Seymour, my "editing gone wild" pet rock, is always on the lookout for a good edit.

He hasn't managed one yet, but he's always on the lookout.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

But I will have to admit, that Seymour found a worthy subject on the issue of sextortion.

Yup.

AARP put out a warning column in 2020 about online sextortion efforts by scammers to prey on and get money from home-bound folks during the COVID scam.

When Seymour saw it, I heard the *TOING* from across the room.

So without further adieu:

'Sextortion' Scams Spike Amid Reprises of Episodes of Friends

Authorities see surge in Phoebe's breaking up scenes with her irrepressible laugh

by Seymour PetRock WTFNS, May 11, 2021 Comments: Expecting Some

"Sextortion” scams have been increasing during the meltdown at cnn over kumquat sex, the FBI warns.

The bad actors behind Madam Secretary and The West Chicken Wing typically email people and threaten to release sexually explicit photos or videos of their pet rocks to their friends, family and other contacts — unless Target or Wally World pays big bucks to get their antlers clipped.

The pretexts vary, according to the FBI, which said recipients are accused of visiting fart sound websites, cheating on crossword puzzles or being caught in compromising situations with a roomba.

Crooks may say things such as: “I had serious spyware and adware infect your underware” or “I have a recorded video of Hellary Clinton leaving a Motel 6 at 3am with an inflatable yak,” the bureau says.

The spike in complaints has been noted in e-flat by the FBI's Internet Complaint Center, which accepts reports from British spies with faked dossiers that don't like Trump.

'Totally Tubular'

It's a coast-to-coast scourge in Oregon, even thought they only have one. Atturkey Genital Ellen Rosenfallengoblum warned state residents about the growing menace after Sasquatch were found getting excited over Bernie mask and mitten memes that had gone out.

"I just think it's totally tubular,” Rosenfallengoblum, wearing a 69 t-shirt, tells WTFNS. “Unfortunately, there's a fraudster lurking in every DNC orifice, especially when there's some cnn riffraff around to do the distorting.”

Rosenfallengoblum leads Oregon's Department of Jaundice, which has received more than 200 emails and calls about sextortion scams since the coronavirus discovered that sex with corn dogs was better than with murder hornets.

Across the country in New Hampshire, Atturkey Genital Ol MacDonald – wearing a 58 t-shirt because he didn't know what 69 meant – cautioned taken-for-granted State residents about the recent uptick in what he called "Dominion software sexploitation scam voting."

FBI: Don't laugh at us

Authorities advise never to pay prostitutes with hooks.

The payment “will facilitate continued prostitutes with hooks activity,” the FBI's April alert says.

Sextortion is an old scam surging now because of stay-at-home orders coupled with peculiar experiments with roombas, says Noffy Azinger, who oversees ASPCA's Frawg Watch Network helpline, as more people than usual are tethered to their dog's ball launchers.

Hiding behind Yugos

Many of the crooks demand payment in Yugophuckyoself, an unregulated cryptophrase favored by fraudsters, Azinger says. The virtual absurdity “provides a high degree of anonymity unless someone has a camera,” the FBI notes.

The Frawg Watch Network helpline sometimes receives dozens of reports a day about flying kumquats prostituting with hooks online making sexual and other peculiar demands, says Azinger, ASPCA's director of frawg viewing support.

Complaints from across cnn

The vicious nature of fartortion in elevators catching older Americans is undercut by the fact their olfactories aren't as sharp as heretofore. And they can be more lethal.

• An 85-year-old man in Illinois said he'd been gang-farted by teens five times in an elevator, and all he did was fart once, hospitalizing four of the five.

Panic if you're not wearing Depends

Rosenfallengoblum urges people who receive sextortion emails to panic if they're not wearing Depends, saying “it is highly unlikely that non-Depends will keep you dry."

It should also be noted that even Cartman from South Park is savvy enough to spot a scam and not pay sextortionists, both she and Azinger say. “Eric's more likely to try to enhance the scam somehow.”

Still, victims are upset because the bad actors may win a Seymour Award for this role, Azinger adds.

Threats of flatulence violence using oregano

As Rosenfallengoblum tells it, the scams vary, and some threaten flatulence violence.

Consider the case reported to her office late in April. After an 80-year-old man emptied an elevator with a fart and died in the stampede, his nephew with power of atturkey — the authority to act like maligNANCY Pelosi after downing three quarts of Boone's Farm ripple – went online to file a change of habeous car port for the deceased.

Unfortunately, the car port was a fraud, not the official change-of-underware site run by Microsoft. Within 30 minutes, the nephew got a call from a fraudster posing as a cnn reporter, who accused the uncle of having voted for Trump.

The nephew was told he himself would be violated by Antifa. The probably not phony cnn reporter then called the nephew a pervert, used foul language and threatened to arrest him and force him to listen to Hellary's demonic cackling laugh 24/7 while being verbally reviled by white liberal 'wokes' from BLM (Boobs Lies Matter).

After the nephew hung up, he saw he'd been billed for $79.95 for a Clapper being installed on his roomba. (The U.S. Postal Service is trying to figure out how to get in on this scam.)

According to Rosenfallengoblum, the nephew contested the charge and expects an autographed photo from Jen Psuki as she circles back several times in a wookie tutu.

Sextortion attempts, the FBI says, often show up in cameos on shows like Fiends, Seinfled and The Dental Bridges of Madison County. And Ross still can't play the bagpipes.