Gawddammit!

finding myself at a loss for a reply to the latest email scam from wherever -- one claiming to be from the UK, yet sent from an email address of info_services1@bellsouth.net -- I pondered long and hard about what to do with it. It was another in those long lines of lotto scams, wherein "my email" was a winner.

Santa's too busy now, what with crunch time near upon; and even his most acid-tongued, recalcitrant of elves is too busy to give it a rapier-like reply. And it's too soon for me to bring back the deceased U. R. Phulovit.

So I cast about for someone else to come up with something caustically amusing to use in reply to these total ass-wipes.

*TOING*

Let the National Lottery, PO BOX 1010, Liverpool, L70 1NL, United Kingdom, learn first-email what it's like to deal with the one, the only Eric Cartman* of South Park fame.

Here's what the self-absorbed Mr. Cartman returned in place of a winner's application and testimonial:

Dear Mr. Smith and his bitch slut Mercy,

My email address won the National Lottery? Sweeet. That's totally kewl, dude. More presents for me, nothing more for you guys, nothing more for you guys....I was, of course, referring to my less-gifted friends, Kyle and Stan. Sucks to be them right now.

I wish to thank everyone who made this possible, with me being the most important on that list. Of course, I recognize that since I'm only 8, you think you can play this totally gay and suck ass scam on me, because you think I'm as stupid as Butters and Pip. Or maybe it's because you think I'm supposed to believe in miracles, like that animated talking turd, Mr. Hanky, that my Jewish friend Kyle bought into with a little Metamucil in his kibbutz 'n matzo balls.

I bet you're probably involved in killing Kenny, you bastards, even though his family's poor and they keep producing new Kennys like rabbits, like all stupid people on welfare.

I see that I have to fill out an application to get what you say I won; I wish you would deliver it to me in person, so I could teach you to respect my AUTHORITAH you wimpy buttlickers, and I could kick you squah in the balls. But since you won't, I'll just fill out your totally suck ass application, which is longer than my ass is wide, at least according to that total wad, Stan:

1. Full Name: Eric Cartman, Esquirah

2. Nationality: What the hell does my gawdamn nationality got to do with anything, assholes? What do you think I am, Jewish or Ethiallenian?

3. Age: 8, but I'm big-boned for my age. No, gawddamit, I'm big-boned, not fat!

4. Sex: are you crazy? I said I'm 8, buttwipe!

5. Marital Status: Hey! I said I'm 8, you son of a bitch!

6. Contact Address: That's more like it! 1017 Main Street, South Park Colorado

7. Telephone: 970-555-4377; call before 7pm, or my crackwhore mom will be on the phone.

8. Occupation: I'm totally occupied with 4th grade, growing into my big-boned body, and solving world hunger and politics, you dumb ass! Refer to #5.

9. Brief description of individual: I'm told I look like Brad Pitt, but more buff, dude. Totally.

10. Winning Email Address: cowfethers@yahoo.com

11. Winning Number: Gawdammit, you're supposed to know that! Read your own email you lazy sons of bitches!

12. Total Amount Won: Screw you guys, and refer to #11.

The reply ended with a typical Cartman flourish: "Screw you guys...I'm going home. You go yehah...and I'll go yehah".

I'm not sure what'll come first, if either: a tart reply from the lotto scammers, or a threat to sue me from Parker/Stone.

Whatever if any does, film at 11.

* or at least, my very piss poor imitation of Cartman, at any rate...