A Rumor of Zen Christianity

When most folks are sought out for help, their response tends to vary by (a) the circumstances (b) the seeker (c) their knowledge of the seeker (d) their cultural upbringing (e) their faith (f) a combination thereof and/or (g) what they can expect in return.

And then there are those greedy, mean-spirited conservative types, who callously reject the request, especially from a stranger. Some will even sink so low as to make light of the request.

*TOING*

Judge for yourself the following request for help I received late last week (titled Urgent Assistance Needed Now), followed by the quality/generosity of my response (in italics).

"Dear Friend:

I hope you are my friend. I am contacting you in regards to a business transfer of a huge sum of money from a deceased account. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make anyone apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. I decided to contact you due to the urgency of the transaction. PROPOSITION; I discovered an abandoned sum of $9 M (Nine Million US Dollards) in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family In an airplane accident. Since his death, none of his next-of-kin or relations has come forward to lay claims to this money as the heir. We cannot release the fund from his account unless somoene applies for claim as the next-of-kin to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines.

I now seek your permission with urgency to have youstand as a next of kin to the deceased as all documentations will be carefully worked out by me concerning the funds to be released in your favour as the beneficiary's next of kin. It may interest you to note that I have secured from the probate an order of madamus to locate any of the ceased beneficiaries. Please acknowledge receipt of this message in acceptance of this mutual business endeavour by furnishing me with the following:

Your Full Names and Addresses.
Direct Telephone and Fax Numbers
Bank Name, Address and Account Numbers where you will secure the funds upon release
Your Passport as verification and for use in documentation

These requirements will enable us to file a letter of claim to the appropriate departments for necessary approvals in your favour before the transfer can be made. I shall compensate you with 35% on final conclusion of this project.

My means of living, and that of my family, are distressed; I reach out to you as a person of faith, a good Christian, and one that believes in helping those in need. My children cry at night by their hunger; my wife lays awake at night, worried at our economy problem. You have the way to make this all better for the children. Being a good Christian, I know you like children. It is not possible otherwise.

If this proposal is acceptable to you, do not take undue advantage of the trust I have bestowed in you. I await your urgent reply.

Regards,

Dr. Wongo Ndielem
Bills & Exchange Manager
Bank of Africa (BOA)
Burkina Faso, West Africa

Moving, eh? Now to my reply:

*in assumed position to aaaaummmmmmmmmmmmmm*

Dear Wombat Dildo: I am truly...and I sincerely mean TRULY...gratified that your cosmic karma has provided for a cornfluence with my comic karma in a moment of Gorkus** proportions, enabling you to offer to give me this business you so fervently seek to give me. You are, of course, right: I am a Christian. I like children. Sometimes sauteed, but I digress.

That you have secured a writ of madamus is entirely non descriptis extookum falangork fandango partem poof; that's Liechtenstein legalese for "very good". It shows you are a man with a plan.

Alas, some comic karmic cornfluences do not arrive in fashions that play well in Paris, let alone in a timely manure, having themselves been duped with a cheap copy Rolex. My long-dead zen philosopher Pharto once imparted (along with a powerful onion flatus that destroyed a well-manicured row of hibiscus) this snippet of finite wisdom: a danish with no holes could be a Belgian with a geographic shift; a donut with no holes isn't necessarily a danish, but cannot be construed as a duck if not quacking. But a danish or a donut with coffee can be eaten. Aaummmmmmmmmmm.

Pharto also said for you to get off your lazy, chicaneresque ass, and go get a real job; and that goes for your sit-on-her-fat-ass-watching-Maury wife, and your in-training-gangbanger rugrats, too.

Pharto was all knowing and all seeing, y'see.

I wish you peace and severe gastrointestinal flatus, Wombat Dildo, in your search for the more perfect dupe.

Dr. U. R. Phulovit, pUd

You wouldn't expect that heartless reply, that sheer act of inhumanity and rudeness on my part would endear me to Sally Struthers, Walter Coppage, or UNICEF, right? But it did draw me a sharp rebuke from Wombat Dildo:

PHULOVIT: why you insult me you are no Christian. People like you make people suffer. Die.

Guess he told me.

At any rate, at my great arraignment in the afterlife, God -- whatever I hold Him to be, since I'm no Christian according to Wombat Dildo -- may well hold me to account for this.

Hope He has a better sense of humor than Wombat did.