October 4, 2009 -- AAP, Washington DC
The Centers for Disease Control confirmed today, through unnamed sources, that yet another strain of influenza has surfaced in the current flu season. This new strain is reportedly exceptionally virulent, and has medical experts and the general public extremely concerned about containing it before it spreads beyond where it has already been identified to have taken hold.
Unnamed sources report that the strain -- dubbed HUA1, and nicknamed the "stupid flu" -- has reached pandumbic proportions in the Washington DC beltway, and is sweeping the halls of Congress and nearby media haunts with a strain renders those infected with symptoms that include delusion, chronic ineptness, laziness, arrogance and simpering incompetence. Worse, exposure to those so infected makes others sick, just seeing what they're doing while in session.
The CDC reports a vaccine is available, but it has been outlawed in the Beltway area -- common sense. Efforts are being made to slip in the serum, but it is being met with resistance from the White House and the leaders of Venezuela, Iran, Libya, NoKo, Berkeley and the Peoples' Repugnant of Massachusetts.
The CDC recommends a strict quarantine by the voters, to cumulate in throwing the lot of them out of Congress in November, 2010, so that the those august halls may be fumigated and purged of all possible re-infections of HUA1.
Unnamed sources also confirm that administration press secretary Baghdad Bob Gibbs is stricken with a particularly virulent case of HUA1, along with most of the operating staffs of CNN and MSNBC.
The CDC advises that the best way to avoid being infected with the HUA1 virus is to follow standard sanitation practices, avoid the DC Beltway during the current pandumbic, and avoid letting your daughters intern for David Letterman, at least until he finds and staples shut his pants.
This has been a public soivice announcement. You may return to your regular blogging.