Thursday, November 29, 2007

A Politically Correct Christmas

From the archives...

*Note: I ran this on the blog in '05, and it drew heat from 'Tom', who demanded proof that Christians were being denied their Christmas celebrations and symbols (read the paper, Tom); and his gal pal, 'Michelle', whose marginal contribution was the following comment: "public nativity scenes make me want to hurl"*.
In honor of them and their peers (or to piss 'em off, either way), I repost the following:
That festive, overly-commercialized time known as Christmas is nearly upon us once more. A time of mistletoe. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Sleighbells. Colorful lights and decorative trees. Run amok credit card debt and shopping mall riots.
Ah, Christmas time.
Fortunately, the holiday has more traditional meanings for the majority of us, from family and religious aspects. But there is a very vocal minority, for varied reasons and ideologies, who strongly to hysterically disagree, and seek court-ordered means to bend the majority to the tyranny of the raucous minority. Among their well-worn and shoddy arguments include multiculturalism, discrimination and political correctness, among other silly things.

So as we stand on the cusp of yet another Christmas season -- and the ACLU is ramping up to represent the downtrodden squeaky-wheel minority against public displays of Christmas -- I thought I'd bury my tongue firmly in my cheek, and explore what Christmas would become if delivered through the legal system into the hands of the minority "progressive" culture, for the "good" of the rest of us:
- first and foremost, references to "Christmas" would have to end, since it infers 'Christianity', and God knows we can't have that (pun intended). Verbal greetings like "Merry Christmas!" would be severely punished by the PC Police, be it in schools or in public places. Perhaps even in homes, since such corruptive expressions by parents to their easily-impressionable young 'uns would make classroom indoctrination a bit more difficult for the teacher's union, and might be defined as 'child abuse' by Moron.arg's tort division.
- References to the North Pole would be eliminated, as any specific geographical reference that left out any other geographical reference wouldn't be fair, unless it somehow resembled something for the Islamofascists; the ACLU would be okay with that.
- holiday decorative symbolism could only be displayed if there was no possibility of even one person being offended by the intended symbolism. The same would extend to holiday carolling in public or where it might waft from a public venue to a private auditory domain; so too, with holiday plays and shows, wherein script writing would have to be approved by a multicultural committee of societial sensitivitists, to assure not one untoward reference is made to offend anyone (I think I saw this masterfully parodied on South Park).
- Santa Claus -- if allowed to retain that name -- would have to become gender neutral, color neutral, behavior neutral (some folks are offended by the jolly), appearance neutral, and activity neutral (things like "he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake", suggest privacy violations to some and subjective unfairness to others). In other words, he could do absolutely nothing even remotely considered detrimental to the self-esteem and victimization movements. Thus, he'd have to retire (be expunged from the public memory).
- mistletoe would be outlawed, as it promotes sexism (though it might depend in lib circles on what constitutes 'sex', right Bill?).
- The use of reindeer to power the sleigh would have to be halted, in the interests of PETA; whatever alternate power was used to run the sleigh would have to be deemed 'environmentally-friendly' by Al Gore and his carbon-offsets/global warming scam crowd; and the sleigh would have to be jammed with all the latest in safety and noise-abatement features, going through a dizzying array of pre-flight inspections by OSHA, FAA, EPA, DOT, and any other agency with the remotest claim of concern as to how the sleigh is designed, built, used, and operated. By the time all of the safety and environmental gewgaws were jammed in there, there'd be no room for anything else, but that's for later.
- Pre-flight comprehensive flight plans would have to be filed with each respective municipality, along with requisite landing permits issued where such is planned (ie., aerial distribution is prohibited for a plethora of reasons). Roof top landings would have to be cleared after years of environmental impact studies, in case there's a rare or as-yet undiscovered shingle microbe that might be endangered in the process.
- As for gift distribution -- if allowed at all -- it would have to be supported by a 24/7 accessible 800 number with online links, so that anyone who feels shorted, slighted, unsatisfied or undergifted, is quickly and immediately compensated so that not one person has their feelings hurt by not getting "what they deserve", whatever that is.
- Failure to abide by each and every dictate herein (and a multitude more that the ambulance-chasers would not hesitate to interpret or make up) would result in the persondated (more of that gender sensitivity) commencement of litigatory relief for the aggrieved party/parties, against any and all persons not politically, religiously, morally, et cetra-ly conducting themselves accordingly (ie., bowing to the squeaky, tyrannical minority, and selling out their family traditions for some wispy notion of multicultural purism, which is anything but).
Granted, this is a very tongue-in-cheek, poking-fun-at example of full, politically correct control over society for its own good. One that would prove a windfall for liberal control freaks and their lower-than-snake-spit lawyers. Fortunately, it is nothing more than an example in extremis, and meant to poke some politically incorrect fun at an intolerant, hypocritical segment of society that wishes just now to impose the Fairness Doctrine on this blog.
*Uh oh, Michelle must a seed another Nativity scene...she's over in the bushes, hurling*

But I digress.

At any rate, Christmas -- at least for now -- remains that which we, individually and collectively, remember it as, and make it in our lives. As you enjoy the holiday with family and friends -- or join Michelle in the bushes -- take a moment to remember the deeper, more significant things that Christmas has meant down the centuries, and enjoy a heart-felt "Merry Christmas" amongst you and yours.

Shucks, you might even extend the goodwill to a politically correct activist or lower-than-snake-spit lawyer you might know. By all means -- though it might send them to join Michelle in the bushes -- don't forget to wish them not only a Merry Christmas, but something useful this Yule season: a life.

After all, having the same chance of becoming a human being as a sperm does (about 1 in 100,000,000 or so), you might say that some of those folks need all the help they can get.

Merry Christmas -- no offense intended*

* though if any taken, widdit, putz.


Anonymous Tis I..Jon D said...

Hmmmm....finally something we can agree on.

29 November, 2007 08:57  
Blogger Skunkfeathers said...

LOL...the Apocalypse must be on the horizon ;)

29 November, 2007 09:34  
Anonymous jon d said...

Must be...Hell has frozen over.

29 November, 2007 11:10  
Blogger Herb said...

It's strange that you mention the ACLU suing because of one person as that is what they basically did to those evil, war-mongering Boy Scouts up in Cambridge, MA. It's sad and twisted that the minority (and a really minor minority at that) rules our democracy. Oh well, I'm still saying Merry Christmas.

30 November, 2007 04:00  
Blogger Skunkfeathers said...

Herb: so am I, regardless of the ACLU or any other irrelevant (to me) minority's "offense" at hearing it.

30 November, 2007 09:35  
Blogger Debbie said...

Merry Christmas! Of course kids are the ones being hurt by the crazies out there. Telling them things like Santa and the reindeer will drown if they don't use eco-friendly light bulbs and the polar ice cap melts. Poor kids. Can't have a good Christmas with nice memories like we had.

Right Truth

30 November, 2007 12:35  
Blogger deni said...

It makes me want to put up a huge brightly lit (about 5,000 of those big gaudy lights) sign that says Merry Christmas and a huge Nativity Set on my lawn.

As for the minority who want to take Christ out of Christmas, 'they can go peel me a grape.'

01 December, 2007 07:55  
Blogger Little Lamb said...

I say Merry Christmas. I don't care who I offend by saying that.

I get offended when people say Happy Holiday! What holiday are you referring to?

21 December, 2007 04:43  

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