Thursday, June 23, 2005

If You Really Must Remake...

What in the skunkfeathers is it nowadays, with Hollywood remaking classics from the 60s, and trying to 'modernize' them?


Two in particular that get my skunk up are remakes of The Dukes of Hazzard and Gilligan's Island.

Dear Hollywooders: unless you can take the years off of Catherine Bach and Dawn Wells, you cannot bring back the originals, and you certainly can't do justice for those of us who were in youthful lust with the originals.

Why do they keep disingenuously calling themselves "progressives", when all they want to do is go backward? But I digress...

There is, perhaps, one angle on this remake nonsense that could work: use Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton, as the 'new' Mary Ann, would make Ginger look like a rocket scientist. She and Gilligan would then be made for each other. Intellectually, out of dumb-as-tree-stump spare parts, to be sure.

As for the Dukes of Hazzard, let us not besmirch Daisy Duke by demeaning Catherine Bach in such a way; let's instead make Paris the intellectually-stunted, vengeance-minded daughter of the former sheriff, Roscoe P. Coaltrane; 2o some odd years later, 'Sheriff' Rockette P. Coaltrane seeks to exact revenge on the Dukes for their forever besting her 'daddy' (who may or may not have bested her, which would explain her presence, but we digress from the story line).

On one hand, the plot doesn't play: without the Clark-Trent musically backdropped banjoed car chases, half the draw of The Dukes of Hazzard is lost (the other half being Daisy, wearing barely enough mind).

On the other hand, with the Dukes suddenly all too willing to go to jail -- I'm sure the scenes there, with Paris in leather, would most likely resemble her Carl's Jr. commercial -- there might be a whole new industry, just waiting to explode from Hazzard County.

So that's it: either use hot-as-it-gets, dumb-as-a-post Paris Hilton, as outlined, or leave my Daisy and Mary Ann fantasies alone, you heathen schmucks.


Blogger Monica said...

Very well said...and I have a pet peeve remake of my own. The Brady Bunch movies. I could NOT believe they desecrated one of my favorite sitcoms with undertones of lesbianism. Just my opinion.

29 June, 2005 13:15  

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