He No Like This Joke

*An unexpected two parter from my scambaiting archives, and a minature classic*

I have had that affect on some people as you blog readers know, shore 'nuff.

Take for instance my latest email scamster of funny bone dysfunction: Bruno Weka (bruno_weka@yahoo.co.uk). He sent me one of those ATM card scams, where I'd provide him with all the necessary information, then get in touch with his 'banker', who'd inform me of the fees I would need to pay to obtain an ATM card to access a fund left behind in the National Westminster Bank PLC, Suite 6070, Texas Commerce Tower, 600 Travis Street, Houston TX 77002.

Fancy that; a Nigerian with Texican connections. And he -- Weka -- purported himself to represent the Chairman, Anti-Fraud Department, Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Righhhhht.

The amusing thing about this was the initial email header that led it all off: ANTI FARUD DEPARTMENT...(PAYMENT ON HOLD)!!!

And it 'twas from there that I began right off to annoy Mr. Weka:

Dear Bruno:

What's an anti-farud department?

Skunk

Yep; I was 'Skunk'. It didn't matter to Bruno; a day later, his reply came with the same header (ANTI FARUD), even though he attempted to clarify what he was:

Dear Sir:

We are Anti Fraud Deparment. Not anti-farud department. 1 have sent you mail through our offical emial address instructing you on what to do. Please comply for effective transfer of your funds. Keep me posted.

Bruno Weka

Since he was making it so easy to do -- typos up the bunghole -- I decided to stick with the typo theme:

Dear Bruno Weaka:

If you are an anti fraud deparment, then why is your email headed anti-farud department? And are you a deparment or a department? And since when did '1' replace 'I'? Words mean things. Please explain.

After an intervening weekend, Bruno still hasn't fixed the email header, but attempts to ignore my nitpickiness and get right to the point:

Dear Skunk *TOING*,

We have received your mail debunking the cliams of fund transfer by an unknown person. Thanks for letting us know about this. Now, all you have to do is go right ahead and contact Mr. Collins Hammer, the Director; Foreign Operations Department at tel 1-713-481-5223 (wahl shazzam, a Houston area code, and a number I had a lot of fun with later..). File in to secure the release of your funds forthwith. please co-operate stricly with the company's norms to avoid mistakes and delayed transfer. Better still, if you will prefer a diplomatic courier company delivery of your funds to your doorstep, that can be arranged. Do let us know. If you prefer banking transfer, then contact Mr. Collins Hammer with above information. Always keep me posted with events as they progress.

Bruno Weka

Since he tried to ignore my follow-up nitpicking, I treat it like an itch I can't scratch, and keep pickin' at it:

Bruno:

I never sent a debunkment letter to you at the anti-farud deparment in Lagos. Now I am really confused. What is this fund you say I'm debunking? Please explain.

Skunk

Bruno is starting to get just a tad perturbed, and -- still using the same email header -- picks up on my nitpicking:

Sir,

It could have been a typographical erro. Simply pay attention to the instructs and follow them please. Our time is to precious waste.

Bruno

I really hate to tell him this but...nah, I really don't hate to tell him this, and nah, our time isn't that precious, as I waste tons of time with these yo-yos:

Bruno:

It could have been a typo? Three times? And what's an erro? Good gawd man, if you want to give me the business, please spell check first and THEN send me what it is you wish me to do. I am easily distracted by typographies.

Skunk

He still hasn't corrected the header on his next, and is a tad more testy in response:

Skunk,

1 want to believe 1 have been directed on what to do...go right ahead and do it, now. Stop all these, lest we think you are not the bonafide owner of the sad funds. Thank you.

Bruno

I wait a day, and then I tell him what's really sad about this:

Brunoid,

"I" wish to believe 1 have been directed on what to do? My oh my...you speak in code? But, you -- aka, "1" -- are right: 1 should stop all these, lest you think 1 am not the bonerfried owner of the sad funds.

So Bruno, of the anti-farud deparment, 1 will commit no more erro here, and am ready for you to give me the business. So give it to me. Gimme dat ting, gimme dat, gimme gimme dat, gimme dat farud ting! Send me my cash. I will accept a check, but prefer cash.

Skunk

1..er..I almost thought he'd of picked up on the fact he was going nowhere with this, but a couple days later, I get Bruno's response, and with a changed email header:

Header: CONTACT INFO

CONTACT DR. JOHN WORD (what happened to Collins Hammer, I wunner?) FOR MORE INFORMATION: 1-713-481-5223 OR FAX 1-309-416-9632

EMAIL INFOR@NATWESTBANKPLC.ORG

Beats me where area code 309 is, but 1...er...I decide to reward Bruno (sorta) for changing the email header, as well as going right to contacting his newest best business bud:

Bruno:

At last! Thank you for clarifying the "anti-farud", finally! It is so much easier for me to grasp now. And thank you for giving me a contact whom which can continue your effort to give me this business. I shall use this opportunity of this email to establish contact with Dr. John Word at the provided address.

Dr. Word, I am directed to you by Bruno Weka's anti-farud deparment regarding a fund and an ATM card to access it. What can you tell me of this, and what is it you require of me, besides better typing than Bruno's?

Skunk

After waiting a couple of days with no response, I prod Bruno:

Bruno:

I write to the bank just like you say. The bank doesn't write back. Is this Dr. Word without any?

Are you playing me here, Bruno?

I await your explain.

Skunk

Two days later, still no reply. So I prod Bruno again:

Hey, Bruno!

Whazzamata U? Cat got your keyboard? No response to my inquiry? What about your bank? Hello??? Is there anyone intelligent out there?

You're excused from responding to that one, Bruno.

Skunk

That 'un finally produces a reply the next day, but Bruno only types a header, no text. His header: I DON'T LIKE THIS JOKE.

Awwwwww...he no find me funny. Bruno, you have company out there.

But I'm not done widdem:

Bruno, bud:

What joke? You wrote to me with this offer to give ME the business, representing yourself as the chairman of the anti-farud deparment, remember?

Oh, how soon you forget!

Now, as to jokes...I got a millyun of 'em. For instance: what do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah Witness? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason!!!!!! Mwhahhahahahahahahaha....I kill me! I'll bet you wish you could, too!

But back to bidness, Bruno...whatever happened with your banker bud you told me to contact? Hmmmm? Could it be that YOU were the one joking here, Bruno?

Skunk

That didn't prod him to reply. So I tried another approach: I sent him tweaks and jokes from this and four other email accounts, generally with the same theme: a really bad joke and a "wazzamatta, Bruno?" message.

That did it; from another of my email accounts came this from the now thoroughly annoyed Bruno:

Hey friend,

give me a break!!! I need it, don't I??? (that's debatable)

And live the wrong spelling "anti-farud deparment" alone. we all stand corrected, got that? (touchy, touchy...and now he takes a counter shot) I see you are jobleess, you have nothing good doing with your time.go get a job. and live me the f*** alone!!!

(that's the potty-mouthed pot calling the kettle black...and finally, he ends on what I suppose was meant to be a threat) Hey, I will be in Texas by next month. would you wanna see me?

Bruno

Poke a stick enough times into a hornets' nest, one is bound to get a reply. So I stuck it in there again, from all five accounts. Each answer was a bit different, so I'll go with the one I sent him from the account he responded to:

Hey "friend",

Do you really NEED a break? You aren't working THAT HARD...if at all.

And friend...you haven't yet "got that". You did it again: "and live the wrong spelling.." should be "and LEAVE the wrong spelling...". Your problem, Mr. Spellcheck, is that you don't. Not once. Ever. You stand corrected with each email. Bad scammer! Bad! Bad, bad!

As for my job, Brunoid, it leaves me a plethora of time to craft calculated responses to morons like you. It's no trouble, really. In fact, you should be in my debt, what with the spelling lessons I've given you the past two weeks.

As for your promise/threat to visit me in Texas, Bruno...do you mean it? You'll really come look me up? You promise? Please do. Oh please oh please oh PUH-LEASE, look me up! You will allow me to answer a hypothesis I came up with when I received your first reply to my first reply to your first message: if you really do come look me up, it'll prove to me that you really are as STUPID as your emails suggested you are.

Please, Bruno...look me up!

Skunk

While there's been no reply so far, I must tell you that 419 scambaiters consider a 'threat' email to be something of a trophy. Hooha!