Seymour on Sucks

My pet rock, Seymour, announced via email that he had an important announcement to make, and asked that he be allowed to make it h'yar.

A disclaimer will follow*.

"Will NOT!!!"

And with no further adieu**, take it away Seymour:

I am here to announce that after extensive studies of the subject material herein, I am here to present my findings to the internet world, so as to be included in this year's Nobel Peace Prize nominations for scientific research for the betterment of something, somehow, in some fashion. I mean, the president won one for doing nothing...

My research has led me to conclude, with out hesitation or mental reservation, that it sucks to be an anaconda.

Why, might you ask? Allow me the pleasure of elucidation, which I am assured will not violate the new energy CFL laws pertaining not whatsoever hereto that what's herein***.

Anacondas can't:

- play an oboe or a tuba

- eat peanut butter and laugh at the same time

- milk a chicken...(..uh...)

- date Sandra Bullock

- operate a TV/DVD remote control

- call to order Chinese derivery

- figure out place bet odds on craps

- understand one word of what Cartman says on South Park

- vote****

- get an MBA or PhD

- text

- get their genitals pierced

- program an ipod

- get a medicinal marijuana prescription

- walk their daughters down the aisle at a wedding...(my note: "DUH")

- ride a horse

- play an accordian...(and why would they WANT to?)

- throw a touchdown pass (there are some who argue that makes anacondas on par with Tim Tebow)

- become a lawyer, doctor, police officer, fireman or gynecologist

- dunk a basketball

- count to five

- pick their nose

- use a vibrator

- compete on Dancing With The Stars

- give a sh** about Dancing With The Stars

- learn proper tea etiquette

- light their own farts...(deterioration was inevitable and began several "can't"s ago)

- redefine what "is" is

- eat Debbie Wasserman-Schultz..(maybe a little steak sauce would help..? Okay, a few hundred gallons of it)

- slither after ingesting Viagra...(I think they'd find it hard to do much of anything..*ducking boos and whatever Seymour can find to throw*)

- talk 2012 politics on The Factor

- win a marathon...(unless they compete with a python..*ducking more boos and whatever's left for Seymour to throw*)

- shop online

- beat the pepper spray-wielding shopper to the Wii in Walmart on Black Friday

- drive a cat nuts with a laser pointer

- explain Rachel Maddow

- host a debate any better or worse than Donald Trump

- balance a budget, either

* Disclaimer: the so-called 'research' reported herein has not been independently verified by the NEA, FAA, WPA, NRA, NPR, UN, or any other acronym. However, most of it AlGore claims to have invented after Tipper took him to the divorce court cleaners. Seymour the pet rock is not a trade mark, but I'd consider a quart of ice cream in exchange for him ("Will NOT!!"). This blog post only happened because your regular host had a writer's block.

** Gesundheit

*** Seymour tells me that he's studying to be a congressrock to decompose legislation, legal-style...looks like he wrote NobamaScare...("Did NOT!!")

**** except in Chicago, San Freakcisco, or parts of NYC and Wisconsin, where anything is allowed to register and vote repeatedly