Seymour Valli and the (taken) Four Granites

I think I might need the services of a rock whisperer. Or an ASCAP lawyer.

The other day as I came home from work, Seymour -- my ever-inquisitive pet rock -- had a box of my old audio cassette tapes scattered all over the floor.

When I asked what this was all about, Seymour insisted that he had created lyrics to a new song that he was sure would be a huge hit, and make Seymour a rock star.

"You're already a rock, Seymour. And you were a star at the Moooo! Bar in Japan".

"But that was then; this is now" Seymour insisted.

I asked Seymour that, if he'd just created a song, why all the cassettes scattered hither and yon; he said that he was just making sure no one had "pirated" his idea.

Righhht.

Seymour asked me to transcribe his new lyrics; I blew it off and, managing to avoid crushing scattered cassettes, packed up Seymour's mess and went on about my business, much to Seymour's annoyance.

Come Tuesday morning, I about tripped over Seymour as I headed for the coffee pot. Seymour had some song lyrics he wanted me to see. Don't ask me how he wrote 'em down. Don't ask me much about what this pet rock gets into, period. I just roll widdit.

As I examined the lyrics, fresh-brewed coffee described a parabola of spray across what's left of my kitchen. When I got done sputtering and snorting, Seymour had this, "what, WHAT?" look on his mug.

"Seymour, what you've written here is a parody".

"A what???"

"A parody. You've taken the lyrics of an already-written song, and made a parody of it".

"Did not!"

"Did too".

"Did not!"

We could have kept that up all day -- Seymour's more persistent than a 4 year old -- so I dug into the box of audio cassettes, and found exactly what I was looking for.

"Seymour, you parodied this song", and pointed it out to him on the cassette directory.

"Did not!"

"Seymour, this song was recorded and released in 1962. You just brought me these lyrics".

"I had that song in my head back before 1962...I just couldn't write the lyrics before then!".

I used to be engaged, so I know what an argument like this is like.

I could tell you the song that Seymour has obviously parodied (he's in the corner yelling, "did not!"), but once you read his lyrics, I think you'll recognize it instantly:

Big squirrels

don't

fly-y-y

*they don't fly*

Big squirrels

they don't fly

*just what...would make them try*

My squirrel,

said

goodbye-ey-ey

*WTF*

My squirrel

was gonna fly

*good f***ing luck*

*Silly squirrel*

shame on you, your mama said

*Silly squirrel*

shame on you, you'll wind up half dead

*Silly squirrel*

shame on you, you'll rue the try

Big squirrels can't fly

Big squirrels

can't

fly-y-y

*a big sigh*

big squirrels

they don't fly

*flap your arms, and you'll see why*

(musical chorus, then)

*Stupid squirrel*

told you so, I told you to stop

*Stupid squirrel*

told you so, you just belly flopped

*Stupid squirrel*

told you so, but you hadda try

Big squirrels can't fly

Big squirrels

can't

fly-y-y

*they don't fly*

big squirrels

don't

fly

*dumbass..to even try*

Big squirrels

don't fly

Big squirrels

don't fly

Big squirrels

don't fly...

See the problem we have here? Seymour doesn't.

Weird Al Yankovic could probably get away with this. Not Seymour.

"Can too!"

Ugh.

Anyone want a pet rock wannabe star? I'll pay the shipping.

"Will not!"

Shut up, Seymour.