A Product Review, Eh?

I reckon that not everyone who reads this blog, bothers to comment. And that's fine. As my great grand-daddy might have never said, "if ya can't say somethin' nice, say it in Azerbaijani, so no one will unnerstand a word of it". Which may or may not prove germaine to what follows.

So...regular readers h'yar know that, up to now, the only product reviews/endorsements I have ever done, were my tongue-in-cheek endorsements of the truly 'unique' products by Bonco, UnInc, like the Bug-a-BOOM and PHFFT! Asure. But reading them, you simply had to know that I was yanking your chain, right?

Well...perhaps one of my lurkers out there didn't do a whole lot of 'targeted research' of this blog, before sending me what they dun sent me...'cuz I got me an out-of-nowhere request to do a product endorsement, and for something I reckon most of you will view as I did.

But first, I'll let you read it h'yar yourself:

Dear Skunkfeathers,

May I ask you to write a review for Jet Email Extractor 6.5.216294 tool on your blog? I will give you a registration code in exchange. Here is the link: (which, if any of y'all want it, feel free to ask)

You may place this link alone without description or on existing post or create new post with a short description (language and text is up to you).

*TOING*...she don' know me vewy well, do she? And she/he/bot goes on:

Here is brief information about our Product:

(company name changed for heck of it) Dagnabbit Jet Email Extractor is a good helper in conducting email marketing campaigns (aka, sending out a sh**load of spam). Every email campaign requires large lists of email addresses. It was designed to collect targeted email addresses of potential customers to boost your sales and revenue (and to send out a sh**load of spam). Dagnabbit Jet Email Extractor will build huge targeted mailing lists. It connects to lots of news servers and retrieves email addresses from the headers of each and every article in chosen target-related newsgroups.

Benefits

- captures email addresses at very high speed. Multithreaded. Average speed is 100,000 emails per hour (and that makes for a sh**load of spam).

- extracts not only user's email but also name. Your direct marketing will be personalized ("Hi, (your name), you have been personally SPAMMED!"). Adding personalized content to email marketing messages is a great benefit (to my SPAM folder)

- automatically removes duplicate and incorrect email addresses (but doesn't, I note, remove itself from pestering MY email)

- extraction is strongly targeted to specific audience (rather like an enema)

- exports the results into text file (mailing list)

For more information please visit (the link)

Sincerely,

Herzits Stubramowitz (name changed to protect endangered sea-going email spam during spawning season)

Tech Writer

Dagnabbit, Inc (not their real name, but eh...)

So, she wants me to review and endorse a product that promotes email spam. Ain't that quaint?

Of course, I'm a bit of a stick in the mud on stuff like this; I don't arbitrarily click on suggested links from unsolicited emails. BUT, I do frequently pull my stick from the mud and poke it in the ear of the sender, to see what kind of response I might get. Thus, I did respond to this one:

Dear Extractor's Digest Ma'am,

After reading your offer, I can't hep but wonder: have you ever read my blog? Just wonder' h'yar.

While I awaited an answer to that simple question (which I never got), I decided to provide more than the emailer counted on, and approach this in a manure that readers here will recognize from the Bonco product line:

Introducing, by DAGNABBIT Inc. Thingamabobs, The Pharting Jet Email Extractor & Enema Spammer!

Face it, folks: simply put, you simply do NOT GET ENOUGH EMAIL SPAM! You know you don't. And deep down, you know YOU WANT IT! Oh, go ahead...admit it. YOU..WANT..IT! Not only that, but you WANT TO MAKE MORE OF IT! You want to JOIN the EMAIL SPAM REVOLUTION!

Well, the folks at DAGNABBIT, Inc., -- in absolutely no cooperation with the mad scientists here from Bonco, UnInc, who think they molest woodpeckers -- have created a program that will allow you to TOTALLY INUNDATE your friends, family, extended friends, soon-to-be enemies....just friggin' EVERYONE...with SPAM!

And with their Email Marketing/Harassment CamPAIgNs tool, the Jet Email Extractor, you can collect thousands upon millions upon billions upon trillions of email addresses, personalize them, and then INUNDATE THE WHOLE FRIGGIN' LOT WITH PERSONALIZED SPAM!

Yes, you read that right: SPAM FOR EVERYONE! Let no emailer be LEFT BEHIND!

Not only will this program scan every last source for any and ALL email addresses, it will allow you to TERRORIZE THE EMAIL WORLD WITH A VERITABLE BARRAGE OF TARGETED, PERSONALIZED MARKETING EMAILS! Now you too, can behave like a Congress-like contemptuous mailbot, and send emails to known and unknown persons in all the far corners of the email Earth, at a rate of 100,000 emails per hour!

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!

With this handy-dandy program to overload servers and spam filters, the Jet Email Extractor makes sensational julienne fries, shakes, and other healthy snacks*!

AND THAT'S NOT ALL!

With the easily-deployed program to rape and pillage email addresses, the Jet Email Extractor gets rid of vericose veins, hangnails, the smell from flatulence, ear wax, post-rectal drip, and those annoying gnats that gather in clouds around you during the spring and summer months**!

AND EVEN THAT'S NOT ALL!

Once you have downloaded and installed the Jet Email Extractor, turning your computer into the SPAMMER even rabbits can't multiply like, you'll find you can repair any tear, clean any stain from any fabric, leap tall buildings in a single sentence, fix the economy, make the world love us, and invite any pesky asteroids to renovate Newark, NJ or Jackson, MS***!

Simply put, WTF are you waiting for??? GET THE JET EMAIL EXTRACTOR BY DAGNABBIT, INC. TODAY, AND DISPATCH YOUR OWN BARBARIAN HORDES OF EMAILS, DESCENDING LIKE THE BLACK DEATH ON THE CYBERWORLD****!

* Claim not necessarily made by the real company nor evaluated by the FSA (Federal Spamming Agency, an offshoot of the AlGore Internet & Global Climate Scam Initiative)

** Claim not necessarily made by the real company nor evaluated by the FDA, AMA, Red Cross, Unicef, ASPCA, AARP, GreenPeace, or any other non-sequitur organizations with acronyms

*** Claim not necessarily made by the real company nor evaluated by FEMA, though a local Jackson area, badly-written newspaper -- knowd here for it's sandpounding stupidity, as the Cladipus Licker -- is highly suggestive of the desirability of an asteroid strike thereat, so the place can be fixed from what they've screwed up from the basement on up, so's they can start over and try to get it right next time around...

**** DISCLAIMER: the company that made the request of this blogger to perform this h'yar product review and endorsement, will probably not make that mistake again. All claims herein regarding the product being reviewed and endorsed, were written at 2:30am in the morning, prior to the ingestion of caffeine, and are probably not supposed to be taken seriously as part of a daily regimen of diet, exercise and bowel movements. Email spam blows goats -- again, not evaluated by the Agriculture Department, FCC or Goat Herders of America. The company promoting this email abomination, Blogger.com, Matthew Lesko or the estate of Billy Mays, are not likely to endorse some/any/all that was written herein, since the latter two would have made a far different presentation in style and format, one of which while wearing the most ridiculous of attire. Bonco, UnInc, attempted to talk this blogger out of doing this product review and endorsement, citing their "exclusivity clause contract" for me to review and endorse strictly Bonco, UnInc. products. I told them to get blood out of a pet rock and sue Seymour, who's not currently available, and could care less about litigation. Results may vary. This offer void where someone can actually understand Azerbaijani. Skunkfeathers and Bonco, UnInc., are indemnified and held harmless, which at my age, is becoming moreso by the year on the latter part, to the female of the species, but I digress at every opportunity.

Yawp...I don' 'spect to have companies flocking to my blog for product reviews and endorsements anytime soon. I reckon I could guaran-dang-tee that, too, if I required them to write their proposals in Azerbaijani.

Which I can't read, either.