My pet rock, Seymour!
Learning recently how little one need do to be nominated for -- let alone win -- a Nobel, made Seymour all excited and expectant. After all, Seymour has long been a proponent of peace.
Well yes, he's been a proponent of that kind of "piece" as well, now that Jane and he are officially "divorced", but I digress and that's for another time.
With the recent news of the further, uh, "easing" of standards applied to Nobel Peace Prize nominations and awards, it occurred to me that now was an excellent time to step up for 2010, and get as good a nominee before the Nomination Committee as possible. So after visiting their online site and obtaining an email address, I promptly dispatched the following to The Nobel Prize Committee:
I was so moved by the continued easing of the standards in your nomination/winner selection process, that I finally must speak up and submit to you a nominee that, based on the standards of 2009, simply and logically MUST be your choice for the Peace Prize in 2010. A nominee that has made peace the very center of his entire existence. One who dreams of peace locally, regionally, nationally, globally, and even cosmically. And toward this dream, he labors as only he can, to make his dream a stellar reality in perpetuity.
From the days he learned of the true nature (and fate) of his brethren of the Persides Meteor Shower, my pet rock, Seymour, has been all about bringing divergent elements together in harmonious convergence and co-existant tranquillity. While folks flocked to the box office to watch Tea Leoni catch the ultimate wave in Deep Impact, Seymour took a harder, more far-reaching look at the relationship of Man and geology, and concluded that there simply must BE another way. After all, why should asteroids try to eradicate Man? Why should Man try to incinerate asteroids, especially with nuclear missiles? It's all about, in the words of the great philosopher of peace, Rodney King, "just getting along", isn't it?
Seymour actively seeks to protect space geology from being brutally savaged by the unforgiving upper atmosphere of Earth, and is working with the labs and other breeds at Bonco, UnInc., in designing the equivalent of an atmospheric "nerph" shield, one that will gently, harmlessly, allow errant asteroids to avoid the flaming finale of inadvertent contact; at the same time, Seymour seeks to protect a simple-minded cosmic leviathan wayfarer, peacefully meandering forever after in the ultimate nature's space walk, from being a victim of a NASA overkill. One that shatters asteroidal identities and integrity. One that tears geologic families asunder. Imagine the countless parental asteroids, floating by helplessly and witnessing their navigationally-challenged prodigies becoming searing, screaming fireballs in the atmosphere of a most unforgiving planet. Imagine the tears of anguish and the deep sense of loss experienced. All because their young 'roids aren't up to speed on the natural laws of Hawking, Einstein and AlGore.
Seymour will not rest until he has achieved peaceful co-existence here. On this, he is adamant.
Seymour is also working hard on the diplomatic front as well, since this is a particular element that you, the committee, so covets in lieu of actual results. Seymour is working not only to reverse a recent celestial wrong, one that cost a member our solar system their planetary status; but also to have officially redesignated, the planet located between Saturn and Neptune, so as to relieve not only that planet of the embarrassment of being named for an orifice, but also with an eye toward preventing a future cosmic war, and all of the associated failures that this would represent in the evolution of peace, when the planet of concern and it's aggrieved populace get word of what we have thoughtlessly called them all this time.
Granted, Seymour hasn't accomplished any of these ends as yet; but as your latest Nobel winner exemplifies, results aren't as important as lofty pronouncements and wispy sound bytes delivered via teleprompter. And I ask you, Nobel Peace Prize Committee, where can YOU, or ANYONE, find any pronouncements more lofty and noble (see what I just did there?), than those of my highlighted and very high-minded pet rock, Seymour?
I will, of course, welcome and be most gratified to receive your early affirmation to this nomination request. And I can assure you, Seymour will be most humbled and rededicated to the fulfillment of his diplomatic and peace-loving aspirations. It is, after all, clear that you value aspirations over measurable achievement in the 21st Century.
As soon as I receive the Nobel Peace Prize Nomination Committee's affirmative response to the greatest possible candidate for 2010, I will post it here. On this you may rest assured.
Yes, I know...there's a chance that Seymour will lose out to Osama bin Laden, or that peace-loving duet of Ahmadinejad and Hugo Chavez. If he does...I hope Norway likes asteroids. Seymour is rumored to have some connections.