Going "Tofar"

Uh.....yawp.

With the dearth of chaseable storms so far this June, I find I need to fill my free time somehow. One bad habit costs too much to indulge in, so I find myself falling back on another bad habit that costs me only time.

Responding to email scamsters. Chasing storms is safer I'm told, but if ya ain't got 'em, ya ain't got 'em.

Granted, little has changed in their efforts to give me the business, save for I'm not always so ready to drag out a good scam over a month or more; sometimes, it's best to ladle so much responding absurity right up front, that the scammer is left with that *duck hit over the head look*, cyberly speaking, and seeks less-educated, more gullible pastures elsewhere.

Take for example this sampling: with an email header of PLEASE HELP MY FAMILY (A CRY FOR HELP) I received the following from the improbably-named scammer of the moment, Tofar Mustapher:

Strictly Confidental

Compliments of the day to you and your family.I am writing to you with much respect and honor to this letter, wich must remain private and confidental. I know my proposal will come to you as a surprise (yeah, right...*yawn*) since you do not precisely know me. Anyway, mind accepted you and I believe that this proposal will bring mutual benefit for both of us.

Let me use this medium to introduce myself to you. I am Mr. Tofar Mustapher, the son of Alhaji Usman Mustapher, the former chairman of Diamond National Mining Cooperation and once the Director of Works and Housing before his untimely death. My Father associated himself with coup plotters that ousted the government of Ahmed Tijan Kabbah on the 25th of May 1997 and was executed including ten (10) others.

As a result of his executed death and uncontrollable war in my country, Sierre Leone, my mother and I decided to seek asylum in South Africa where my Father had deposited US31.5M (THIRTY ONE Million five hundred thousand United States Dollars) for us. We now want to use this money for investment in your country since we do not have anyone to assist us. Therefore, I am asking your urgen assistance to forward this money into your country using very confidental and reliable means (*snicker laugh titter ROAR*) in which I will offer you 40% of the total amount for your king assistance (I've been called a "royal pain" before, but I've never had anyone ask for my "king assistance").

However, this money is safely kept in a Security Company (TOING) before my father death under disguise as precious items and nobody has any slight knowledge of what is inside the box deposited with the Company (other than the how many ever others you've sent this scam to as well...nyuk nyuk). In other words, there is no risk involved (TOING) and so not hesittate to ask questions where necessary. All documents cover the deposition of the money with the Security company are intact with me. For more information, call me on confidental number 27-73-307-22-72 (er...well it WAS confidental...*grin*) or through email at tofarmustapher12@hotmail.com to provide you with detailed information on how the transfer of this fund can made to your country. Please me with your private telephone and fax numbers for easy and confidental communication.

Bless you,

Mr. Tofar Mustapher

Hooha.

Having been appealed to in such a manure, I was torn between (a) dragging out his illusion that I was a bigger sucker than he would be and (b) putting him out of my misery in short order.

I opted for (b). Witness the following response:

Tofar:

I am in receipt of your effort to give me the business via your "cry for hep" for your famdamily. Having been raised a Christian at the switch of the "do as I say" branch of the divinity disciplines so forcefully applied to my backside now and agin, I can say that I hear your cry for what it is, and having been so raised, will respond.

Being a wealthy philanderer..thropist of some notoriety in the social/cultural circles in bucolic Liechtenstein -- I am the CEO of the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute -- I sought out my financial analyst, and we brainstormed about your predicament. Granted, the forecast came up drought, but I kept going back to memories of childhood deprivation, my Christian upbringing, and that willowy switch, and I just knowd I had to overcome the opposition from my financial advisor. Yes, he opposed my allowing you to give me this business. He's an improbable and ruthless Teutonic character named Baron Otto Von Dildo Insertinpuss, and a real stickler for the improprieties.

He "got bad vibes" from your request, and felt that your request was singularly and fiscally insupportable, whereas I took the pluralistic view that brought us to colliding consensus of the obfuscatory kind. The bottom line, Tofar, is that I feel I won over my skeptical financial advisor to my point of view. How did I do this, you might ask yourself, though be careful to do so out of earshot of others, who might think you're talking to yourself as a sign of an incipient mental disorder? Let me tell you, my inanely educated friend with an easily-made-up mind: his final comment in our meeting, after hours of bitter wrangling without a single cow roped, was "Vhat ist dat you zink you are doingk midde das funds undt schtuff? Dis ist goingk too far!"

I told him I was glad he agreed with me. I think he's still hitting his head on his desk, but it's a hard desk, so I'm not worried about damage to it.

So, my surprise and of dubious antecedence new friend, I shall await your elucidation whereupon, therewithin, heretofore (or earlier if need be), and/or howby, we shall proceed with your pithy efforts to give me this voodoo that you do so wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. You may reach me hyar, just as you originally done. I will be happy to provide you with precise directions on where you can go with this, and what manure you may place it upon arrival there. I'll even be happy to provide you with more precise translations in simple syllables, if the aforementioned cruciverbalisms are beyond your comprehende englander.

Awpeterstain,

U. R. Phulovit, CEO

So far, Tofar has made no reply to me. Y'all don't think I went tofar with my reply, do ya?

*dodging throwd vegetables*