Sunday, July 16, 2006

Chicken Wine

In view of the overwhelming demand that I explain the referenced "rubber chicken" in the previous post (from all four of you), I will, with pseudo reluctance, accede to your demands.

I don't generally blog about my workplace, but meeting this demand makes it necessary this once*.

The manager of the Security/Surveillance Department at work is retiring after 28 years; his wife, also a manager of another department there, is likewise retiring. Leaving the big city, they have a small acreage spread in SW Colorado, near a place called Mancos. Thereon their little spread, they plan to pursue activities of some leisure. Including fostering domestic animals, to include raising chickens. For eggs.

Something my manager's wife has expressed some trepidation over, never having done so before. *TOING*

Not mention, according to colleagues who've known my manager longer than I, he -- in his friskier days -- oft-times referred to making a resisting suspect of dubious antecedence and worse judgement "do the chicken". *TOING*

As their official retirement announcements made the rounds at work, his #2 and I discussed ideas for retirement party gifts. It was obvious his #2 -- a friend and colleague of his for over 20 years -- had some good notions about what would be well-appreciated by "the boss": fine wine and liquor. Apparently, the boss is a real wine connosouir ... connisour ... coneswe..ah, screw it: he knows quality wine.

So with that taken care of, #2 asked me if I could come up with any novelty "gag" gift ideas.

*TOING*: be careful what you wish for, #2.

The easy angle was, in fact, the rubber chicken: both as a reminder of our manager's "wilder" days, and as a "how NOT to raise the fowl" guide for his omelet-minded spouse (under the guise of "If your chicken winds up like THIS, go back to the hatching board..").

But that was too easy. Too predictable. So leave it to moi to go after something else: our manager's love of fine adult beverages. Namely, fine wine.

I went and picked up four of the cheapest bottles of wine I could find (two of them the $1.99 'Ripple' variety, vintage being that the screw-on caps were being secured as I walked in the door). Then I began "remaking" the wines into something more unique.

Well, at least their labels; there was no saving the contents.

For example, A bottle of $1.99 Zugspitz (And Often) became Mogun Billy Bob Buford Premium cheap Wine (Samonella Wineries, Molesto, CA). Another bottle of Ripple was born anew as His 'n Hers Premium Violations Of Nature Twice-Stomped Wine, with the following inscription: guaranteed to make this (photos of a male/female couple of dubious physical appearance) look like this* (photos of Johnny Depp and Paris Hilton) with the * saying if not completely satisfied, keep'll happen eventually. And there was bottle #3, converted from Generic House Wine (or some such) to Horse Piss Wine (using part of the label from a Kentucky-brewed beer of the same name), Produced Somewhere Covert in 2004; Whatever Else It Isn't, It Cost More Than The Other Two Bottles.

Finally, the pastry resistance as they say in France, the boss was talking the other day about his fine wine collection, and about a particular wine called Opus which goes for more than $160/bottle. *TOING* That resulted in the label (pictured top right) that now adorns the fourth and final bottle.

And that's the story. It's one I didn't have time to tell to the shoe gals. It's the same one I'll probably be telling in the unemployment line after next weekend...

* the names & places have been omitted; the names of the real wines used have been omitted; my complete lack of wine knowledge, while not openly stated, was strongly hinted at; anything else requiring a disclaimer is disclaimed. The author accepts no responsibility for anything said, suggested, inferred, opined, belched or farted. In the case of the last, the author trusts you won't know, either way. If you did it.


Blogger poopie said...

Gotta love it...a great mind at work.

16 July, 2006 16:06  
Blogger Karen said...

Perfect gag gift, "do the chicken"? How ironic is that?!

I'm glad you attended the blogger meet last night, I had a lot of fun and it was great meeting you :-)

16 July, 2006 20:09  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

Clever. If you don't know good wine, you can show off how you know bad wine! You did have to overboard with the lables, since the real ting can be so funny anyway, like the horse piss beer, and (my friend's favorite) Fat Bastard wine.

16 July, 2006 20:26  
Blogger Raggedy said...

That was great! It sounds like you had a lotta fun with that. I loved the labels...ha-ha
Did anyone do the chicken dance?
Have a wonderful day!
(=':'=) meow hugs
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one

17 July, 2006 07:30  
Blogger jules said...

Gotta love a man with a good imagination....even if he is unemployed.

17 July, 2006 08:19  
Anonymous Cyndy said...

Unemployment ain't so bad, lots of time for housework, yardwork, blogging....course no income to pay the net fees monthly.
Two Buck Chuck --- I hear that's a good cheap wine...

17 July, 2006 09:05  
Blogger Andrew said...

Two Buck Chuck is indeed good cheap wine. It makes you fall over fairly quickly too, which let's face it, is the only reason to drink the stuff.

18 July, 2006 21:18  
Blogger Herb said...

DO da funky chicken now!

19 July, 2006 15:18  

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