Saturday, June 20, 2009

Yahoo Gawlf Chat

*I dig up a divot from the '06 archives, with one of my rather silly ventures into a chat room that went typically for me in a chat room*

To myself.

That's not how it was supposed to work, I thought...

During a spate of domesticity (aka, laundry), I was doing what I rarely do these or most days' past: meandering through the Yahoo chat rooms, seeing what was up.

It was exactly as I remembered it to be from a couple-three years ago: nuthin'. I visited several different categoried sites (Over 50 Romance -- quit smirkin' -- health topics, politics, recreation and sports), and in each case, save for one, it was the same: nothing but 20-somethings with webcams and smut sites, or bots (promoting more smut sites). Nearly every female in one 'over 50' room was in her early 20s, from Las Vegas, was listed as a "student", and had as her first hobby, "sex".

I can just imagine the tests in those classes, but I digress.

I've heard of seminar "callers" to talk radio, but seminar "cybersluts"? I was about to ponder how Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks ever found each other online in a chat room, 'til I remembered it was just a fictional chick flick. The only 'anything' that was going to find a soulmate in most of the rooms I visited was Rosie, the Jetson's maidbot. And she wouldn't be worth much for cleaning after one of 'those' encounters.

Then finally -- in the 'Sports and Recreation' portion of the Yahoo Chat community -- I found a room bereft of 20-somethings with webcams or bots: Golf Talk.

It was quiet. Serene. On accounta 'cuz it was empty. 'Cept for me.

Knowing I wasn't a bot, and didn't have a webcam (or an urge to show off my sagging backside or which part of my body I ain't gonna pierce next, on a cam if I had one), I sat there for a moment, almost luxuriating in the serenity of a bot-and-hormonal-free room. Besides, the subject of the room -- golf -- was one on which I could converse fluently and freely on, if not demonstrate on the course.

If there was anyone therein to converse with.

After a couple minutes of serenity, I began to see that there's a degree to which serenity is self-defeating in a chat room, when what should be goin' on here, was conspicuously absent: chat.

So I started some. To myself. About golf.

Here is a recap of the chat I had with myself in Golf Talk on Yahoo Chat (paraphrased as I remember it):

Welcome to Golf Talk. Barring an expert or moderator interceding, I'll be your host, Moosfeathers (my Yahoo chat ID). Let's talk about golf. My golf. It sucks. Yes, it does. Remember that "giant sucking sound" the little flying-nun-earred Perot babbled about? It wasn't free trade; it was my game. That sucking sound was IT. I haven't picked up a club in two years, save for once, and that was to kill a spider widdit it. Don't worry, the hole in the wall patched over just fine.

Yes, my game was bad. I never got a hole in one. I never got an eagle. I had few birdies. I never shot a par round. I never broke 40 on 9 holes, nor 90 on 18.

On the other hand, I never hit another golfer in all my escapades. Except for myself. Three times with my own drives. I was gifted. Such gifts can't be sold at gar(b)age sales or regifted at Christmas.

But I was also necessary in golf. Yes, necessary ( at this point, someone with the improbable name of LoveThumper2003 came into the room). Ah, we have our first golf chatterbox. LoveThumper 2003, step up to the tee, you're on Golf Talk with Moosfeathers (he/she/it bailed out faster than a balloon at a porcupine convention).

Oh too bad, our caller lost his/her chatcell. At any rate, I am a necessary evil to the golfing industry. I keep golf ball companies in business with my 4-10 per round lost golf ball ratio; I am the friend to lost golfball concessionaires, who find and resell what I spray hither and yon; I am a godsend to tee and ball mark manufacturers, breaking and losing both at a rate that is embarrassing, though it doesn't endear me to the Sierra Club or ELF, though I think they've arrested most of ELF, so who cares about those schmucks? I am a supporter of the golf cover-making folks, losing one about every other round; and where would the golf club industry be, without my needing a replacement for the club I bend around a tree or throw in the lake about every third round? Not to mention, the sod folks who have to patch work a fairway I leave looking like a mortar barrage just hit it, when I'm not exploring the more 'natural' terrain, also known as the rough, the trees, the lakes or the bunkers. Which is way more often than I see a fairway.

And let's not forget those hard-working, skimpily-clad beer babes in their "libations from Heaven" carts; I could damned near have retired on what I tipped them over the years.

We're ready to take another chatter...*insert sound of chirping cricket hyar* takers? Well that's okay, 'cuz we're out of time for this edition of Golf Talk. This is your host, Moosfeathers, saying "FORE!". Just wanted to see if you'd duck.

*More chirping cricket sound*.

I suppose that I could have applied some of my golf terminology in the "Over 50s Romance" rooms: throwing out terms like "ball", "stroke" and "firm grip on the shaft" would have set the bot-sluts all atwitter (2009 note: we've already established that I don't twitter).

But I don't want to be accused of shorting out the Jetson's Rosie-bot ;-)


Blogger Herb said...

Well, I wonder what the demgraphic for most golfers is and if it matches up to chatroom stats. The only association with golf I have is an old boss I'd rather forget, sorry.

03 June, 2006 06:06  
Blogger Monica said...


No comment.


03 June, 2006 12:27  
Blogger Andrew said...

It's a looooooooong time since I last wandered in to a chat room. There were 6 people in there, nobody had said anything for 15 minutes. So, ever the icebreaker I said "Hi guys, how're you all doing tonight". Immediately, I received the response "F*** you! This is our room!" Uhm, okeleydokely then.

03 June, 2006 18:55  
Blogger poopie said...

*sigh* I gave up on the romance chat rooms for the exact same reasons..bots and idiots.

04 June, 2006 12:27  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

I've never been to a chat room. I almos got interested when you said something about romance over 40, but you burst my bubble on the idea. I once did a
post on golf that gave a list of golf terms that sound dirty.

04 June, 2006 21:55  
Blogger Ms. Vickie said...

Romance, golf, chat rooms there is something so not right with that picture.

I'll just second that no comment


04 June, 2006 22:23  
Blogger Cow Lady said...

Moosfeathers? Is that moos and feathers? I like it. Let's chat!

12 June, 2006 05:33  
Blogger deni said...

I hate chat rooms, how anyone can keep up with all that chatter is beyond me. And there are always a**holes.

I am impressed tho by the things you come up with when your bored. LOL

20 June, 2009 05:46  
Blogger A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Say, Skunk, is that Ted Knight from the Mary Tyler Moore show taking a swing?

20 June, 2009 17:56  
Blogger Millennium Housewife said...

You may need to get out more...
LoveThumper? So many jokes....back creaking from weight...mustn't use smut on comment, no smut I tell you..ah what the...

21 June, 2009 02:53  
Blogger Debbie said...

I hate chat rooms too, I don't have time to sit around waiting for someone else to.

Sex, golf, chat rooms, I too think there is something about these things that do not go together.

Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth

21 June, 2009 13:24  
Blogger Cheffie-Mom said...

Putt Putt anyone?

22 June, 2009 14:52  
Blogger Serena said...

I suppose that I could have applied some of my golf terminology in the "Over 50s Romance" rooms: throwing out terms like "ball", "stroke" and "firm grip on the shaft" would have set the bot-sluts all atwitter (2009 note: we've already established that I don't twitter).

LOL! I haven't been in a chat room in ages. As I recall, the ones that weren't overwhelmed with cybersluts and enhancement aid ads were full of sniping and cat fights. Who needs it.

22 June, 2009 19:56  

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