Crabs and Credibility

Taking advantage of stupid scammers is probably against the law, somewhere.

I just don't happen to live in such a place ;-)

One of the more common scammers I see are the "help me get money" from a bank, or security company, etc. Nothing new with most of them, but I got one from a Jerre Zongo -- love the name -- that wanted more than just my help in liberating money from a dormant account in the Bank of Africa in Burkina Faso; he wanted my "expertize" in investment advice. As he said in his pitch, "I find you in internet search and believe that you have financal expertize to help me invest moneys in your country for mutual benefits".

Some Third World scamster idiot on the 'Net thinks I have financal expertize?

Bwhahahahahahahahahahahaha! Fool ain't seed my checkbook! But I digress.

So I came up with an "investment" suggestion for Mr. Jerre Zongo -- love the name -- one that I reckoned he'd either (a) blow off or (b) bite on, with more chance of (a) than (b).

Thus, I -- as Ben Dover -- sent him off this response to his inquiry:

Zonkers,

Damn! Really? You found my expertize, touted online? Wow. I thought my ex-partner Bernie Madoff...er...never mind.

At any rate, you're right...I do have financal expertize. It's a gift with me, one I am forever wondering how to unlock. But for you, I think the key is found, and the lock is ajar, which confuses folks who are too literal in their interpretive nodes during canning season.

I have the perfect investment opportunity for you, and I just know it's going to be the fiscal hit of the stimulus windfall that's the rage here! If you are truly interested, let me know, and I'll clue you in on an insider deal of a lifetime!

After a couple days, I get this:

Mr. Ben, i am interest to her more of your invest. please to tell me of.

With one of those evil *grins* of mine, I dive in wid both claws:

Zonkers, I have a controlling stake in a trial "boot camp", one that has been set up for recalcitrant individuals, where they are either made, or broken, by a boot camp-style atmosphere and rigid adherence to discipline, order, and regimentation. See, some years ago, an organization in Liechtenstein -- the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute -- was pretty successful in selecting and training talented crustaceans (usually crabs and lobsters) for roles in beer and other TV commercials. But with the advent of CGI, the market quickly dried up, and a number of these trained crustaceans found themselves out of work, with only limited restaurant opportunities to look forward to.

It beget a generation of surly, disadvantaged, filled with despair and rage crustaceans.

So I saw an opportunity here: and with friends formerly from the US Military, I have established, on a compound outside of Great Falls, Montana, the one and only Flying Penguins Crustacean Boot Camp Ranch & Rehab Center, where formerly trained and docile crustaceans -- now turned into enraged, underprivileged creatures of crabby attitudes -- are taught discipline, control, self-esteem, self-respect, and are given the opportunity to re-enter society as productive, happy crustaceans.

Or, be introduced to cocktail sauce therapy, if the standard 12 week disciplinary regimen doesn't get 'er done.

Your proposed millions as an investment shot in the king crab legs, will give us just the growth potential and capital necessary to make this ranch world renown, not only for our success stories, but for our culinary answer to those too recalcitrant to salvage.

Whaddaya think, Zonkers?

The answer back from Zongo was ineptly....priceless:

Mr. Ben, i am much the pleesed this is you to help me by your money ideas. i have not heerd of this place you say montana? i seargh intenent but cant to find a list of it. are you okay to make a profit by this i ask to know?

Ben is quick to pounce on answering to asking knowd:

Zonkers, this is an absolute no-miss proposition! If we can successfully reclamate a wayward crab or lobster, think of the future for these crustacean misfits! Mine field reclamation; construction; Olympic sports (think about ping pong and tennis); music and the arts; high tech applications! I'm telling you, Zonkers, this is BIG!

And if it isn't, I can franchise a Red Lobster restaurant out of the delinquents. Cockerspaniel crap, Zonkers, there ain't NEVER been a failed Red Lobster restaurant in these here lower 48, even in redneck, backwoods, bible-shooting, gun-thumping, sheep-molesting Montana!

How soon can you get me the first installment? We gotta move on this faster than a flatulent porcupine in a balloon arcade!

Apparently, Jerre Zongo may not be the brightest candle in his fly-infested internet cafe down yonder in the wildebeest run; but one of his handlers is a bit quicker on the uptake. After a couple more days, Ben gets this:

sir, are you have jest with me to make fun here?

Should I be hurt and genuinely wounded by such a question, my good readers? Would I -- as Ben Dover -- be that lowbrow, that thoughtless, that shallow, that mean-spirited?

Yawp (with a little help from pirated dialogue from the movie Kelly's Heroes character, Oddball):

Hey, Zonkers! What's with the negative waves, baby? That is the lousiest stinkin' awful stupid joke, and you're always pulling that lousy awful stinking stupid joke. You don't want in this thing, you don't get in this thing, I cut you out of everything. $15 million USD from a bank in Burkina Faso I can pick up almost anywhere....schmuck.

That's good for one really confused response:

you to me makes not a sense you not funy here i wish not you to email of me any more i not trust of this now ok.

Damn....lost my credibility with a scammer. Guess he won't vote for me (reference my 8/6/09 entry). You just KNOW I'll be losing sleep over that, while dreaming of screaming like a DI at a crab, demanding it drop and give me fifty.

But perhaps there'll be someone who reads this, and has the financal expertize to bring this boot camp for wayward crustaceans to pass, near Great Falls, Montana.

What'll ol' Jerre Zongo -- love that name -- have to say then, hmmm?