Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Something Different

Wunst in a while, something a little different comes along amidst the email scam letters. It's probably still a scam letter, but it's different, and it needs a different approach.

And I'm just the difference to approach it.

One early morning, as I was sipping my first cuppa pure 100% Columbian coffee, I check the email account that usually contains a smattering of email scams just waiting for my pleasure.

This morning, it had one that was something different.

The title header was Hello, I Want To Know You!

And "she" went by the name of Valyusha (

Hi, Gentleman!

I am young and attractive woman and I believe I deserve for happiness as any human being. What do you think is the most important in this life? I believe you'll agree with me that LOVE is what we all are looking for.....

I am eager to make my man happy, I am longing for the cozy evenings together where we cuddle on the sofa and whisper tender words...

I have a lot of interests in life like reading, cooking, associating with friends, ripping off rich old men (okay, I inserted that) visiting new places and learn everything new.

If you are looking for the same things, I hope you answer my letter.


Have a nice day!


Wahl, ain't that nice? Valyusha wants me.


Along with the picture (above right), I sent "Valyusha" the reply of her dreams (the kind nightmares should be made of):


Ya shouldn't do thangs like that ta me first thang in the mornin', hon. 'Fore ah could git down my first dose of prune juice, ah read yore sexy wurds an' my false teeth fell out, causin' me a stain on both sides of my Depends.

Heckfeathers, dahlin', ah'm jest an' aging countree bumpkin widda little money from my revenooer-dodgin' days. But iffen yall want me ta speak them thar sweet nuthins in yore pert lil' ear, ah kin do that. It might come mixed widda bit of drool, but what's a lil' spit swappin' betwixt lovers, eh baby?

Who's yore granddaddy, yowzuh....oops, spit mah teeth agin. Hate when that happens.

Ah even writ a love sawng fer lil' tight-assed you, Valyusha:

Uh...honey ya KNOWWWWWWWWWW what ah like!

Chantilly lace an' a purdy face

widda a set of jugs, standin' up

a giggle in the talk and a wiggle in the ass

makes mah thang go up up... (dadgum this hyar rymin' crap)

There ain't nuthin' in the world like a big butt girl

who makes me act real funny

makes me buy Viagra

makes my bowels get loose

like a bad grass goose

oh Valyusha

that's a WHAT AH LICKS!


Ah caint wait fer ta hear more a what yall wanna do to this hyar feller, Valyusha. Yall write back now, yhear?

Bet she don't ;-)

(Note: it's been more than 7 days; she didn't)


Blogger Miss Cellania said...

Without that last line inserted, I would have bet against you. Last time I was at the INS office, I waited behind a guy who seemed about 60 with his new Russian bride, who looked about 16.

15 November, 2006 07:42  
Anonymous Stacy said...

I, too, figured you'd hear from her till I read the last line. One foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel is probably a high ranking quality in a mate for someone like her.

Maybe I should hire you to deal with the nice people that keep sending me emails through my Avon site telling me they want to order huge quantities of various items. Bet you could have some fun with that.

15 November, 2006 08:55  
Blogger Monica said...

Hmmm,I dimly remember reading a comment some months back from someone asking you to put a warning on your posts for us coffee-drinkers? I needed that this time.

Tell Valyusha to quit complaining, you never flirt with any of us like that. (Of course, come to think of it, that might be a good thing.)

15 November, 2006 09:36  
Blogger phoenix said...

Heh... You should write for some of the singers out there these days. At least you came close ;-)

15 November, 2006 10:40  
Blogger Ms. Vickie said...

Coffee-drinkers be damned I just needed those depends you mentioned because I laughed until I well
almost but then I only -----cried. :)

I'm with Monica, you need to give us some warnings.

15 November, 2006 14:34  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But...but...but I can’t imagine that vamp, Valyuser, being dissatisfied with such a manly mug; you certainly have all five -make that six- of us females, swooning over it; and that insightful rendition of Chantilly Lace, sigh.

16 November, 2006 11:20  
Blogger Karen said...

She sounds like a lovely woman, too bad her webpage didn't come up (at least for me).

I'm still cracking up over your letter to her; so sincere... the prune juice and viagra were a nice touch. How could a girl resist something like that? After all, the gentleman deserves love too.

17 November, 2006 18:33  

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