The FBI and Me

*From my '07 and Bruno Weka archives, and my first of a dozen or so brushes widda "Feds"...snort*

*Note: Bruno, you can do better than this*

Er...no, he can't. More proof of Forrest Gump's "stupid is, as stupid does".

Even after dealing with Bruno Weka and his odious ATM scam involving a bank alleged to be in Houston, Texas (see a recent re-post), I wasn't through tweaking the poor yutz. For the next half-dozen or so scammers who wrote me, I referred them all to my "bidness partner", Bruno Weka at his email address, and even gave out the Houston phone number Bruno had referred me to (disconnected not long after I began directing scammers to call me there between 1 and 4am), as one which two other scammers needed to call "to get full cooperation for their giving me the business".

Apparently, this didn't set well with Bruno, or someone in his group.

On Wednesday, May 2, 2007, I was emailed by Themselves. Themselves as in, The FBI. Under the email heading of FBI....Stop Order, I received this notice from Themselves:

Attn.: Sir,

This is to inform you that it has come to the notice board of the Federal Bureau Investigation (FBI), That your inheritance funds *TOING* has been stopped here in United State of America, That is why we have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because the above mentioned amount is a huge amount of money, that is why we want to make sure is a clear and legal money you are about to receive.

And no, those typos aren't mine... the above paragraph is verbatim from the letter.

Are you seeing a problem here? Are you seeing a real BIG problem here? By the middle of the first paragraph, I had gone from "WTF?" to "LMAO!!!". To badly paraphrase General Patton, "Bruno....you pathetic bastard, I read your EMAIL!".

The letter went on to demand that I provide to Themselves, the FBI, "Identification documents and Certificate of Ownership", to "satify to us that the money you are about to receive is real money". It further went on to point out that "under The United States Department of Justice Order 556-73 established rules and regulations for the subject of an FBI Identification Record to obtain a copy of his or her own Record for review. The FBI's Criminal Justice Information Services Division processes these requests".

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA.

Finally, the letter concludes as follows: note: we have asked for the above documents to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for non criminal justice purposes. If you fail to provide the Documents to us, we will charge you with the FBI and take our proper action against you for not proofing to us the legitimate of the fund you are about to receive.

It concluded with a homey touch, signed "Faithfully Yours, Robert S. Mueller III, FBI Director".

*stop it, stop it, yer killin' my h'yar*

When I stopped snorting enough to not sound like a bull in heat on the telephone, I first asked my local FBI office if they'd like a copy of the email; the special agent-ette I spoke with, declined interest in it with a chuckle; she then said -- somewhat to my surprise -- that I could "tell them (the emailers) to get hosed" in a reply. Usually, law enforcement has discouraged us civilian types from having anything to do with these clowns. But, what the skunkfeathers...who am I to argue with the real FBI?

So my reply to Themselves -- the email FBI -- was next on the list:

Dear FBI/ettes:

Thank you for your stop order email. I was most intrigued by it. I was especially intrigued by how semi-illiterate it was, for something generated by the FBI. Then again, since it came from the Washington DC field office, you're all a bunch of progressive "outcome-based" educateds there anyway, so that explains why bills coming out of Congress aren't written worth a sh**, either, and I digress.

Y'know, I used to watch The FBI on TV back in the 1960s, with Ephrem Zimbalist, Jr. and company. Great show. You guys/gals always crushed crime, protected and served, and never once made fun of J. Edgar Hoover's feather boa fetish. Guess you didn't do that because he was still alive then, and might have done unspeakable things anally to your pets, eh?

As to the subject you wrote me about, I will refer you to Dr. John Word of the referenced bank in Houston, Texas; you may call and interrogate him at (the disconnected Houston phone). He can dodge and obfuscate your questions there. You can also email his partner in giving me this business, Bruno Weka at (a disconnected email addy), who can also dodge and obfuscate for you there. However, know that when you write to Bruno, he is terribly inept at using the spellcheck, and very touchy about the subject. For example, he spells "fraud" as "farud", and it takes him forever to correct it. He's a really stupid person of dubious antecedence and worse grammar; I bet his real grammar slept with guinea pigs and faruded with the worst of them, too.

On the other hand, since he writes sorta like y'all did in your stop order, perhaps you'll understand him just fine.

If you find there is anything else I can do for you on this issue, please feel free to write it up in more of your progressive, outcome-based educational prose; then print it on a legal 8 1/2x14 piece of paper, fold it once, and shove it up your ass sideways.

Respectfully, of course.

'Skunk'

To be fair, of course, I did cc a copy of this to Bruno; he might really want to look me up when this is over...

*2009 update: still no Bruno Wekas or FBIers knocking on my door...dang*