Seymour On The Roman Empire

Seymour, the all-knowing pet rock, came to me with the most ludicrous of ideas.

"Is NOT!!!"

Seymour wanted to have me tell all of you good readers and Seymour-the-pet-rock fans, that he has some very astute and practically unheard-before complaints about a time in human history that was, in many ways, seminal to the growth and evolution of what we know of today in our forms of government, justice, politics, education, arts, entertainment and culture.

I told him that most folks aren't interested in his opinion of the very irreverent Comedy Central hit, South Park.

"Not THAT!!!"

Seymour was also not amused by my using the picture above, as an illustration for his subject of discussion. A man-bunny with a silly looking moustache, and a dog what looks very embarrassed to be in the same photo as the man-bunny of very dubious history. But I digress.

As you all know, Seymour the pet rock has been around a long time. A very looooonnnng time. Like, from the Beginning.

As such, Seymour has been witness to more history than is recorded. Certainly he has seen his share of pre-human history. To hear tell it, Seymour was once a kidney stone to a triciploplotz. "Was NOT!!!"

He mighta been.

At any rate, Seymour was there for the entirety of one of the most pivotal epochs in human history: the Roman Empire. From approximately 753 BC -- the founding of Rome -- to sometime in the sixth century AD, when pressures from within and without eventually brought a practical end to what had been a ranking world power, controlling much of the Mediterranean, and well into northern and eastern Europe, for hundreds of years.

Seymour freely acknowledges the contributions the Romans made to human history. And Seymour freely acknowledges the contributions the Romans made to today's world. Seymour once served as a paperweight for Polybius. Livy. Sallust. Cato the Elder. Cicero. And a chariot wheel chock for Sulla.

I can't write what Seymour has to say about Sulla.

But for all that the world -- and certainly the western world -- has gained from the ancient Romans, Seymour remains critical of the Roman Empire.

And it's not just because that on more than one occasion, Seymour found himself as ballast in a few Roman naval vessels, called quinquereme, which is Latin for "a big boat with oars and rocks in the bottom", or being used as a weapon by Roman legionnaires against a host of different adversaries, from Carthaginian heavy infantrymen, to wild Gallic and Germanic tribesmen who caked their hair in clay, wore little more than paint, and smelled (badly) of sauer kraut and improperly-aged lager.

Granted, Seymour was not much amused by moments like those.

But what Seymour found dubious..inexplicable...incomprehensible..and totally unforgiveable, was the complete lack of creativity by a supposedly mighty and advanced empire, as the Romans were reputed to have been.

Apparently Seymour wasn't impressed with aquiducts, reservoirs, coliseums, calendars, roads, written alphabets, books, contributions to the sciences, the arts, technology, education, astronomy, and the foundations of modern day legal and political philosophies.

"Oh, phfffft...just incidentals!"

No..what Seymour is critical of the Romans of is what they didn't do:

- for the hundreds of years of their ascendance, and at the apex of their power and creativity, not one Roman created, nor franchised, a pizza restaurant chain. Little Caesar's didn't come along until the 1970s or so!

Seymour has this "WTF?" look over that.

- and even more important: with all the migrations, invasions, et al taking place along pretty much the same routes, decade after decade, century after century, why didn't one Roman with more than four brain cells, envision the obvious and build a chain of 7-11 convenience stores? What with all those hungry, thirsty, weary migrants and invading armies, what 7-11 franchisee wouldn't have prospered?

You just know that Hannibal would have had to of stopped off at one for a slurpee, in advance of Cannae. And don't forget that Hannibal had 40,000 or so men along for the ride, with double that number of Romans awaiting them.

Did one Roman think to seize upon this economic goldmine of an opportunity?

"Phfffft! Not a one!"

Obviously, the idea of a 7-11 being pillaged by a horde of Vandals, never crossed Seymour's mind.

- and finally, to Seymour's supreme annoyance with that epoch, not one single solitary Roman entrepreneur ever bothered to come up with the idea of a chinese restaurant that took telephone orders and did delivery.

I did try to point out that telephones, and the technology for them, did not exist in the Roman Empire, nor for about 1100 years afterward.

"Phfffft...if they were so smart, why didn't they just invent them themselves? Hmmmm???"

So I tried to point out to a very obstinate Seymour that even had the Romans somehow figured out a very rudimentary telephonic communication system, I did not believe that the Romans ever ventured far enough eastward to meet and pick the brains of an early chinese restauranteur.

"They could have looked them up in the phone book!!! They had books, right? They knew what books were, right? They coulda looked them up IN A PHONE BOOK, COULDN'T THEY? HUH??? COULDN'T THEY???"

Those of you with kids can appreciate where I was getting with this discussion. It just became easier to make notes and give you what Seymour wanted.

And now, you get the picture: Seymour didn't like the Roman Empire. Because they didn't have, or deliver, pizza and egg rolls.

"PHFFFFFFT on them!"

Perhaps Seymour will favor us with his views and lengthy list of grievances with the Jurassic Period, when I am sure that, at one point or another, he was a kidney stone to a triciploplotz.

"Was NOT!!!"