Dear Skunky -- III

Helping scammers get over delusions -- one delusion at a time -- this is the calling that Dear Skunky lives for.

That, along with a little sex, football, and good Chinese delivery. Not necessarily in that order, though it should be.


But back to the higher calling: I received the following from gudt Komrade Mrs. Larisa Sosnitskaya, personal secretary to some Slavic schmuck of dubious antecedence and current gulag address, as I was able to easily infer from her effort to give me the business-ski:


Important business proposal


Dear Friend,


My name is Mrs. Larisa Sosnitskaya, personal secretary to Mr. Boris Mikhail Khordorkovsky, the arrested Chairman/ceo of Yukos oil and bank Menatep SPB Russia, who is presently in jail. I have the documents of a large amount of funds which he handed over to me before he detained and has been sentenced to jail for not paying taxes and financing political parties (the union of right forces, lead by Mr. Boris Nemtsov and Yabloko, a liberal/social democratic party led by Gregor Yavlinsky) opposed to the government of Mr. Vladimir Putin, the president thereby leading to the freezing his assets and finances (and anything else in Siberia this time of year, eh? My bad for the aside, and she continues-ski).


After searching through the books of your country?s chambers of commerce and industries here in Russia I am contacting you to assist me to re-profile this fund and equally invest this fund in your country. the total amount of these funds to be re-profiled is forty six million dollars and you will be getting 20% for your assistance (awwwww, shucks....I'm flattered as possum borsch..).


I shall furnish you with necessary information and my identifications as soon I receive your acceptance which should be sent to my email box: mlariskaya65@yahoo.pl


Guess it was growing up at the time I did, and reading all these Boris names from Russia, that somehow got me to thinking about one of the 'dynamic duos' of my youth, who successfully combatted the 'Evil Empire' with all the dumb, stumbling luck of Inspector....Chief Inspector Clouseau. And that would have been none other than those intellectual midgets of the animated screen, Rocky and Bullwinkle.


Needless to say, the tone of Dear Skunky on this one was set therefrom:


My Dear Mrs. Sosnitwitkayaborisbadenovski,


I have read your offer to give me the business with great interest, with an eye toward careful analysis of your childhood and the obvious trauma you exude therefrom. And I find that I believe I can help you in ways you'd not remotely considered heretofore or an hour either side of it.

You see, I have another friend who, like you, believes that she too worked as a secretary for a once world-renown duo of animated malevolent antecedence. She referred to them affectionately as "Dahlingk and Fearless Leader", and was constantly trying to help them lure a pair of happy-go-lucky Western capitalists of equally animated antecedence into some of the most nefarious pitfalls that a western "Moose and Squirrel" could possibly have befall them within a 30 minute time-slot, despite having to share time with Sherman and Peabody, and Fractured Fairy Tales. But since "Moose and Squirrel" were graduates of Whatsamatta U -- despite their almost falling into the various and sundry pitfalls strewn in their path by Boris & Co. -- they always managed to be one step ahead of the the KGB's animated finest.

I finally convinced her -- after a trip to the taxidermist -- that Rocky and Bullwinkle were in the Animation Cemetery for Cartoon Characters, and that Boris and her own personal alter igor, Natasha, had been imprisoned for life on a gulag for the crime of "being bested by Western Capitalist Animated Animals".

She's okay now, and works as a scatologist for Lawrence Delivermore Waste Treatment & Fertilizer in Wang Ho, Texas.

I have another friend who, after being hit in the head with a disorderly conduit, believed himself to be Sir Osiss of DaLivah, and directly related to the Duke Duke Duke of Earle. When I began counseling him, he had a throne installed in his water closet, a royal sceptre replacing the toilet paper dispenser roller, referred to his pet fish as "my royal subjugateds", and regularly "executed" various and sundry vegetables with his culinary guillotine for the least transgression of veganism, a heathen practice in his royal estimation.

He's okay now, and the throne has been donated to Crapper House, an in/out treatment center for bowel infractions.

So, my dear Larisa with a last name replete with irritable vowel syndrome, I know that I can help you get over this delusion that you were once a secretary to a mythical Commie oil kingpin, now playing Misty for Bubbaski in Lefortovo Prison. Yes, I can do this, Larisa, because (a) it's what I do, (b) you have a pretty-sounding name, despite the fact you're probably 400 lbs and pull the communal plow on your collective farmski, and (c) it is most obvious to me that your poorly-written, badly thought-up, plagiarized scam letter is indicative of your borsch-for-brains approach to this kind of thing, which literally screams for help.

When can I schedule you for your first appointment?

Sincerely and dasvadanya,
Dear Skunky
Online Scambaiting Advice Columnist

Sadly, Larisa chose not to avail herself of the competent and calming ministrations of Dear Skunky. She's probably still trying to figure out who the hecky darn pooski Fearless Leader is.