Santa Claus Re-writing Your Scams

My pet rock, Seymour, lurves this time of year. Because he thinks he's been good enough to acquire significant largess from The Jolly Big Guy.

I addressed pet rock delusions a few years back. 'Nuff said.

In honor of December, and the major holiday that is sometimes...okay, oft-times forgotten for the religious significance it's meant to reflect -- especially when you're engaged in mortal combat inside of a Walmart -- I decided to recruit hisself for some help in recrafting email scams.

Yes, I 'hired' Santa Claus.

I know...he's supposed to be busier than a three peckered goat in a ewe propagation clinic this time of year. But with the proper incentives*, he was willing to lend me a touch of his creative license.

And one particularly bad-attituded elf with a vituperative pen and wit.

At any rate, I got an email from an improbably named scammer, Zaytuna Owocomes, asking me "with tears in his eyes" to help him out with his dead parent's inheritance.

I turned this one over to the Santa/Raging Elf Syllable Syndicate, and this is the rather...uh...unique result that went back to Zaytuna and 24 of his friends and peers:

Ho Ho Ho,

We'll get around to the innuendo there later. And trust me, that is not meant as an Italian suppository, unless you're Italian and into that kind of thing.

I am writing you with tears in my eyes because I am laughing my jolly fat ass off. Here I am, in my busy season, and what some yutz described me as being "busier than a three peckered goat in a ewe propagation clinic", and THEN has the NERVE to ask me to help rewrite a letter, well...I had to find time for it.

So here's the rewrite...why would you think that I would want an ATM card, an inheritance from some mythical corpse, an online job, or to convince me that I won an online lottery -- when I can't even get a winning raffle ticket in the annual elf "slap and tickle" party raffle -- is simply beyond my jolly fat ass to contemplate.

But it's obvious to me that you need some help. Yes, you do. My spell check found 30 typos and grammatical errors in your email, for starters. Had you devoted some time to basic education, you could have been on par with a class of 2nd graders in Georgia, rather than on par with a senior class of "valleydicktoreeans" out of the DC public skools. I won't get into your habit of sodomizing domestic animals behind the termite mounds just now, but before you act shocked that I know, let's remember who I am.

To business. You will wonder how I got your contact. If you remember who I am, and know a few songs about me, you f***ing already know that. I'm Santa Claus, and my intel service puts Mossad to shame. I even get dishonorable mention on Attackwatch.com! I know you and all about you. I know what you've done this year, how bad you've been, and how unlucrative your bad has been.

But Santa isn't without feeling or compassion.

And to prove it, I am writing to tell you that you need to write to Zaytuna Owocomes, from the Ivory Coast. His late parents left him a huge investment in meerkat compost, and he wants to share it with all of you.

He wrote and told me so.

He also wants to sodomize your domestic animals, have you pay for his breast implants, and pay to help turn him surgically into an inflatable sex toy.

Oh...*perusing the fine print*...guess I wasn't supposed to let you in on that part of his fantasy.

Anyway, I want you all to write to Zaytuna Owocomes at owocomez89@msn.com and help this poor lad realize his fondest hopes and dreams this Yule time. Make sure you tell absolutely EVERYONE YOU KNOW about Zaytuna and his email address. Public restroom walls are great for this. In your case, carving the info into the giant tree you use for a dunny will work as well.
You can also sign up for Zaytuna's email scam list, and for the first 100 to do so, you'll receive a free 8x10 print of Zaytuna Owocomes, sodomizing a goat, with his personal autograph (on the photo, not the goat). Please send him your personal information so he can send you the picture.

And I can promise you, the joy of the smile of delight that you will put on Zaytuna's pockmarked face will be something that is guaranteed to sink a thousand ships and cause thousands of botox treatments of the rich and famous to fail simultaneously.

Now to my opening reference...Lindsay Lohan, I seed your Playboy stuff. HO HO HO...WHOZ YER DADDY!!! I'm not, but I'll play one for the night ;-) I'm up on my shots. But I digress.

On behalf of Zaytuna Owocomes at owocomez89@msn.com

Santa Claus

I hope that makes for an enjoyable avalanche of emails for good ol' Zaytuna. Really.

* a box of chocolate petit fours and a poo catcher to protect him from reindeer 'games' and blowbacks during "The Ride"

Maybe Home Depot has coupons for poo catchers ;-)