Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Harry Potter And ... The Final Chapter?


*From my '07 archives, widda bit of '09 updating*
Perhaps.
In an interview sometime back, Harry Potter creator J. K. Rowling affirmed that there wouldn't be an eighth Harry Potter book. Yet, at the end of the interview, she coyly left open the possibility of "changing her mind".
Just like a woman, but I digress.
Let me be up front: I am not a Harry Potter junkie. I have not read one book of the series, nor seen any of the movie adaptations. Spending a youth growing up on a diet of Tom Swift, Johnny Quest and The Three Stooges, my adult mind wasn't snared by the magic and mysticism that defined Harry Potter. I mean, riding brooms might be fanciful for some -- rumored to be Hillary's mode of travel -- but it didn't tweak my thrice-concussed imagination.
Granted, having the sorcering ability to turn some muckraking, disagreeable human into a lesser life form -- ferrets, toads, rats, slugs, or Keith Olbermann -- did provide me a moment to reconsider. But just not enough to draw me into the Harry Potter orbit.
Until now, that is.
As a fellow writer -- albeit, a very untalented and unaccomplished one, compared to Rowling -- I found myself having a moment of almost compassion for her. It's got to be tough to create a multi-book series that can keep the pace of a best-selling series. Recall what happened when it was tried with Rocky, Police Academy and The Gong Show.
But Rowling pulled it off. And now, is walking away. Ya gotta wonder...is it Potter fatigue?
So, perhaps having a fresh set of eyes and unfettered mind to the project, I pondered long (about 15 minutes) what a Book 8 could look like, not only for Rowling, but for her legions of fans. To add realism and some minor degree of continuity to the project, I did a quick-study of the current books in the Harry Potter series, and used them to imagine the as-yet incomplete #7; based on that, I have drafted the denied and not yet determined to be eighth and truly final Harry Potter book, and sent it along to Rowling's agent for her comments and blessing, just in case Rowling does "change her mind".
Now I know you're dying to ask me all about it; alas, you know that I am ethically obligated to not leak aspects of this eighth and truly final chapter, in case Rowling jumps all over this marvelous and unique idea.
Then again, on the chance she royally pans it and threatens to sue the snarf outta me (which I estimate to be a 99,999 chance in 100,000), maybe I can afford to give y'all just a wee precis:
In the gripping truly final chapter, Harry and Hermione -- having watched friends and enemas turn each other into road apples and worse on their mystic journey into...well into...puberty -- have wisely opted to move onto the world of collegiate education, having come to the realization that, like Jackie Paper, "painted wings and other things, make way for other toys". And since those other toys cost moola, they are drawn to capitalist pursuits in the mainstream of capitalist society. Not as fun as turning evil cheeseballs into useless Keith Olbermanns, but much better at obtaining material items like DVDs, playstations and BMWs. Thus, they apply to the University of Colorado at Boulder, gaining immediate acceptance by using affirmative action -- listing themselves as bona fide minorities, deserving of special dispensation (aka, Wiccan offshoots with celtic-pagan proclivities and nose hairs).
Once in, Harry and Hermione can no longer deny the biological obvious, and in a spellbinding barlight scene during what they didn't realize was a football recruiting party, they wind up exploring the bounds of barley hops, Nature and a pirated Debbie Does Dallas video, dancing the horizontal mambo on a foosball table, while a pre-law intern hands out condoms and her employer's law office business cards, in anticipation of future sexual harassment opportunities (one of many plot twists that are rather non sequitur, but follow me on this).
Not wanting to give away too much of the complex, politically correct twists, turns, pelvic gyrations and leaks of grand jury testimony, let me just say that Harry goes on to beat the rap and graduates summa cum latte from the CU School of Liberal FauxJournalism; he parts ways with Hermione, whose exposure to the Women's Studies curriculum at CU, converts her into an ardent feminist and gender segregationist, seeking to forcibly relocate all non-gay American men to Mongolia, or legislatively/surgically change them into harmless gerbils through unread House bills that are longer than War and Peace and as comprehensible as a rendition of Hamlet by Ozzy Osbourne.
Meantime, Harry begins a brilliantly mundane career as a tabloid journalist for the Weakly World News, winning a prestigious PullMyFinger Award for his investigative series, The Al Qaida-Uranus Connection: A Justification For Endless UN Dialogue Leading To Another South Park Movie With Celebrity Marionettes. A series that prompts President Lynn Cheney to accidentally on purpose launch a controversial pre-emptive war on Neptune, because intelligence provided to her was no better than that of pre-war Iraq in '03, thanks to the reinstitution of the Gorelick lack-of-intelligence-sharing philosophy by the previous one-term administration of Barack Hussein Obama.
After the fallout of congressional hearings on how spells contributed nothing to sell the global warming scam, Harry is eventually released from a re-education gulag in Califorlornia, and drifts into a lurid affair with Rita Skeeter (played by what's left of Lindsay Lohan, portraying what's left of Courtney Love, portraying what's left of Peewee Herman, in the future movie version), spending his waning days pondering various and sundry questions:
-- what Hermione did with Hedwig, stuffing and mounting him after perpetual molting and unspeakable sexual acts with rodents;
-- whatever happened to Jimmy Hoffa, the Iraq WMDs, ethics in the Democratic Party, and why they bothered to make a 9th Indiana Jones movie with a wax figurine of Harrison Ford;
-- would Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger III -- a clone of the original, rumor has it, but 100% American (lab) made -- defeat President Sarah Palin Bush Reagan II (also a clone from a rival genetics lab) in the presidential primary of 2048;
-- and why Harry and friends, while at their mystic pinnacle, were never able to crack the biggest mysteries in one and a half centuries: the IRS Tax Code, and just what the hell Barney Fwank was saying about half the time. The answer to the latter lay with a linguistics study of Elmer Fudd, but I digwess.
And I'm sure you can't wait to hear the title of this sure-to-be-a-smash final chapter in the Harry Potter saga, right? Well, I really shouldn't...but what the horsefeathers: Harry Potter And The Final Straw: The Uranus Quidditch Of Byte Me.
Yeah, I know...there's really no need to thank me. Or throw things. Especially the latter.

11 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

You and I both didn't get into the Harry Potter thing. Have no interest. I do like what you've done with it though. I'll wait for the movie to come out.

Have a terrific day. :)

30 September, 2009 10:50  
Blogger The Dental Maven said...

Summa cum latte! That's genius, Skunk!!

BTW-The Maven does like the Harry Potter series.

30 September, 2009 14:06  
Blogger A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Hmm. This last one should be called "Harry Rotter" what with all of those shenanigans in it.

30 September, 2009 17:11  
Blogger Serena said...

Oh, well, I guess it was bound to happen.;)

30 September, 2009 20:18  
Blogger The Things We Carried said...

Oh my gosh, You make me laugh so hard...I can't even think of where to begin. I did appreciate the nod to Jackie Paper :). Hilarious as always. Rowling has obviously missed her muse, YOU!

30 September, 2009 21:26  
Blogger Sniffles and Smiles said...

Hello, Mike! As usual, you leave me speechless...how is it that you can weave politics in with Rowling? And never miss a beat? Your wit rivals the best of them!!! Very, very funny! Like you, I didn't find any fascination in the Potter mania...but I would truly love to see Rowling accept your book proposal ;-) ~Janine

30 September, 2009 21:45  
Blogger Debbie said...

What a post, and that picture is creepy. Harry Potter never appealed to me, but most kids do love it.

Seems the characters are getting a little too old and too gay to continue in their parts for movies, just my opinion.

Barney Fwank is good to make fun of, but he's a dangerous politician who has done much harm.

Keep up the good work, we always need a good laugh.

(p.s. Thanks for the Elmo comment at Right Truth. Those trolls can never have a decent discussion without soiling themselves.)

Deborah F. Hamilton
Right Truth
http://www.righttruth.typepad.com

01 October, 2009 08:30  
Blogger Cheffie-Mom said...

LOL!! I've never read a Harry Potter book. I'm glad I'm not the only one!!

01 October, 2009 09:34  
Blogger Mayden' s Voyage said...

Actually Harry and Hermione were never paired up romantically... just saying :)
Hugs! UPS came by to see us today!
I will be in touch soon :)

LOL- NO KIDDING...my word veri was:
"PRITISH"

01 October, 2009 20:53  
Anonymous r4i software said...

Hi,
I like this article but..
last night i went to the midnight premiere of harry potter and the half blood prince! I was honestly so disappointed! was it just me or did it seem very choppy and for some reason didn't feel like it was a harry potter movie. Don't get me wrong some of the parts in it were either really funny or somewhat scary but i really was not satisfied. I don't know, what did you think?? Am i wrong? Give me your opinions..

20 November, 2009 03:18  
Blogger Skunkfeathers said...

r4i, I haven't seen the movie. As referenced in the pre-ramble to 'the final chapter', I'm not a follower of Harry Potter. When I got the idea to do the 'final chapter', I did a quick bit of internet research, and then let my thrice-concussed imagination do the rest. I don't think Ms Rowling would approve ;)

I think taking any series past a trilogy is tough. I thought topping #3 of Indiana Jones would be near impossible; #4 didn't get it done. But that's Hollywood; take a success, and beat it to mediocrity (like James Bond, Police Academy, Rocky, Star Trek, et al).

But that's my subjective opinion; a lot of people love a series, no matter how far it goes and how lame it becomes, at least to me. A fan is a fan, and when one loves something, that love extends to cover any flaws. I still laugh at Airplane and Mars Attacks. I'm hopeless ;)

Thanks for stopping by, and happy trails!

20 November, 2009 04:58  

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