Breakin' The Rules III

This was three days of absurdity, folks. I loved every minute of it.

Because the number of email exchanges that took place in three days exceeded my most amused expectations -- over 100 -- I will forego some of my more wisebackside analysis, and just go with the to 'n fro, as it actually happened. I'll start with my first email to Franky Drake on Monday, Labor Day. Franky's emails will be in bold; Monk's responses, in italics:

Deer Mr. Franky i am pleesed to have speeks with you. my friend you bye desk frum is happy four yore check, but we didnt not expect so much money frum you to pay. i have desk in my garage which is why my friend have you send check hear. i have never use this western union thing befour to send money, but i will cash check tuesday and will ask bank how to do this four you.

Good to know your payment was delivered to you today via courier services. please I want you to have the moving funds wired to my mover today as soon as you have the check cashed so that they will be able to facilitate the pick up arrangement. You're to deduct the Western union sending fee from the remaining fund you will be sending to my mover after you have deducted the money for the item plus the extra $50 for taking the ad down (the rest was instructions for where the wire transfer was to go).

Mr. Franky, thanks to you four this informations. pleese to know that i cannot cash the check today it is holidey and my bank is not open. but tuesday i will get to works on this.

Ok, That's good by me kindly do that immediately so that the movers could come in immediately.

(now, we jump to the morning of Tuesday, September 8, when the fun truly begins)

Mr. Franky, i have done what you have asked of me. since you know wear i live, pleese to tell your mover how to find me to give him desk.

Please could i have the mtcn information and senders name including senders address to that i may send it to the mover to facilitate the pick up of the desk.

Mr. Franky, but you have my name and wear i live. i send money as you tell me. tell yore mover to come get desk now.

GIVE ME ALL THE INFORMATION THAT WESTERN UNION GAVE TO YOU SO THAT I CAN GIVE THE MOVER THE INFORMATION BECAUSE HE WOULD NOT COME IF HE HAS NOT SEEN THE MONEY. PLEASE SEND ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO THAT I WILL CALL YOU. PLEASE SEND THE INFORMATION WESTERN UNION GAVE TO YOU.

Mr. Franky, what informations? i give them money and they send money like i ask. what information are you asking me for? i sent the money as you say to send!

HELLO, DID YOU GO TO WESTERN UNION LIKE I TOLD YOU, IF YES THEN DID THEY GIVE YOU A RECIEPT...IF SO CHECK THE RECIEPT AND SEND ME THE MTCN NUMBER; THE SENDERS NAME AND SENDERS ADDRESS, PLEASE SEND ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO THAT I CAN CALL YOU WITHOUT THESE INFORMATION MY MOVER CANNOT COME SO PLEASE GET BACK TO ME.

Franky, i go to western union like you say, and i send the money like you say. i ask the nice lady there if after she take money and give me paper, am i done now, and she say yes, so i leave. i did not keep paper she give me. i thought i was done so i throw it away. did i need that?

HELLO MONK...PLEASE GO BACK TO WESTERN UNION AND GET THE PAPER INFORMATION WITHOUT THAT INFORMATION THE MOVER CANNOT PICK UP THE MONEY GO BACK TO THE WOMAN AND GET THE INFORMATION NOW SO THAT THE MOVER CAN COME QUICKLY AND PICK UP THE MONEY. YOU NEEDED THAT PAPER....

Franky, i needed that paper? i'm sawry!!! i will go right now back to western union and see the lady i saw. she was very nice lady. i sure she help me!

GO NOW AND PICK THE INFORMATION PLEASE SO THAT MY MOVER CAN PICK THE MONEY....HURRY!!!

Franky, i'm sawry!!! the nice lady i work with was not there and the other clerk there, he was not very nice at all, he call me stupid and tell me i need papers so now he tell me come back Wednesday to see the lady who work with me because he say he too busy to help a stupid person??? i sawry i mess up...i fix it tomorrow!

ITS QUITE SAD THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED LOOK FOR WERE YOU THREW THE PAPER TAKE YOUR TIME AND LOOK FOR WERE YOU THREW IT...I AM SURPRISED.

Franky, i did not think of what you say! i will go see if i can find it right now!

YOU BETTER DO AND STOP PLAYING WITH ME MONK, I DONT LIKE THESE THINGS YOU TELLING ME. LET ME HAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER.

i am not give you my phone number. you want to yell at me. i say i sawry. i going to look for papers now.

MONK YOU GO AHEAD AND LOOK FOR THE PAPERS PLS

...and then from Franky...

Any luck with finding the paper? get back to me with the situation report.

Franky, i'm sawry but i couldnt not find the paper. the trash can i throw it in was full but i could not find the paper in there. i will have to go back to western union wedesnday to see the lady clerk who helped me. i will go when they open in the morning. i promise i will.

Plese do that first thing in the morning and lets hope for the best ok. I am sorry for sounding harsh but you have to understand my position I would be watiing for the information as soon as you get it.

And so ended Tuesday. Wednesday, it begins with an email from Franky, changing up the mover to send the Western Union to; instead of one in Littleton, CO, he switches it to a mover in Ft. Myers, Florida. Hmmmmmmmm. Anyway, he instructs Monk to take those instructions with him to Western Union. We resume:

Franky, can i do that? can she send the money to someone new, when she already sended it to someone else? i didnt not know she could do this. kewl. i will take this instrukt with me to give to the lady at western union.

ANY NEWS YET, DO YOU HAVE THE INFORMATION?

Franky, the nice lady was there that hepl me yesterday and i tell her my mistake. she very understanding and she take care of everything so it is all good now. she tell me money is delivered to your mover, so i am going to wait for them to come to pick up the desk now.

TELL THE NICE LADY TO GIVE YOU THE MTCN NUMBER SO THAT MY MOVER CAN PICK THE MONEY, THE MOVER WENT TO WESTERN UNION AND THEY REQUEST THE MTCN NUMBER WITHOUT THAT NUMBER MY MOVER CANNOT COME I TELL YOU SO MANY TIMES MY MOVER CANNOT PICK UP THE MONEY WITHOUT THAT MTCN NUMBER TELL HER YOUR MISPLACED THE PAPER AND SHE SHOULD HELP YOU GET THE MTCN FOR MY MOVER TO PICK UP THE MONEY...IF YOU DON'T DO THESE I TAKE IT THAT YOU ARE LYING TO ME...

and then, Franky follows with:

I AM BEGINING TO LOOK AT IT THAT YOU ARE LYING TO ME, YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU SEND THE MONEY AND YOU DO NOT HAVE MTCN NUMBER FOR MY MOVER. NOW I WILL MAKE THINGS EASY FOR YOU GO TO WWW.WESTERNUNION.COM AND CLICK TRACKING YOU WILL KNOW THAT I NEED THE MTCN NUMBER FOR MY MOVERS TO TRACK MONEY. IF YOU DONT GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY WITH THAT INFOMRATION I WILL TO SEE IT THAT YOU STEAL MY MONEY AND I WOULD INFORM THE AUTHORITIES OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

Franky, i dont not like it when you yell at me. i did what you say and the nice lady was very friendly and understanding. she check and say that the money i had sent had been signed for by, she assume, the mover you told me to send it to the first time. so i came home to wait for the mover to show up but he dont not show and you send me mean email. i unhappy now. i do what you tell me, but you mean to me.

MONK I AM BEGINING TO GET REALLY UPSET WITH YOU AND IF YOU DONT SEND ME THAT MTCN NUMBER I WOULD HAVE TO REPORT YOU TO THE FBI AS A FRAUDULENT PERSON. I GAVE YOU A SIMPLE INSTRUCTION WOTHOUT THE MTCN NUMBER THE MONEY CAN NOT BE PICKED UP. GET THAT MTCN NUMBER AND GET BACK TO ME SOON AS YOU HAVE DON THESE.

you stop yelling at me. i do what i told, and the lady at western union say the money i send yesterday was picked up. it was the mover you told me the first time. i did what i was told. dont you not call the police on me!

go to your yahoo messenger lets chat i would buzz you.

no...you yell at me. you apologize for yell at me. i log off until you apologize.

AS OF NOW I AM GOING TO FOWARD YOUR ADDRESS TO THE POLICE IF YOU DO NOT GIVE ME THAT MTCN NUMBER CUS THERE IS NO REASON WHY THE MONEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN PICKED UP

you a mean man...the western union lady say money is picked up. you have no right to call police.

now i am going to ask me bank to withdrew th efunds and your bank would have to call you to pay back the money if you do not give me the required information in the next six hours. i think you are a scammer.

(there was only one answer for that)

phffffffffffffffffffffft!!!

MR MONK, WHAT I NEED IS THE THAT CODE NUMBER CALLED MTCN NUMBER FOR MY MOVER TO PICK THE MONEY...PLEASE TELL THE LADY TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

you mean to me...why should i go back and ask her anything? she tell me the money was claimed. i send it to your first mover. i think you are trying to take advant of me. why you so mean?

I told you again my mover can not pick up the money without the MTCN number, so go back and collect the number from the nice lady...please.

if you not mean to me in the morning, i will go ask her. but she already tell me money picked up, so i dont not understand.

my mover told me he as not pick up the money so what are you saying monk...please go back and as the nice lady that i said she should verify the money again and give you the code that is MTCN NUMBER FOR MY MOVER TO PICK UP THE MONEY OK

only if you be nicer to me. i no like mean peoples. you be nice, i go ask her in morning.

OK MONK I WILL BE NICE TO YOU PLEASE JUST MAKE SURE YOU COLLECT THE NUMBER FOR ME TO GIVE MY MOVER TO PICK UP THE MONEY TOMORROW OK.
i go at eigt oclock to western union to talke with lady again. i hope she wont not yell at me.

And if you thought this was absolutely absurd, wait until Thursday... and Part IV.