Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Crabs and Credibility

Taking advantage of stupid scammers is probably against the law, somewhere.
I just don't happen to live in such a place ;-)
One of the more common scammers I see are the "help me get money" from a bank, or security company, etc. Nothing new with most of them, but I got one from a Jerre Zongo -- love the name -- that wanted more than just my help in liberating money from a dormant account in the Bank of Africa in Burkina Faso; he wanted my "expertize" in investment advice. As he said in his pitch, "I find you in internet search and believe that you have financal expertize to help me invest moneys in your country for mutual benefits".
Some Third World scamster idiot on the 'Net thinks I have financal expertize?
Bwhahahahahahahahahahahaha! Fool ain't seed my checkbook! But I digress.
So I came up with an "investment" suggestion for Mr. Jerre Zongo -- love the name -- one that I reckoned he'd either (a) blow off or (b) bite on, with more chance of (a) than (b).
Thus, I -- as Ben Dover -- sent him off this response to his inquiry:
Damn! Really? You found my expertize, touted online? Wow. I thought my ex-partner Bernie mind.
At any rate, you're right...I do have financal expertize. It's a gift with me, one I am forever wondering how to unlock. But for you, I think the key is found, and the lock is ajar, which confuses folks who are too literal in their interpretive nodes during canning season.
I have the perfect investment opportunity for you, and I just know it's going to be the fiscal hit of the stimulus windfall that's the rage here! If you are truly interested, let me know, and I'll clue you in on an insider deal of a lifetime!
After a couple days, I get this:
Mr. Ben, i am interest to her more of your invest. please to tell me of.
With one of those evil *grins* of mine, I dive in wid both claws:
Zonkers, I have a controlling stake in a trial "boot camp", one that has been set up for recalcitrant individuals, where they are either made, or broken, by a boot camp-style atmosphere and rigid adherence to discipline, order, and regimentation. See, some years ago, an organization in Liechtenstein -- the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute -- was pretty successful in selecting and training talented crustaceans (usually crabs and lobsters) for roles in beer and other TV commercials. But with the advent of CGI, the market quickly dried up, and a number of these trained crustaceans found themselves out of work, with only limited restaurant opportunities to look forward to.
It beget a generation of surly, disadvantaged, filled with despair and rage crustaceans.
So I saw an opportunity here: and with friends formerly from the US Military, I have established, on a compound outside of Great Falls, Montana, the one and only Flying Penguins Crustacean Boot Camp Ranch & Rehab Center, where formerly trained and docile crustaceans -- now turned into enraged, underprivileged creatures of crabby attitudes -- are taught discipline, control, self-esteem, self-respect, and are given the opportunity to re-enter society as productive, happy crustaceans.
Or, be introduced to cocktail sauce therapy, if the standard 12 week disciplinary regimen doesn't get 'er done.
Your proposed millions as an investment shot in the king crab legs, will give us just the growth potential and capital necessary to make this ranch world renown, not only for our success stories, but for our culinary answer to those too recalcitrant to salvage.
Whaddaya think, Zonkers?
The answer back from Zongo was ineptly....priceless:
Mr. Ben, i am much the pleesed this is you to help me by your money ideas. i have not heerd of this place you say montana? i seargh intenent but cant to find a list of it. are you okay to make a profit by this i ask to know?
Ben is quick to pounce on answering to asking knowd:
Zonkers, this is an absolute no-miss proposition! If we can successfully reclamate a wayward crab or lobster, think of the future for these crustacean misfits! Mine field reclamation; construction; Olympic sports (think about ping pong and tennis); music and the arts; high tech applications! I'm telling you, Zonkers, this is BIG!
And if it isn't, I can franchise a Red Lobster restaurant out of the delinquents. Cockerspaniel crap, Zonkers, there ain't NEVER been a failed Red Lobster restaurant in these here lower 48, even in redneck, backwoods, bible-shooting, gun-thumping, sheep-molesting Montana!
How soon can you get me the first installment? We gotta move on this faster than a flatulent porcupine in a balloon arcade!
Apparently, Jerre Zongo may not be the brightest candle in his fly-infested internet cafe down yonder in the wildebeest run; but one of his handlers is a bit quicker on the uptake. After a couple more days, Ben gets this:
sir, are you have jest with me to make fun here?
Should I be hurt and genuinely wounded by such a question, my good readers? Would I -- as Ben Dover -- be that lowbrow, that thoughtless, that shallow, that mean-spirited?
Yawp (with a little help from pirated dialogue from the movie Kelly's Heroes character, Oddball):
Hey, Zonkers! What's with the negative waves, baby? That is the lousiest stinkin' awful stupid joke, and you're always pulling that lousy awful stinking stupid joke. You don't want in this thing, you don't get in this thing, I cut you out of everything. $15 million USD from a bank in Burkina Faso I can pick up almost anywhere....schmuck.
That's good for one really confused response:
you to me makes not a sense you not funy here i wish not you to email of me any more i not trust of this now ok.
Damn....lost my credibility with a scammer. Guess he won't vote for me (reference my 8/6/09 entry). You just KNOW I'll be losing sleep over that, while dreaming of screaming like a DI at a crab, demanding it drop and give me fifty.
But perhaps there'll be someone who reads this, and has the financal expertize to bring this boot camp for wayward crustaceans to pass, near Great Falls, Montana.
What'll ol' Jerre Zongo -- love that name -- have to say then, hmmm?


Blogger The Dental Maven said...

Yeah. Sure is hard to find the Montana list on the internet.

12 August, 2009 05:58  
Blogger Jack K. said...


It sure took the Zongs a long time to figure out he was on the receiving end. snerx.

I think your mention of Burkina Faso may have been the give away. chuckle.

The fact that he/she/they didn't have rats assed idea of crustaceans is a hoot too. guffaw.

You have reached a much higher level in the scam baiting world. As I think more about it, you have turned the tables on them. I thought you said you were above that sort of thing in a previous posting? Hmmm. LMAO

Keep up the good works. I appreciate your efforts to protect the rest of us.

Go get 'em, skunkman.

12 August, 2009 06:16  
Blogger Herb said...

Sir, you made fun of him here. I would infest with your idea, but I have never had crustaceans and wouldn't knowd what to do if I did. Plus, is Great Falls a good source of them?

12 August, 2009 08:13  
Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahaha. You crack me up. I just love how you play with these fools. I really do.

Have a terrific day. :)

12 August, 2009 12:35  
Blogger Debbie said...

I like his name too, but I love that first image. I can just imagine taking it and photo-shopping it to replace the spider's head with Obamas.

Deborah F. Hamilton
Right Truth

12 August, 2009 19:47  
Blogger Cheffie-Mom said...

You could definitely write a book!

enJOY your day!

13 August, 2009 10:46  
Blogger Sniffles and Smiles said...

Hi, Mike!! So nice to hear from you...I have a confession to make...I've been lurking...and I want you to know that I really appreciated your previous post...about credibility! (I bookmarked it so I could make comment when I returned, but your visit gives me the excuse to stop by and tell you that I really loved that one!) And of course, you carried this post off with your usual panache! About my return to blogging? Well, I've a number of things to clear off my plate, yet...but when they are taken care of, I hope to return...AND I hope that will be soon...I'm eager to come back...just need to carve out the time, and have so much going on...But when I return, you'll hear from me! Watch my right sidebar...I may put up a counter once I decide upon a return date :-) Take care, my dear friend! Thanks again for stopping by!!! Cheers!!! Janine

13 August, 2009 19:51  
Blogger A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Oh, Skunk! Despair not. I'll invest in your crustacean rehab center. Those poor abandoned crustacea have always held a tender spot in my heart.

14 August, 2009 23:34  
Blogger Pixster said...

I diagree with Jerre Zongo- I find this truly funny! ;)

15 August, 2009 08:42  
Blogger Skunkfeathers said...

With such encouraging comments, and with visions of happily rehabbed crustaceans, marching arm in claw in happy unison, to a happier future*, I am sure that at some point, Jerre Zongo will get on board ;-)

* unknowingly to a Red Lobster near someone ;-)

16 August, 2009 04:45  

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