Dear Skunky -- VI

My friend at the Denver Better Business Bureau strikes again.

Or one of her cohorts has. Either way, she sent along another email scam that her network passed along to her. And I can see why she passed this along with such obvious glee: this one is titled ARE YOU ALIVE/DEAD?

She knows that I have played, with past scammers, as the completely deceased Jerome "Curly" Howard of the Three Stooges. And this email scam is tailor-made for Curly. Here 'tis:

From: Mr. Charles Roberts

Federal Ministry of Finance

5th Floor, Annex 3, New Federal Secretariat Complex

Shehu Shagari Way, Central Area

Abuja Nigeria

Email - mychamberx02@yahoo.dk

Tel: 234-1-8539399

PLEASE CONFIRM THE CHANGES IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT

Attention beneficiary, my name is Charles Roberts I'm the personal secretary to the newly appointed Minister of Finance I'm directed to contact you and the Ministry to urgently confirm from you if actually you know one Peter Woo who claimed to be your Business Associate/Partner in Africa.

The said Mr. Peter is now claiming to us that you are dead and that he will like to make a change in your payment informations to his name as the new bona fide beneficiary of the said fund (uh, WHAT said fund?).

This development is coming now that the Ministry want to offset all out-standing payments to all our legal foreign beneficiaries arround the world and your payment file was affected. The said Mr. Peter Lun Woo is claiming to us that you were dead (yeah, I got that the first time) and you have instructed him to make a change of ownership to these funds before your death.

As the original account informations where the said approved sum should be remitted into (what he said) you are urgently requested to contact this office through this email address mychamberx02@yahoo.dk or phone tel 234-1-8539399, as soon as you received this message to as to know the true position of things. Your swift response will help things much.

Alive or dead? Mr. Peter Lun Woo? The swift response from a dead guy "will help things much"?Since he wants a response from a dead guy, let's give him one. Enter, grave stage left, Curly:

My good Mr. Charles Roberts, personal secretary to the Federal Minister of Finance, Government of Nigeria,

I am in receipt of your email regarding the claim by Mr. Peter Lun Woo, to be my business partner in Africa, and his claim that I am dead, and therefore he is entitled to my accounts therefrom.

In part, he is correct: I have the honor to be Jerome C. "Curly" Howard. I am, in fact, dead. I died on January 18, 1952. My earthly remains are interred at the Home of Peace Memorial Park, 4334 Whittier Blvd., Los Angeles CA 90023. I will even attach a photo of my plot location and headstone for your edification.

I am sure you ask, "if you are dead, how are you responding to this email?". Simple: because you asked me to.

Of course, there's more: during my ears of peaceful repose, a series of fiber optic communication lines were run through the park, one of which came into close proximity to my digs. Through the wonders of ITC -- instrumental transcommunication -- and the considerable work of gifted colleagues at the Timestream Astral Research Center, located on Marduk in the Third Astral Plane, a method of communication with the physical world has been opened, and has been in operation since the late 1960s. It is still an imperfect science, as I am not always able to respond to each and every email that finds its way to me; but with the obvious importance of this communication, my colleagues at Timestream made it priority that I respond to you.

As one might gather, money is like so much wall paper on the Third Astral Plane; it has no practical meaning or use here. I have it decorating my walls; I use it for toilet paper. Unless the concept of toilet paper is foreign to you, I think you get the picture. If it is, then think tree bark. I wish to provide a context you can grasp.

So I say to you, Mr. Charles Roberts, that Mr. Peter Lun Woo is absolutely correct when he writes to you and claims that I am dead. I am. Dead as a can of corned beef. And it don't get much deader than that, I assure you.

However, I never knew a Peter Lun Woo when I was alive, and his claim that he is my business partner is a wagonload of wildebeest sh**. But if you want to give him the money he claims, by all means...give it to him. With my compliments.

If I can be of further assistance, feel free to email me here. Buried in astral endeavors as I am, I'm not going anywhere for a few millennia.

Sincerely,
J. C. Howard

Most times, an email like that goes unanswered. This ain't one of them, to my delight:

J. C. Howard, you not funny. Dead is not funny This business serious and you make jest of it. Answer serious or leave us alone!

Whaddaya mean, I'm...er...Curly ain't funny? He was an absolute hoot! "Answer serious or leave us alone"? Why soitenly! So goes this reply:

Not funny? I'm not funny? Why, I'll show you! A skeleton clatters into a local bar and orders a beer and a mop....nyuk nyuk nyuk! See that? *bonk* Ow! Nyuk nyuk! What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant passing gas? A saloon is a bar room, and an elephant passing gas is BARRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM! Nyuk nyuk nyuk...I'm killing me here! Stop it, stop it....oh wait...that's me. I even do impersonations...here's my impersonation of a wolf...*whistle*...hiya, babe! *slap* Ow! You know I quit my job at the bakery...(she asks why)...oh, I got sick of the dough, and thought I'd go on the loaf...*sound of her slapping me*

Now I ask ya...what's not funny about that? Dead can be funny! But so can the living. I mean, how's this grab you: a live guy writes to a dead guy, asking him if he's dead or alive! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! And when the dead guy answers him, the live guy tells the dead guy to not jest and be serious! Don't that make the live guy look like a bonehead?

I got a million of 'em, Chuck, a million of 'em. But I'll share 'em with you later; right now, Moe's coming to straighten another chisel on my head. Seems that's where he always bends them, too. Woob-woo-wooo-wooo!

As of now, that got no reply. Apparently, Chuck doesn't like being made jest of by a dead comedian who can jest circles around him. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.