to believe that I might just be bein' scammed:

dont write me no more asshol

That would have hurt Seymour's feelings, if I'd told him about it. Seymour still thinks we're all God's children, though he mused recently that God should spend more time on spankings and time-outs.

At any rate, that scammer was good. Dang near fooled me. Good thing I'd never drink a Pepsi with Tiger Vineyard. Unless he's got a couple hot blondes along...