Friday, October 9, 2009

Seymour Valli and the (taken) Four Granites


I think I might need the services of a rock whisperer. Or an ASCAP lawyer.
The other day as I came home from work, Seymour -- my ever-inquisitive pet rock -- had a box of my old audio cassette tapes scattered all over the floor.
When I asked what this was all about, Seymour insisted that he had created lyrics to a new song that he was sure would be a huge hit, and make Seymour a rock star.
"You're already a rock, Seymour. And you were a star at the Moooo! Bar in Japan".
"But that was then; this is now" Seymour insisted.
I asked Seymour that, if he'd just created a song, why all the cassettes scattered hither and yon; he said that he was just making sure no one had "pirated" his idea.
Righhht.
Seymour asked me to transcribe his new lyrics; I blew it off and, managing to avoid crushing scattered cassettes, packed up Seymour's mess and went on about my business, much to Seymour's annoyance.
Come Tuesday morning, I about tripped over Seymour as I headed for the coffee pot. Seymour had some song lyrics he wanted me to see. Don't ask me how he wrote 'em down. Don't ask me much about what this pet rock gets into, period. I just roll widdit.
As I examined the lyrics, fresh-brewed coffee described a parabola of spray across what's left of my kitchen. When I got done sputtering and snorting, Seymour had this, "what, WHAT?" look on his mug.
"Seymour, what you've written here is a parody".
"A what???"
"A parody. You've taken the lyrics of an already-written song, and made a parody of it".
"Did not!"
"Did too".
"Did not!"
We could have kept that up all day -- Seymour's more persistent than a 4 year old -- so I dug into the box of audio cassettes, and found exactly what I was looking for.
"Seymour, you parodied this song", and pointed it out to him on the cassette directory.
"Did not!"
"Seymour, this song was recorded and released in 1962. You just brought me these lyrics".
"I had that song in my head back before 1962...I just couldn't write the lyrics before then!".
I used to be engaged, so I know what an argument like this is like.
I could tell you the song that Seymour has obviously parodied (he's in the corner yelling, "did not!"), but once you read his lyrics, I think you'll recognize it instantly:
Big squirrels
don't
fly-y-y
*they don't fly*
Big squirrels
they don't fly
*just what...would make them try*
My squirrel,
said
goodbye-ey-ey
*WTF*
My squirrel
was gonna fly
*good f***ing luck*
*Silly squirrel*
shame on you, your mama said
*Silly squirrel*
shame on you, you'll wind up half dead
*Silly squirrel*
shame on you, you'll rue the try
Big squirrels can't fly
Big squirrels
can't
fly-y-y
*a big sigh*
big squirrels
they don't fly
*flap your arms, and you'll see why*
(musical chorus, then)
*Stupid squirrel*
told you so, I told you to stop
*Stupid squirrel*
told you so, you just belly flopped
*Stupid squirrel*
told you so, but you hadda try
Big squirrels can't fly
Big squirrels
can't
fly-y-y
*they don't fly*
big squirrels
don't
fly
*dumbass..to even try*
Big squirrels
don't fly
Big squirrels
don't fly
Big squirrels
don't fly...
See the problem we have here? Seymour doesn't.
Weird Al Yankovic could probably get away with this. Not Seymour.
"Can too!"
Ugh.
Anyone want a pet rock wannabe star? I'll pay the shipping.
"Will not!"
Shut up, Seymour.

7 Comments:

Blogger Andy said...

Skunks, I would make some lame joke about Seymour plagarizing Paul Simon...but it would be WAY lame.

Thanks for the chuckle...

btw: What do you feed a pet rock? I'm sure that there is an obvious answer...I just can't come up with it.

09 October, 2009 07:14  
Anonymous Robert Garding said...

Thanks for the smile Skunkfeathers. There is too little of that happening in the world today. You gave us some smiles today. Thanks.

-Robert-

09 October, 2009 19:29  
Blogger A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Skunk, were you, perchance, a ventriloquist in your past life? Because friend, old Seymour is one loyal rock.

09 October, 2009 22:30  
Blogger Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, Mike...You've given us a hilarious story about your rock...and I'm "rolling"...ROFL!!!!! Seymour's a genius...you can send him to me!!! I'll put up with him...;-) And you can have visitation rights!!!! Love this post!!! I think you need to post the photo album of Seymour's trip here as well!!! Really good stuff!! I think Seymour's plagiarizing your sense of humor!!! Hugs, Janine

10 October, 2009 11:57  
Blogger ChristinaJade said...

I have a feeling that Kane the red pitbull would be terrified of Seymour, either that, or they would end up ruling the world.

Hmmmm...

10 October, 2009 19:26  
Blogger Debbie said...

"My Squirrel", what a hoot.

As I was reading that your pet rock had written lyrics to a song, I of course figured that it had to be "Rock music", hee hee

Deborah F. Hamilton
Right Truth
http://www.righttruth.typepad.com

11 October, 2009 17:30  
Blogger Monica said...

Seymour can always come stay with me...and I will be the first in line to buy his song.

Besides, have you seen Weird Al? Seymour is WAY cuter.

12 October, 2009 15:59  

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